


One Wayward, One With Wings

by wannaliveindeansdimples



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Canon, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Destiel - Freeform, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, Frottage, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Sex in the Impala
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-17
Updated: 2013-11-07
Packaged: 2017-12-29 16:11:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 56,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1007420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wannaliveindeansdimples/pseuds/wannaliveindeansdimples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean starts to realize that his best friend might be more than just that, but when old faces start to return and a loved one disappears, he remembers that nothing in his life is ever easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The story is set some fuzzy time after late Season 5 and before Season 7, holding mostly to canon up to the beginning of the story, except that much of the larger mythology has been ignored. 
> 
> If the beginning seems to progress more quickly than you expect, I assure you there is a reason. 
> 
> Special thanks to mahbbys.tumblr.com for being my cheerleading beta during this process.

**Dean Tries to Come to Terms**

Dean didn't understand it. He was straight. He had always been straight. He had enough to deal with as it was. And now this. What the hell?

He sat impatiently at the stop light, banging his thumbs on the steering wheel, waiting for it to change and the pedestrians to meander across. When the light turned green, there were still a few stragglers. In his current mood, he debated running them over, but they'd just get blood on his baby. Then he noticed an old lady in a walker was struggling to get across and he relaxed a bit. He made eye contact and gave her a genuine smile. She smiled back and his mood lifted slightly, but by the time she got across, the light was red again.

He tucked his lips and blew out a frustrated breath, resigning himself to more waiting, when all he wanted to do was crank the tunes and drive. Mainly he hated sitting because it meant his mind was too still, too unoccupied. And that was the trouble lately. Anytime his mind was unoccupied, it...wandered. He tried to keep it from wandering now. He was grateful to see the light change green. As he started to roll forward he glanced into a shop window and saw a trench coat.

“Son of a bitch!” he yelled out loud. His window was down, so several people on the street glanced in his direction. He gave them an embarrassed half smile and a wave as he drove off. In another minute he was finally out of the town and out on the highway where he could go faster.

None of this would be happening if he was on a hunt. But Sammy had to go to some damn wedding. Dean didn't realize Sam had been keeping in touch with his college friends, but they sent him an email invite and he decided he wanted to go, leaving Dean alone and undefended with his new problem.

Unbidden, an image of the source of his anxiety rose in his mind. That face that was capable of so much fierce strength and yet could still show the wonder of a child. The face of a angel. Dean squirmed behind the wheel.

He knew he had feelings for the guy. Shit, Cas had dragged him out of hell, Dean would have to be a stone if he didn't feel something. But loving a friend like family and feeling...drawn to him...those were different things. Wanting to touch him whenever he was in the room? That was...unacceptable. It was alien, it was foreign, it was scary...and Dean spent his life killing the alien, foreign and scary. How could he deal with it in his own mind?

He supposed technically, his feelings did not mean he was not straight. Since Cas was actually genderless he supposed his mind could be confused. Maybe Cas had a feminine personality and that's what he was drawn to. Then again, there was the incident with Rhonda Hurley.

“You think perhaps I act too feminine, Dean?” Cas asked, appearing without warning in the passenger seat.

Dean jumped and his heart pounded for more than one reason. He jerked the wheel to get the car back into the right lane.

“The hell, Cas! You scared the shit out of me!”

“I am sorry, Dean.” He cocked his head. “But I believe you are mistaken.”

“About what?” Dean said, fearing further discussion about his thoughts.

“You do not appear to have soiled yourself.”

Despite himself, Dean belly laughed. “It's an expression, Cas. It just means you really scared me a lot,” he explained, chuckling.

“Oh. That's good.” The angel was silent for a moment. “So, do you think I am too feminine?”

“Cas, we talked about you reading my thoughts!” Dean said gruffly, terrified of what else the angel had overheard in his head.

“I apologize, Dean. Only, you were thinking my name, which was sort of like you calling me and I was caught off guard and heard the thoughts. You were thinking I was genderless...and feminine.”

“Yeah, well, I, uh,” he stammered, then cleared his throat roughly. “I just, was, uh...”

“If you think I should act more manly, I can try that. Would you like me to be more...butch, I believe is the term?”

“No! I mean, it doesn't matter. You're fine the way you are.”

“Dean, you seem to be sweating a lot. Your breathing is rapid and your heartbeat is elevated. I am very sorry I frightened you. Perhaps you should pull over and calm down.” He searched Dean's face, all big blue eyes and concern and Dean felt a tug in his belly.

“Cas...” he rasped, then cleared his throat again. “Cas, I'm fine. I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine. I can handle it.” And it isn't fear that's making me sweat, he thought. And that scared him so much more than an angel appearing out of thin air.

“Why does my lack of gender cause you such vexation?"

"Cas, I am not 'vexed' by your lack of-"

"And what do you mean when you say you are drawn to me?”

Dean's heart hammered triple time and the sweat poured even more freely. His breathing was no longer rapid, it had just stopped.

“Dean, are you alright?” Cas' face was too close now and Dean couldn't handle it. He jerked the car to the side of the road and threw it into park.

“Dammit, Cas, just go the hell away! I came out here to be alone and think and I don't need you asking me all these questions about my thoughts, which you aren't supposed to be-”

Cas' face registered deep hurt and then he disappeared without another word.

“Dammit, Dean, keep it together. He didn't do anything,” the hunter scolded himself aloud. “Cas? Look, man, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Please come back. You didn't do anything. Please?” He got no answer and the dark haired angel did not return.

Instead of improving his mood, the ride had only served to make him more wound up. Not only was he having to try to come to terms with whatever the hell he was feeling for his friend, but now he had guilt mixed in with all the other emotions swirling and churning inside him, emotions which he did not know how to deal with. He sat there in the car for a moment, head down, feeling like an asshole.

Very softly, he said again, "I'm sorry, Cas. I really am. If you don't want to come back, I get it, but please just...please don't be mad, alright?" He waited for any sign that the angel had heard, but he was met with silence and an empty passenger seat. He heaved a deep sigh as he put the car in gear and pulled a u-turn.

**Breakthrough**

When he woke up, the room was dark except for the parking lot lights streaming in through the cracks in the curtains. He was bathed in sweat and his heart was pounding. The sheets were a tangled mess and the comforter was nowhere to be seen. He was disoriented at first, but then the dream came back to him and he felt his face burn.

He'd been at a bar with Sam, like so many nights. Dean was finishing his beer, when Sam said, "Here comes your date, can we go now?"

And there was Cas, coming back from the bathroom. He wasn't wearing the trench coat. He just had on a black t-shirt and some worn jeans. Dean had smiled at him and reached out his hand for Cas to take, which the angel did. "You ready to go, baby?" Cas only smiled back in answer. Dean had tossed Sam the keys and told him to drive so Dean and Cas could make out in the back seat. After that Sam seemed to disappear the way people do in dreams.

As Dean sat on the bed and remembered the make out session that had followed and the inevitable conclusion in the back seat, he wanted to ignore his aching erection, but he couldn't. He didn't understand it, but the idea of making out and then making love to another man, which prior to meeting Cas was just not even in his realm of sexual possibilities, was turning him on and not just a little. Hell, he'd never even thought the phrase "making love" before in his life, much less ever felt like he had done it. But what had happened in the Impala in the dream...that wasn't just sex. It wasn't just fucking.

He still remembered the depth of emotion he had felt. He didn't even think he'd felt that with Cassie, even though he'd cared about her a lot. Thinking about his emotions made him think about how Cas had felt beneath him and he tried to push the thoughts away. But he couldn't. They were there. He still wanted to ignore his throbbing erection, but he had too many reasons not to. He was hard and he was alone and he had a ready-made fantasy just waiting.

He briefly considered trying to think about something else, but it was late. And he was just vulnerable enough to allow himself to give in to what he wanted. The dream had unsettled him, but thinking about those moments, how he'd felt when Cas looked at him, it felt safe. It felt right. Those moments in the dream he had felt truly adequate and worthy and special, maybe for the first time since his mother had died.

But those weren't the things fueling the fire in his belly, making him ache with need. No, what he relived in his mind as his hand went to work stroking was the passion in Cas eyes, his parted lips, the sweat beading down the side of his neck. He tried to focus only on that, to allow himself to pretend for a little while longer that Cas was genderless and it wasn't his actual body Dean was attracted to. But the fantasy spun out on its own, as Dean's stroking intensified. The feel of Cas' chest under his hands, how his cock had felt when it had touched Dean's own. The way the angel's stubble felt against his face as they kissed. It had been awhile since he'd been able to indulge in self love and he didn't last long. Or that was the excuse he gave himself. He came onto his own stomach, saying Cas' name in a gruff whisper as he did so.

The instant it happened, he went completely still, terrified that the angel had heard him call, would show up and find him...like this. For a paralyzing moment he swore he heard the flutter of wings, but no angel appeared, so he decided he must have imagined it. He relaxed, then rose to clean up. The adrenaline left him weak and tired as it drained from him and he was soon fast asleep once more.

**Oh, Brother**

The next time Dean woke up, the phone was ringing. He mumbled a greeting into it and Sam's voice was suddenly in his ear. It seemed Sam's friends were asking him to stay a few extra days.

"But I don't wanna leave you in the lurch, man. Is there anything we need to be hunting? If so, just say the word, I'll head straight back after the ceremony."

Dean could tell how much Sammy wanted to stay and honestly, though he'd initially been afraid to be alone with his thoughts, Dean thought now that he could use another couple of days to himself, to try and figure out just what was going on inside his head...not to mention his pants.

"Nah, you stay, little brother. Have a good time."

Since there was nothing else to do, Dean went to the diner for breakfast. He had a hard time enjoying his meal, even his pie, because he kept thinking about how he'd treated Cas the day before. _Not to mention the way you treated him in that dream of yours_ , he thought before he could stop himself. He needed to get him to come back, for Cas to let him apologize. He resolved to pray as soon as he got back to the motel.

He had barely closed the door before he tried to reach his friend. "Cas? Man, look, I just wanna talk to you. Please come back, alright? I really am sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I was being a huge dick and -"

"You were acting like an assbutt, yes. I was concerned and I was only trying to help you, Dean. Like always." Dean's heart hammered in his throat when Cas appeared. The angel's face was wary, but the abject misery was gone from it and Dean was glad. He wanted to laugh when Cas said "assbutt," but knew it was best to stay serious.

"I know, man. I do. I was just...look, I'm going through something right now, ok? Something I need to keep private." Dean hesitated, but he was rarely dishonest with Cas and it felt wrong to lie, even for a reason like this. He continued, his voice only shaking slightly. "So it freaks me out that you've been in my head and that's why I got spooked and ran you off."

Cas squinted and tilted his head, searching Dean's face, but he said nothing else before turning to look out the window. "Why aren't you hunting? Where is Sam?"

"He's gone to a wedding. So I'm kind of taking a break. I haven't seen any obvious omens or anything, anyway." _Not that I've really been looking_ , he thought to himself. A little too distracted by pretty little angel eyes. He cleared his throat a little too loudly.

"No, I am unaware of any significant happenings in the area, either." Dean was surprised that Castiel did not disappear then. Normally, he didn't stay long unless there was imminent danger, but he seemed in no hurry to leave for once.

Dean suddenly became aware of how close they were standing. He thought of reminding Cas about personal space, but as it occurred to him he realized did not want Cas to back away. He tried to ask Cas what was new, but found his voice wouldn't work. He cleared his throat again.

Cas eyes snapped to him. "Are you getting a cold, Dean?"

"What? No, I just...hey, you wanna watch some TV?" He flipped around, but the only thing he could find was an old rerun of _T_ _hree's Company_. He sat on the edge of the bed and tried not to think about it when Cas sat down so close their hips were touching.

Mr. Roper came onscreen and called Jack Tripper 'twinkle toes'. Cas wrinkled his forehead, obviously confused and he asked Dean what it meant.

"He's making fun of Jack because he thinks Jack is gay."

"Like Burt and Ernie. And gay just means homosexual?"

"Y-yeah, " another throat clear. "Yeah, you know, gay. As in, into other dudes, uh, sexually." He could feel the heat of a blush burn his whole face and neck.

"Why would he make fun of him for that? There is nothing inherently wrong with being homosexual. It keeps the population under control, for one thing. Besides, being 'into other dudes,'" Castiel said with an eye roll, "Doesn't necessarily make him gay." Jack began chasing Chrissy around the kitchen with his arms out, acting like a slobbering beast. "See? He is clearly wanting to have relations with that woman." Cas turned his piercing blue eyes on him. "Do you think it is wrong for a man to be interested in other men?"

Dean desperately wanted to let the conversation drop, uncomfortable with where it was taking them, but he knew Cas might leave if he didn't answer. He also knew Cas took a lot of cues from him about acceptable human behavior and he didn't want to lead him astray just because he was struggling with his own sexuality.

"No, Cas, of course not. People are who they are. Different people just like different things. Sometimes they-" Cas shifted and his face was suddenly much closer to Dean's, causing Dean to lose his train of thought for a moment. His eyes involuntarily flicked down to Cas full lips and he swallowed hard, past the large dry lump that seemed to have lodged in his throat. He forced his eyes to meet Castiel's again. "Uh, they...they find out they like things they never, uh, liked before."

Dean nearly jumped out of his skin when his phone rang. As it was he fell off the end of the bed and quickly jumped back to his feet, turning away to hide the blush. He snapped open his phone and barked gruffly into it.

"Dean? You ok, man?"

"Yeah, Sam, what's up?"

"Nothin'. Just wanted to make sure everything was all right there, still no problems?"

"Nah, me and Cas are just watching some old _Three's Company_ reruns."

"Castiel's there? Did something happen?"

"No, uh, he just dropped by to, uh, check in." Sam said nothing and Dean willed him silently to let it go. He was relieved when his brother spoke again. And then he wasn't.

"Ok, cool. Enjoy the show. Bet it's fun watching a show about someone hiding their sexuality with Cas sitting right next to you, huh?"

"What?" Dean asked a little too sharply. Sam chuckled and Dean's face went up in flames.

"Nothing, big brother. You two have a good time." He was still laughing as he hung up.

**The Awkward Silence**

The next hour or so passed quietly if not comfortably. Dean was relieved when _Three's Company_ gave way to _Gunsmoke_ and he felt himself relax for the first time. It was one of his favorite episodes and soon he was turning to Castiel to tell him about a great moment that was coming up.

He had grown barely aware of their proximity, but now it came into sharp focus once more, when green eyes locked with blue again. At the same moment he felt the punch of that stare, he realized that they both had their hands on their thighs and Cas' left pinky was touching his own right one. His words died on his tongue as he realized he had no idea how long they had been that way.

Cas had a funny look on his face, but said nothing. He waited for Dean to finish speaking, but Dean couldn't for the life of him remember what he had been saying. His mind was completely filled up with the contact points between them: thighs, hips, fingers, eyes. Their locked stare was like a physical touch in itself.

Cas' tongue darted out to wet his lips and Dean's dream returned to him in full technicolor with surround sound. Thinking he might lose his mind, he jumped up and said he was ready for some lunch.

The rest of the day was just about as awkward. He thought Cas might leave again, but he went wherever Dean went. He went to lunch with him. He rode shotgun in the Impala when Dean needed to drive. He went with Dean to the bar, where they drank beer and played darts and he even asked Dean to teach him the finer points of pool, which the angel was surprisingly good at. It was only after his third beer that Dean started to relax and really let himself enjoy his friend's company. When it was time to leave the bar, Cas still did not leave, but his beer buzz meant Dean really didn't mind so much. However, he was not quite ready to be alone with Cas in a room with a bed again, either. So he bought a six pack at the corner store and suggested they kill it at the park behind the motel.

He had tunes in the car, so he just parked his baby in front of a scenic spot with the windows down and popped open a brew for each of them. He'd forgotten to eat any dinner, so his sixth beer kinda of snuck up on him. He was telling Cas some stories from his childhood and the angel listened, but his face was sad.

**Yours**

Through the haze of alcohol, Dean realized he hated seeing Cas look unhappy. He wanted to see that half smile Cas sometimes got. Even tipsy, he was frightened by how much he wanted to see it. He wanted to say something, anything, to either earn the smile or stop thinking about it, but before he could even open his mouth, the angel put his hand on Dean's shoulder and _gave him the smile_. His chest clinched and he felt the breath leave him. Cas was his friend, why did his smile make Dean feel this way? He had never felt this way about another man and he was scared to death of it. He would've been scared enough feeling this way about a woman, but a _man_?

“ _Cas_...” he whispered it like a plea, but he didn't know what he was begging for. For the feelings to disappear? Or for Cas to come closer so he could breathe him in.

“Dean?”

Something occurred to him then. 

“Wait, Cas, why did you smile at me like that just now?”

“Because you wanted me to.”

“Simple as that, huh?”

“Yes. I will do whatever you want, if you need it or it makes you happy.”

Dean wanted to laugh. He wanted to cry. He wanted to give in to the urges that were rising inside him, even though they terrified him. _They scare the shit out of me_ , he thought and chuckled. Then he realized something else.

“You were reading my thoughts again, Cas.”

The angel had the sense to look chagrined. He looked out the windshield, his face a mask, hiding whatever he was thinking. He was silent for so long, Dean thought he would say nothing. When Cas turned back, however, his face looked determined.

“Dean, the truth is, I have been peering into your thoughts for some time." He let that hang in the air for a moment, allowing Dean to absorb the full weight of the meaning behind his words. "Because of this, I am aware that you have feelings for me which you find...inappropriate...and hard to accept. I have seen some of your...fantasies. Last night when you thought you heard me...I was there.”

The hunter could not speak. His face was a crimson fire, burning with shame and something else he couldn't identify. What could he say to his friend? Cas knew and there was nothing Dean could do about it. He'd probably disappear now and stop coming when Dean called. He was a fucking angel, for crying out loud. Dean was just a pervert who couldn't have a good friend without screwing it up somehow. He waited for Cas to tell him he was disgusting, that the angel was leaving and never coming back, but he didn't. Cas stared out the window again for a long moment and when he spoke again, he did not look at Dean, which scared the hunter to his core.

“The truth is, Dean, your feelings are not...” Dean died inside waiting to hear what terrible words would follow, taking the angel out of his life forever. The possibility of losing him became concrete in Dean's throat and a tiny half sob, quiet but undeniable, came out of Dean's mouth before he could hold it back.

Cas looked at him then, his eyes full of emotion. He tilted his head and squinted his eyes sadly before saying, “Dean, your feelings are not unwelcome to _me_ , even if they are to you.” Cas gave him the half smile again, though this time his blue eyes were impossibly sad.

His relief was so great that Dean acted on instinct, without allowing himself to think. He was across the car with his hands in Cas hair before he knew what was happening. Before he had time to think about what he was doing, he was leaning in close enough to feel the heat of Cas lips on his own. And then they were kissing, and Dean could not believe the sweetness of the angel's soft, hot lips. He parted his own and gently deepened the kiss, sliding his tongue expertly between those full lips and into Cas' waiting mouth. The scratch of the angel's stubble against his face was jarring, but the pause in the kiss was no more than a fraction of a second.

He knew Cas to be mostly inexperienced in acts of physical pleasure, but it did not show in his kiss. His tongue expertly warred with Dean's, stroking, darting and exploring the hunter's willing mouth. What had been a tender kiss was quickly heating up into something much more thanks to Cas' eager response. Dean could feel his erection press painfully against his jeans. He reached blindly for one of Cas' hands as the kiss continued and pressed the palm against his crotch.

“Feel what you do to me,” he said in a husky whisper against Cas' lips. The angel only grabbed Dean's hand and place it over his own erection as he dove back into the kiss. Again Dean paused, thrown by the shock of the new experience. Then Cas fingered flexed against his crotch and he was sucked back into the moment. From there began a fevered exploration of each other's bodies. Hands slid beneath shirts, and shirts were pushed up. Skin pressed against hot skin. They couldn't get close enough to each other. In their heat they were almost fused and still it wasn't close enough.

He barely registered a difference when his hand slid across the chest of his – friend? lover? he didn't know. Cas pecks were such that it was like holding a particularly firm breast, with very sensitive nipples. Dean was totally lost in the moment now, at least until he tried to remove his shirt completely. At that point, he banged his elbow and realized this was not the place for what was probably about to happen between them. As much as he loved the Impala, as much as she was his home, this was not the place for his first time with the angel he also loved. The angel's first time, ever. He needed a bed and... _Wait._ _Love? Do I love him?_ He thought with only slightly less fear than wonder.

“Dean...” Cas breathed, with longing. His arousal-heavy eyes were confused.

“We, uh, we need a bed, Cas. I want to take you back to the motel, so we can do this right.” He stared at the disheveled angel a moment, taking in his tousled hair and red swollen lips, and thinking he was just as sexy as any woman Dean had ever been with. He let this sink in a moment before grabbing Cas and kissing him again.

The short ride back was spent in silence. Dean did not allow himself to think about more than his goal of returning to the motel as quickly as possible. It was several minutes, but Cas watched him the whole way.

However, once they were inside the room, the heat of the moment had passed. There was an awkwardness now that had not existed inside the car. Neither wanted to make the first move. Neither knew what to do. They would look around the room and then glance at each other only to look hurriedly away once more. Finally, Dean broke the impasse by sitting on the bed.

He took a deep breath and tried to be brave. “Here, come sit next to me.” It came out hoarse and he cleared his throat. Cas remained where he was, not looking at him.

“Unless you're regretting what happened?”

“No, Dean. I was afraid you might be. Like I said, I've seen your thoughts. I know how you've struggled with these...feelings.” He met Dean's eyes only briefly before staring toward the wall.

Dean didn't know what to say. He couldn't deny what Cas said. He had struggled with it. Hell, he was _still_ struggling with it. Cas was an angel, sure, but he looked like a _man_. Hadn't John Winchester drilled into Dean what it was to be manly? And it certainly didn't include lusting after people with the same equipment. On the other hand, Dean acknowledged his father was wrong about a helluva lot of things.

He didn't know what to do. His erection was shrinking, but it was by no means gone. This was so much to take in. Not just an angel, but a male one and his only real friend. He had decided to try to let his arousal die down and forget the whole thing when Cas licked his lips and ran a hand back through his hair. Dean's hard-on roared back to life and he was once more paralyzed by indecision and self-doubt.

He stopped trying to avoid the angel and looked at him a long time, searching for answers in the sharp angles of his undeniably beautiful face. It was a full minute before Cas met his eyes. He looked lost and confused and Dean's heart ached, wanting to sooth him.

“Dean, I-” He broke eye contact again. “Are you ashamed of what happened? Of what you feel for me? Because I really want to continue, but I will do whatever makes you happy.”

Dean's face broke into a slow smile at Cas' words. His bravery returned. “Come here, Cas. I'll show you how I feel about what happened.”

And just like that, the angel was in the hunter's arms again. Instinctively, Dean began treating Cas not as a strange entity but like he would any other person he'd ever wanted to sleep with. As they kissed, Dean pulled Cas backwards until they were lying on the bed. He rolled Cas beneath him and pushed Cas' legs apart. He pressed his erection against Cas' own as he kissed him with mounting passion.

After a few minutes, he broke the kiss and moved his mouth across the angel's face, over to his ear, down his neck. All the while, he gently rocked his hips to give them both pleasure. His mouth continued its journey downward, stopping next at the angel's hardened left nipple. He gently nipped it with his teeth and suckled it while grazing the right one with the palm of his hand in slow circles.

He thought Cas might have chest hair, but he found he didn't and Dean was a little relieved. The skin on his chest was soft and comforting against Dean's skin. As he kissed ever downward, he looked at Cas' face and saw raw emotion there, joy and wonder and...love? He didn't know, couldn't stop to wonder. Downward...

When he reached the edge of Cas' pants, he stood up, mostly to steel himself for the new experience of seeing and touching another man's penis.

“Dean?” Cas asked with concern, but Dean said nothing, merely started pulling off the rest of his clothes. Cas pulled off his own shoes, but when he would have removed his pants, Dean stopped him.

“No, let me. Please.” He was scared still, more than a little, so he needed to be in control of the moment more than ever.

Dean stood there fully naked, trying to ready himself. Cas' eyes drank in the sight with such obvious pleasure that it swept everything but lust from Dean's mind. He wanted and he _was_ wanted - and for the moment, that trumped everything else. He pressed Cas back so that he was lying down again. His mouth returned to Cas stomach and then he undid the button of the angel's pants and kissed there. He kissed his way down the zipper, finding out as he did so that Cas had foregone underwear. Springy hair brushed his lips as he continued down. Then he felt something hot against his chin and he stopped for just a moment, trying to shut out any thoughts of strangeness, before pressing his lips to it. He was surprised to find it felt much like Cas' lips, that same feeling of heat and silk, but with steel underneath.

He stood up and drew Cas' pants the rest of the way down. His erection twitched when he saw Cas' cock lying there, fully hard for him. He had expected to feel...differently, but this time he did not pause to think about it. He climbed back on top of Cas and kissed him deeply, their bare dicks pressing together, each so hot the other felt burned by the contact.

Finally, Cas put his hand over the mark he'd left on Dean's shoulder. He whispered his name and his eyes pleaded with his new lover to end his pleasurable torture and give him release. For the first time, Dean truly hesitated for a reason other than the strangeness of the experience. He was just as in need of release as Cas, so 69 was certainly an option, but it didn't feel right for Cas' first time. Plus, he wanted them both to be able to concentrate. He kissed his way down Cas' stomach once more, this time quickly.

He took Cas' cock in his hand and stroked it, trying to think about what he liked himself, rather than thinking too much about what he was actually doing. He noticed a faint musky scent as he lowered his face and it aroused him still further. He pressed his lips to the bottom of Cas' head the way he liked to have done to him and the erection he held jumped in his hand. Tentatively he slid the tip of his tongue out and flicked it against the same spot his lips had touched. He continued stroking up and down as he did this a few times.

Becoming bolder, he swirled his tongue completely around the head of Cas' cock, wetting it for lubrication. He licked his lips and then slid the head into his mouth. His hand continued stroking while he sucked and licked the head. To his surprise, he found he was enjoying himself. He brushed the pad of his thumb against the tightly wrinkled skin of Cas' balls and from the sounds the angel made, Dean could tell he was close. He took the head out of his mouth and used his thumb against the underside of the head as he stroked. He used his other hand to massage Caastiel's tightening balls some more.

He knew from his writhing and moaning and the way his testicles were shrinking up that Cas was close to the brink. He had pulled his mouth away not out of fear of Cas ejaculating in his mouth, but so that he could watch his lover's face as Cas had his first orgasm. Within moments, Cas cried out and Dean was glad he was watching. Just before he came, Cas snapped his head up and looked Dean straight in the eye, his face a study in wonder and excruciating physical pleasure. Then his eyes rolled back and he groaned, hot white streams jetting out above Dean's hand onto Castiel's stomach.

As the last shot rolled over Dean's thumb, Cas opened his eyes and looked at Dean once more, gratitude and love on his face. Acting on instinct, Dean licked his thumb clean without breaking eye contact. Cas' declining erection twitched in response. Dean slid back up Cas' sweat-slicked body and kissed him again until his own cock returned to fully erect.

Cas reached down and took Dean's cock in his hand, while their eyes locked. Cas' strokes were awkward but effective. He was so amazed by Cas' desire to please him, as shown not only by his hand's movements, but by the look on his face. The angel was scared to disappoint him, as if that were even possible. He kissed his angel more deeply than ever, in a kiss that spoke more than he could himself.

Dean pulled out of Cas' grip and positioned himself in front of his lover's mouth. He could see that Cas was a little afraid, but whether of doing badly or of the act itself, he wasn't sure. The angel licked his lips then and Dean almost forgot to care.

“Cas, you don't have to do this...”

“No, Dean, I want to, but...” He looked down without finishing.

Dean pressed a finger under his chin and lifted his face until he was looking at him again. “What is it, Cas? What's wrong, baby?” He didn't even realize he had used the endearment, until he saw Cas' eyebrows furrow slightly in a brief look of surprise, but he didn't regret it.

“I don't know if I can live up to your fantasies of this. Or do as well as you did. I have no experience at this.”

Dean laughed. “Damn, Cas! You think I do? This is my first gay rodeo, buddy! Trust me, you'll do fine. And you don't have to take it all in your mouth if you don't want to. I didn't.”

“But I have no experience at any kind of...rodeo. Also,” the angel continued, looking away again, “Also, from watching your fantasies, I know there was something...else...you wanted to do with me. I thought perhaps you might prefer to try that instead.”

Dean felt that tug in his belly again, the one he had felt the day before, a feeling he thought was part arousal and part deep emotion. Whatever it was, this time it caused his erection to swell even more. Cas was offering him his virginity. He lay back down on the bed and took the angel into another, sweeter kiss, which ended in a tight embrace. He pulled his head back and clutched Cas' face in both his hands.

“Dean?” Cas asked, worried.

 _I love you, Castiel. I love you._ He thought but could not bring himself to say, instead hugging Cas tightly once more. When he pulled away again, he saw Cas had tears in his eyes.

“Oh, Dean...I have loved you since the first moment, since before I knew what emotions were.” It was Dean's turn to tear up, any fear he felt at having been overheard quickly being lost to joy. They kissed again. It was tender at first, but it quickly grew more heated. Dean wanted Cas so badly he was about to lose his mind.

“Cas, I don't care if it's your mouth or your hand or...the other...but I need you. Now. _Please_ ,” he practically breathed the last word.

“I'm yours, Dean. Just like I told you in the car, I'll do whatever you want.”

Dean growled and told the angel to roll over, so they were spooning. He kissed his shoulders and ran his hand over his hip. He massaged the muscles of his lover's firm round ass. He fumbled in the bedside drawer for the lubricant he kept there. He spent a few minutes preparing Cas with his fingers, just as he had the few girls with whom he had tried this particular act, at the same time kissing all over the angel's back and neck and whispering in his ear.

Finally, Dean rolled him onto his back. “Cas, are you ready, baby?” he asked as he positioned himself between Castiel's legs.

The angel's eyes softened this time at the name. “Yes, Dean. I'm all yours.”

He positioned himself and slid very slowly into Cas, enjoying the new sensations, but alert to any sign of pain from his lover. When he was just over halfway inside, Cas moaned and he froze.

“Oh, Dean...you feel so good inside me...”

Dean forgot about being careful. He plunged forward and took a moment to enjoy how great it felt to be inside Cas, to feel Cas' ass against his hips. Then he pulled halfway out and plunged in again. He found his rhythm and Cas moaned and rocked against him, matching his thrusts so that he drove in to the hilt each time. He was moving faster now, and the sound of his balls slapping Cas on the ass echoed in the small room. He reached down to stroke Cas' fully restored erection.

Even though he'd already come once, it took only moments for Cas to go over the edge again. “Dean, oh! Oh, Dean, Deeeaaaaan!!” Cas moaned as he had his second orgasm in Dean's hand. This was too much for the hunter and he gripped both his lover's hips now, pounding into him harder and faster.

Only moments after Cas had his orgasm, Dean growled, “Caaaaassss...Oh, shit, Cas! Ah, fuck, Cas, fuck!” and had his own thunderous orgasm inside his lover. He lay there, spent, legs shaking, breath ragged, clutching Cas for dear life. He did not pull out or pull away. As his breathing slowed, he gathered Cas to him even tighter and buried his face in his neck, breathing him in.

“I love you, Dean. I trust I pleased you?” Cas asked, worry tainting his gravelly voice.

“Oh, Cas, baby... _baby_! Of course you did!” Dean responded, laughing a little at the insanity of the question. “Are you crazy? You think it's ever been like that for me before? Look in my thoughts if you don't believe me. I give you permission, search all through there, see what you come up with. And I-” Here he faltered, but he was determined to say it out loud this time. His voice broke on it, but he said “I love you, Cas. And if you search hard enough, you'll find out I've only said that to three other people in my life...and not in a long damn time.”

The angel was quiet for a moment as he searched Dean's thoughts and memories. Then he tilted his head back to look Dean in the eyes, the biggest smile the hunter had ever seen him wear plastered on his face. Dean liked the way he crinkled his nose and showed all his teeth when he did it. Cas kissed Dean then, taking the lead for the first time. This time it was Cas who spoke with his kiss and told Dean almost everything he needed to know.

“I've never said it to anyone except my family before, either, Dean. I've never had occasion.” He rolled them onto their sides so that their bodies were facing and nestled Dean's head under his chin, protectively. “I will watch over you while you sleep, Dean.”

Dean smiled at that and his eyes filled with unshed tears. He ducked his head, hiding his face from Cas for a moment as he regained his compsure. It was all a bit too much, but it wasn't enough, either. Letting his gut guide him, he grabbed at the arm Cas had on top of him and slid it off until the angel's hand was between their bodies. He wrapped his arm around Cas' wrist and laced his fingers through the angel's and tucked their arms up toward their chins. He kissed the back of Cas hand, looking him in the eye again.

He knew he had been high on sex earlier and that he was still riding a post-coital endorphin high now. His fear was that in the morning, he might regret what he had done, every bit as much as he did not regret it right now. He needed to tell Cas this, but he wasn't sure how. Dean just knew he didn't want to hurt him if he could help it.

“Look, Cas, I need to warn you...I don't know how I'm going to feel about this tomorrow. Right now I feel great, hell, better than great, but I'm scared that when the sun comes up...when I'm sober and not feeling horny or sated anymore...” He trailed off, trying not to let himself try to kiss away the sadness he saw in the deep blue eyes staring across at him from only inches away. Before he could continue, the angel spoke.

“Dean, you know that I have the ability to wipe your memory.” He sighed deeply. “Do you want me to wipe this memory from you, either now or once you are asleep?” His eyes shone bright with tears and Dean could see that the angel was terrified of the answer he might receive.

Dean searched his heart and mind as he stared into Cas' sad face. Since he was distracted by his thoughts, when the urge to kiss Cas struck him this time, he did not hold himself back. The instant his lips found his lover's, the kiss felt so right that Dean knew what his answer had to be.

“No, Cas. No, I don't want that at all.” Forget kisses like that? Sex that amazing? Forget his first real love? No way.

Cas rewarded him with that grin again. This time it was even bigger - or it seemed to be in the few seconds Dean got to see it before Cas gathered him into an awkward horizontal bear hug. He confirmed it when Cas pulled back again, though.

“Oh, Dean, I am so happy! I can't believe it. This is the first time you've ever said no!” All at once the grin was gone as the angel realized what he had said. Dean went utterly still.

“What did you say?” Dean's voice was cold and hard now.

“Dean, I-” Cas' voice was higher than usual and breathless.

“No, Cas, what did you just say? Are you telling me that this...all this...has happened _before_?” He sat up quickly, nearly knocking the angel backward off the bed. His green eyes were steely as they bored into Cas' blue ones.

“No, Dean, it isn't like that!”

When the angel didn't continue, Dean spoke instead. “You tell me what it is like then, Cas, and you tell me right now!” His voice had grown in volume and was full of angry heat.

Cas sighed, his face crumpling. “Dean, you...you drink a lot,' he said, flinching as if he feared Dean might strike him. Even though he felt betrayed, that tiny movement broke his heart a little. He didn't want to think of Cas afraid of him. When he didn't respond, the angel continued. “Sometimes when you drink, you drink too much and you...you become a lot more honest about your feelings. Not just to me, but to Sam as well.”

Not wanting to think about his brother while he was sitting naked on a bed with another man, Dean gruffly said “What the hell's your point, Cas?”

Cas sat up and began getting dressed, as if sensing Dean's discomfort at their continued nakedness and proximity. Dean told himself he was not disappointed by Cas covering himself. “On two previous occasions, you expressed to me that you had feelings that were not necessarily...what you considered normal.” He had put on his pants and shirt, and now he bent down to retrieve his tie.

“One of those times, you asked me the next morning to erase your memory of the event as well as my own, but I cannot erase my own memories. The next time, your confession ended with you kissing me quite passionately. I didn't really know what to do and you had to teach me. You seemed to enjoy the experience as much as I did, but by the time we got back to the motel, you were in a bit of a state. You did not want to continue and I offered to wipe your memory. You accepted quite eagerly.”

The angel paused in the telling, obviously quite upset. Dean was still angry, but less so and he wanted to comfort Cas, but he didn't.

“On a third occasion, you were so drunk that Sam and I had to carry you to bed. You had confessed nothing this time, but when I lay you down, you pulled me down and kissed me, right in front of your brother. He cleared his throat and you sobered enough to...I believe the term is 'freak out'...completely. I offered to wipe both your memories. You accepted the offer again.”

“Sam did, too, right?” Dean was no longer angry because his sole focus was on the idea that his baby brother had seen him pull another man into his bed and lay one on him.

Cas shifted uncomfortably as he adjusted his tie. Without answering, he strode to retrieve his suit jacket and began pulling it on over his now-buttoned shirt.

“ _Cas_?” Dean asked, a little panicked.

“No, Dean,” Cas said on a sigh, “Your brother did not accept the offer. He still remembers. He was present for the first confession, and I found out that night that apparently he saw the first kiss as well.”

Dean didn't speak. Cas stood there waiting for nearly an hour. When he called Dean's name several times and got no response aside from a shake of the head, he left.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get better, then even better - right before they get worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy part 2! 
> 
> In case it wasn't clear, the work is finished, only the editing is not, that is why I am posting a chapter every few days.

**Conflicted**

Dean did not see Cas again for the next several days. Part of him wished he had accepted the memory wipe or asked for it when he found out the truth, but deep down, as much as it scared him, he treasured the memory of that night. It shamed him because he felt betrayed and because it went against what he believed was his nature, but he found himself calling up the memory during quiet moments.

On the other hand, there was Sam to think about. Sam knew, apparently had known for some time, that Dean was having these feelings. Dean had been struggling with it all this time, never knowing that he'd already acted on his urges more than once. Trying to hide his feelings from his brother, when his brother already knew everything. His cheeks burned when he thought of it.

He remained angry with Cas, but he knew he was angrier with himself. He had asked for the memory wipes, hadn't he? And he had been the one who kept acting on his impulses, not the angel. He thought maybe that was the thing that was bothering him, though. When he thought back over the last occurrence, the one he _did_ remember, there was a definite difference from the other times Cas had told him about.

On the other occasions, Dean had been drunk. He had confessed his feelings twice and kissed Cas twice, but from what he could tell, Cas had not provoked him any of those times. This last time, though, he had been stone cold sober when Cas had shown up in his car, asking pointed questions. Questions which now seemed very calculated to Dean. Of course, he had confessed to reading Dean's thoughts, so Dean supposed he had already suspected the questions were calculated.

Maybe those other times were why Cas had started peering into his thoughts in the first place. Was it because of the confessions Dean had already made? The things Cas told him certainly explained Sam's comment on the phone as well as how experienced at kissing Cas had seemed in the car. Despite himself, he smiled when he realized Cas was a good kisser because he'd taught him how to do it.

When his phone rang and he saw Sam's number, he almost didn't pick up. However, he didn't consider himself a coward most of the time and he didn't need anything else to feel guilty about right now.

“Hey Sammy, how's it going?”

“Good, man. Really good. Planning on heading back tomorrow afternoon, if that's cool with you?”

“Yeah, no problem.”

“Cas still with you?”

Dean cleared his throat. “No, he, uh, he left.”

“Dean, you ok? You sound pissed.”

Dean took a deep breath and started talking before he could let himself decide this was a bad idea and back out.

“No, Sam. I'm not ok. Cas told me about the memory wipes he gave me. The ones he offered to give you, too.”

Sam's startled “Oh” was very quiet and full of surprise. Dean figured that was from having his big brother open up to him as much as anything else, but he wasn't sure and he needed to know. Before he could say anything else, Sam asked, “Why did he tell you?”

That was as good an opening as any, Dean supposed. “Because he offered again and I declined.” Dean just left that in the air for a minute, saying nothing further, but allowing the implication to sink in for his brother.

“Oh, so...oh,” Sam stuttered. Rather lamely, Dean thought.

“Yeah, Sammy. 'Oh.' I did...that...again.” _And then some,_ he thought. _And then some more._

“So are you two...uh...you know...are you?”

 _Man, that was even lamer, Sam._ “No, we aren't 'uh', Sam,” he said a bit harshly. His voice softening and sounding more uncertain he said, “I got pissed at him when he told me about the other times. Then I wouldn't talk and he ran off. I've been too scared to call him back.”

Sam did stutter this time. “So in other words, you got scared and acted like a dick.”

Dean huffed out a breath that was half laugh and half sigh. “Yeah, little brother, that's pretty much exactly what I did.” He hesitated, but figured he had gone this far, why stop now? “So, Sam, you, uh...You ok with this? With him and...this?”

It was Sam's turn to laugh and mock word choices. “Yeah, Dean, I'm ok with 'this'. You're my brother and I want you to be happy. Idiot.”

“Bitch,” he said gruffly, but Dean was smiling and he knew Sam could probably tell. He'd never felt closer to the little bastard.

“Look, I'll see you tomorrow. In the mean time, man, fix this, ok? There's a reason it keeps happening no matter how many times he wipes your memory.”

**Fixing It**

He sat there, thinking about his brother's words for a long time. Finally, he made a decision and started acting on it before he could second guess himself. He wanted to be clear about his intentions from the moment the angel showed up. If _he shows up after you acted like such a_ dick, Dean tried not to think.

“Cas?” Nothing happened, so he continued. “Look, Cas, I know I have to keep apologizing to you for acting like a jerk, but I'm hoping you've still got a little forgiveness left in you because I really need to see you. There's a few things I need to say.”

Cas appeared then and his eyes widened when he saw Dean. John Winchester's oldest son was standing in the middle of the motel room, waiting for Cas, completely naked.

“Dean?” Cas' face registered confusion mixed with tentative hope.

“I'm not mad at you, Cas. You didn't do anything wrong. I've struggled with this and I got mad at you because it was an easy way out of coming to terms with how I feel.

“But then I talked to my brother. And Sammy doesn't think it's bad or wrong or crazy that I feel the way I do about you. He wasn't the only reason I was having a problem, but I think you know his opinion carries a lot of weight with me. He told me I should fix this, but I still wasn't sure.

“Then I spent a long time sitting here, just thinking about everything that happened from the moment you showed up in my car the other day up until you left. And the two things that I kept thinking about besides the...incredibly hot sex that we had, were the way I felt when you told me you loved me and the way I didn't accept your offer this time.

“Because that means that even though I didn't know this had happened before, my feelings for you have been getting stronger all the time. Sam pointed out that this keeps happening for a reason and he's right, but more than that...I chose not to accept because even though I knew I was going to keep struggling, I didn't want to deny the way I feel anymore.

“The first four times, I'd been drinking, Cas, but I am completely sober right now. I'm sober and my head is clear.” He took a deep, steadying breath. “And so are my feelings. I love you, man. You're a weird son of a bitch and you don't get my jokes most of the time and you poke your nose in where you have no business being...”

His voice softened before he repeated, “And I love you. I've never been with another guy or wanted to be with one. I don't know how you changed that, but honestly? You've been all I could think about for weeks now, maybe more, hell, I don't know.” He scrubbed a hand back through his hair. “So I am standing here naked to show you that I am as ok with this as I can get at this moment. I can't guarantee I won't freak out about it later or get scared again or do something stupid to fuck it up...but right now, I want to be with you more than I've wanted anything in a long, long time.”

Cas said nothing and for a second there was a clutching sensation in Dean's chest that felt like his heart was exploding, but then he saw Cas move to take off his trench coat. The suit jacket was next, followed by the pants. When Cas reached for his tie, the angel finally smiled as he removed it. He unbuttoned his shirt slowly and Dean found he couldn't breathe.

In a voice that was deeper than ever and very quiet, Cas said “I want to be with you, too, Dean.” This time, he took the lead. In two steps he was in front of the hunter, his hands grasping the sides of Dean's head, his mouth crushing the man's lips in a fierce kiss. Tongues clashed and hands explored, all to the furthest extent they could reach. When they were both hard and aching with need, Cas pulled back from the Dean's mouth and hands and dropped to his knees in front of him. Dean closed his eyes.

Without further preamble, Cas grabbed the base of Dean's cock and started licking the head. He slid the whole thing into his mouth and cupped Dean's balls with his other hand. Dean felt like his entire lower body was being sucked into Cas’ warm wet mouth, so strong were the glorious sensations Cas was creating with his lips and tongue and throat. He wanted to keep his eyes closed and be lost in the moment, but he also wanted to watch Cas swallowing his dick. When he opened his eyes and looked down, he almost came right then. Cas' full lips stretching wide around him was just about the hottest thing he could remember seeing, those blue eyes staring up at him, pupils fully dilated, full of lust and love in equal parts.

He wanted to keep watching, but then Cas smiled around his cock and did a new thing with his tongue and Dean's head went backward and his eyes closed of their own accord. He groaned deep and loud. Cas’throaty chuckle, vibrating against his cock, was almost his undoing. Seeming to realize he was so close, Cas pulled his mouth off and used just his hand. The other hand left his balls for a moment and Dean heard a small click that he thought he recognized. Before he could identify it, the mouth and hand were back and thought was lost to desire once more.

The suction of Cas' mouth against him was incredible and the gentle pressure on his balls spread that sensation outward. It was the only thing in his universe at the moment, he could think of and feel nothing else. Until the middle finger of the hand cupping his balls slid backward across his taint and brushed the rim of his ass. His instinct was to clench, but when he did so, Cas stopped all movements, hand and mouth, the latter sliding off Dean's cock with a soft pop. He did not withdraw his finger.

Cas looked at Dean calmly, obviously waiting for Dean to make a decision. He didn't look confused or upset, which was good, if surprising. Dean considered his options, though it was hard to think with Cas where he was, moving or not. What did he want? He could tell Cas no and he knew Cas would stop. But did he want that? Hadn't girls done this to him before? Hadn't he liked it? With a deep breath, he forced himself to relax all his muscles again. He smiled down at Cas and ran a hand through his hair.

“I'm ready,” he said hoarsely.

“I want you to look at me while I do it. Can you do that?” Cas' words shocked him. His instinct was to clench again, but he didn't. This was intimacy on an unimaginablescale for him. He didn't know if he was ready. He thought the idea of Cas' cock pounding his ass was a lot less scary than looking Cas in the eye while Cas slid a finger inside him. Then Cas very softly said, “Please?” and Dean was helpless to do anything but nod down at him.

Cas smiled up at him and took the head of Dean's dick back into his mouth. His finger slid over the puckered opening once more and Dean dimly made the connection between the wetness he felt and the sound he'd heard earlier. It had been the flip cap of a lube container. He did not take his eyes off of Cas as the finger slid inside, one millimeter at a time, until Cas' hand had left his balls completely and his bent index and ring fingers were pressing into the underside of Dean's ass cheeks. Dean maintained eye contact as the finger began to move in and out, synced with the rhythm of Cas’ mouth. He felt so exposed, so vulnerable, and tears were pooling in his eyes, but he did not look away, did not even blink.

Cas’ eyes were filled with wonder and love and then lust took them over and his lids drooped. With a hungry growling sound, he broke the visual connection as he plunged forward onto Dean's cock until his nose was pressed flat against the springy blonde hair on Dean's pelvis. He pressed his finger in as far as it would go and slid it lightly from side to side. When the tip pressed into Dean's prostate, a shudder passed through Dean's whole body and he arched forward with a grunt escaping his throat.

“Castiel, “ he whispered. “Ah, fuck, Cas, what are you doing to me?” He unconsciously lay his hand on the back of Cas' head and threaded his fingers through the thick dark hair, gently tugging him forward and pulling him back in a slow rhythm. They made eye contact again and that's all it took. With guttural cries of ecstasy, Dean started to cum, his hand pulling less gently on the hair now, the rhythm a lot faster. “Oh, fuck, FUCK, Cas!” he yelled as he shot into his lover’s mouth. Cas continuedsucking until Dean shook and pulled away from the too-intense pleasure, his cock head overly sensitive in the wake of his thunderous orgasm.

His legs began to shake and he sat heavily down on the bed, trying his best to pull Cas toward him as he did so. Cas stood up and stepped between Dean's legs, wrapping his arms around Dean's neck as Dean's arms circled his waist. The hunter pressed his forehead into the angel's chest, taking deep, shuddering breaths.

“Where, uh,” Dean started, but his voice was cracking. He cleared his throat and continued. “Where the hell did you learn how to do _that_?”

“Since our previous encounter, I've been doing...research.” The hunter shook beneath him and then his laughter washed over Cas in a warm wave. Dean lifted his head and smiled at him with unmistakable affection.

“Damn, Cas, you are just full of surprises, ain’tcha?” He pressed his lips into the slight indentation in the middle of the angel's chest. “I hope you don't need to ask if you pleased me this time.” He felt Cas kiss the top of his head and then the angel was pulling his head back and grinning down at him. That ridiculous smile again. That beautiful ridiculous smile. Dean smiled back and hoped his was half as ridiculous to Cas.

“You know what, though, Cas?” he said, his face growing serious. “It's your turn,” he finished. The smile that broke across his face now was not ridiculous. It was downright filthy. He grabbed Cas and flipped him around onto the bed onto his back. He pulled his hands up and pressed them over his head. Then his eyes widened as he had an idea. He jumped off the bed and retrieved the tie Cas had discarded earlier.

“Dean?” Cas looked confused, then worried when he saw the tie.

“Trust me, Cas. Do you trust me?”

“Of course.” He tied Cas' hands to the headboard.

Dean clapped his hands and rubbed them together, unable to contain his glee. “This? Is gonna be fun!”

Despite all that had happened, he found he was still a little uncomfortable with touching a man's body. It was partially for this reason that he wanted to play and explore a little bit. He thought perhaps if he became more familiar with Castiel's body, it would seem less foreign and weird to him.

He started by trailing his fingers lightly down Cas' arms, starting just below his tied wrists. He drew them down over his armpits, across his ribs, down his stomach. It was this way that he learned the angel was ticklish. Then he moved back up and traced the same trails with his lips and tongue, planting feather-light kisses and leaving damp lines on Cas' skin. This time, he went below the stomach to the hips, thighs and down to the ankles. He kneadedhis way back up, gently massaging the angel's muscles. Cas made a contented purring sound in his throat as Dean worked.

He finally reached Cas' straining hard-on and caught the musky scent again. He wondered if the desire on his face matched that on Castiel's and he thought it must. Tentatively, he rubbed his hand over the bottom side of the cock in front of him, enjoying seeing Cas shudder and twitch as he did so. Looking Cas straight in the eyes, he licked a wet stripe from balls to head, gently applying pressure as he did so.

Then he took the head into his mouth and started sucking Cas' cock in earnest. Ignoring how weird this still seemed, he once again just tried to do all the things he liked himself. _Like the things Cas did a few minutes ago_ , he thought, and his cock sprung back to life. As soon as it did, he began enjoying himself again, just as he had the first time. This time, he let himself go further down, eventually taking the whole thing into his mouth. He nearly gagged a few times, but he learned to relax his throat and he found that the feeling of the head going so deep excited him.

His own cock was throbbing, but his mind was racing. He thought about one of the things Cas had done to him and after another few bobs of his head, he decided he should act on his idea before he chickened out.

Cas whimpered when Dean abruptly left him again, but when he saw the lube, his lids drooped and he smiled. He watched Dean squeeze a stripe of the clear gel onto his first two fingers, gasping when Dean dropped the tube and took hold of Cas’ cock again. His eyes tracked Dean's hand movement downward, widening to comic proportions when he realized those fingers were headed toward Dean's ass and not his own.

“Dean, what-”

“Shhh,” Dean said, both hands working on different projects. He needed his concentration. He thumbed the underside of Cas' head and squeezed the shaft, sliding his hand up and down at the same time he worked first one finger and then the second one into his own ass. Looking at Cas' cock again, he let go of it, earning another whimper. He retrieved the lube and added some to his ring finger and then to Cas' cock.

If his moans were any indication, Cas really liked the feeling of the lubed up handjob he was now getting while Dean fingered himself, preparing. When he thought he was as ready as he could be, Dean moved forward and knelt over Cas' flat, perfect stomach. He wanted desperately to look Cas in the eye, show him exactly how much he was willing to give, but it was too much. He looked into blue eyes as he moved backward, but as soon as he felt the head touch his ass cheeks, he dropped his gaze. He closed his eyes completely as he gently slid back onto Cas' dick, forcing himself to stay relaxed. He dimly heard Cas suck in a harsh breath, but he paid no attention, focused for the moment on himself.

He moved backward in tiny increments, stopping every few millimeters to maintain his relaxation and allow himself to adjust. When he had Cas’ whole cock inside him, he finally opened his eyes again and met Cas' gaze. The way love and desire shone out of the blue eyes staring back at him was soul-shattering , and he knew he'd made the right choice. He began to move. He maintained eye contact, but as sensations overtook the lover beneath him, he was no longer sure Cas actually saw him or only a haze of lust.

He stroked his own cock as he rocked up and down. As the pleasure his hand gave him increased, so did the speed with which he rode Cas. When he began to get close to orgasm, he started dropping down as far and hard as he could, taking Cas all the way into him. Sometimes this meant the head of Cas' cock slammed into his prostate and that body shiver would overtake him and he would cry out.

Cas was too turned on to control himself. He was writhing madly, unable to move his hands and clutch at Dean or the sheets for support. When Dean pulled away after bottoming out on his cock for the third time, Cas began to buck his hips upward, thrusting into Dean as Dean slid down. The added force and urgency drove them both quickly to the edge and they came at almost the same moment, their names mingling in the air as the pair cried out their ecstasy.

Dean wanted to collapse on top of Cas, but he knew he had to untie him first. Unfortunately, leaning forward to do so meant that Cas' shrinking penis slid out of his ass and the sensation that followed was not altogether pleasant. Dean realized now why the few women he had had unprotected sex with were always in such a rush to get to the bathroom afterward. Having cum leave your body was not nearly as pleasant as having it enter. He supposed he would get used to it. He tried not to think about how much weirder his life had just gotten.

When the tie was off and Cas' hands were free, those hands immediately started reaching for Dean, trying to pull him down onto the bed where Cas lay in a sex-induced stupor. Dean had not tied his hands high or tight enough to really cut off the circulation, but the movement was still a little awkward from lack of use and he was able to slip out of Cas' grasp easily. He gave him a kiss as compensation before jumping off the bed.

He went to the bathroom and ran warm water over a wash cloth. He returned to the bed and gently used it to clean Cas' cock and stomach before folding it and using it on himself. When he felt cleaner, he tossed the cloth in the general direction of the bathroom, turned off the light and returned to bed, to lie half on top of Cas.

He was no longer so sleepy. Now that the rush of passion was wearing off, he was feeling lost and vulnerable. He couldn't believe what he had just done. He knew he had enjoyed it, that it had felt all kinds of right, but it scared him anyway. Ordinarily, the way he felt right now would make him act butch and try to overcompensate, but he had a feeling that wasn't going to work for this. Instead he rolled onto his side, facing away from Cas toward the window.

“Dean?” the angel said into the dark, concern evident in his voice.

“Hold me, Cas. _Please_.” If his voice broke on the last word, it was probably just from yelling so much, he told himself, overcompensating a little, despite his best intentions. Cas just gathered him close and spooned him tight, planting a soft kiss on his ear.

“I love you, Dean Winchester,” Cas whispered into the same ear before kissing it again. Dean's chest hitched on what felt dangerously close to a sob before he whispered it back. _Loved_ , he thought. _Somebody besides my brother loves me._ His earlier shame and fear was washed away by the thought. He slept.

**Sammy's Return**

They spent all the next day trying unsuccessfully to leave the motel room. They got up to shower and that led to soapy handjobs in said shower. Once they were clean and starting to get dressed again, they watched each other dressing and that led to undressing each other again for slow blowjobs and general body worship. When they were picking up their clothes to get dressed again, Cas saw Dean bend over to pick up his socks and was struck with a sudden urge to take him from behind.

When that was over and they were cleaned up, Dean begged, “Dude, please, I gotta eat, man. You're wearing me out.” An hour and another handjob later, Cas zapped himself to a Biggerson's and came back with two bags of Dean's favorite things.

“Pie! You got me pie?!” Dean's eyes lit up so much that Cas gave him that ridiculous smile again.

They had sticky apple pie flavored sex before Dean ever got a bite of the burgers and fries. He'd never had this much sex at one time in his life and he was frankly surprised that his penis was still working and he hadn't died again. He didn't know what it was, but he couldn't seem to keep his hands off and neither could Cas. Dean was so distracted by Cas in fact that he managed to forget that Sammy was heading back. That is, until his phone rang just after a particularly intense orgasm.

When he spoke into the phone, his voice was breathless and it cracked and ended on a squeak.

“Dean are you ok?”

Dean clearly his throat and did his best to sound normal. “Yeah, Sammy, I was, uh, I'm fine. I was just just lying down. What's up?”

“I just needed to know where I'm going. You've changed motels, right?”

“Huh?”

“Dean, I'm on the way back and I need to know where to go. Are you still in River Rock?”

“Oh, right, yeah, of course. Sorry, I think I musta fallen asleep or something. Yeah, actually I moved us about 40 miles south of River Rock now - town called Whistling Springs. The Drive Inn, room 26.”

“Alright, well in that case, I will see you in about an hour.”

Dean went into a full on panic when he hung up, running around trying to hide all evidence that the motel room had been the scene of his and Castiel's own private porn movie. Cas watched him for a few minutes in silence, before softly saying his name. Dean barely registered the sound, but he turned and looked at Cas.

“Dean,” he said again. “Calm down.” He placed a hand on Dean's shoulder and the hunter's breathing slowed, evened out. “You told me your brother was fine with us being together. So why are you panicking?”

Dean blew out a breath and braced himself on the back of a chair with both hands. “You're right, Cas. I'm being an idiot. Sorry.”

“Besides,” Cas continued, pulling Dean away from the chair and back toward him, “Aren't there better ways to spend an hour?”

**Back to Work**

Things were not as awkward as Dean feared when Sam got back. It helped that Bobby called with a case almost right away. There had been reports of a a vampire a few towns and a couple hundred miles over and Bobby thought they should check it out as fast as possible. Dean didn't say so, but he was not happy about the idea of having to drive with Cas stuck in the back seat instead of next to him. Sammy was not thrilled at the prospect of getting back in the car, either, having just driven all day, and he did say so, but Cas solved both problems.

“Sam, I can fly you to the motel so you can check in.Then I couldreturn to Dean and drive back with himwhile you rest.”

Sam readily agreed and within moments, that part was over. Dean loaded up the car and checked out and then he and Cas were in the Impala, rolling down the road. After they'd gone a mile or two, Dean reached out and took Cas’ hand. They both smiled. For a long time they rode without speaking, letting Led Zeppelin fill the air instead. When the tape was finished, Cas finally spoke.

“I suppose you may have noticed today that I was rather...insatiable.”

Dean laughed. “Yeah, you and me both, man.”

“Ordinarily, I would not allow myself to overindulge like we did, if only for your safety. However, I felt that perhaps familiarity might lessen the difficulty you have with the situation and make it easier for you to accept.”

Dean smiled, his eyes shiny, and squeezed Castiel's hand. He didn't have words for what he was feeling. He wanted to tell Cas to search his mind again, but that wasn't something he wanted to make a habit of letting happen. He just decided he'd do the best he could.

“I think it worked, Cas. I don't feel the way I did a week ago, or even two days ago. This feels good. Really good. I know I freaked out when I found out Sam was coming, but trust me man, there is a difference between being ashamed and just not wanting your little brother to know you've been doing it nine ways from Sunday with a mutual friend. I am not ashamed of you. Of what we have. Ok?”

When Cas gave him that huge smile again, Dean thought his heart stopped beating. _Cas really is fucking beautiful,_ he thought _._ He told him so and Cas smiled again, but this time with tears in his eyes. He let go of Cas' hand long enough to stroke his knuckles on the angel's face. Then he took the hand again and raised it to his lips for a kiss.

“I love you, Dean.” He would never get tired of hearing it.

“I love you, too, baby.” Cas chuckled. “What's funny?” Dean asked, instantly on the defensive.

“You love me as much as you do this vehicle. That makes me very happy.” Dean relaxed.

Over the next several days, Dean was doubly glad for their earlier sex marathon. Chasing vampires didn't leave a lot of time for secret romantic trysts. He still managed to find time alone with Cas as often as he could, so that they could steal too-brief kisses or hold hands, but they could never quite manage enough time for sex. When Cas was on the verge of losing it and threatened to fly Dean somewhere they could indulge without Sam finding out, there was a suddenly break in the case and they had to go to work again. Still, the place they were meeting Sam was half an hour away, so Dean surprised Cas with a handjob on the ride over. If the noises he made were any way to judge, Cas was very grateful for the gesture.

**My Blue Heaven**

They'd just finished up the case, ganking 3 vampires without any humans dying. The 3 of them were celebrating with burgers and beer. Dean had parked the Impala in the middle of a field and they leaned against her as they ate and drank. Sometimes they joked around, but mostly they shared a comfortable silence.

Dean had finished his burger and was on his second beer. He was lost in his thoughts, enjoying the peace and the company, when it happened. Cas was done eating and drinking and walked up close. Without thinking, Dean's arm went around his waist. Cas put his right arm around Dean’s shoulders and with the other he gently rubbed Dean's belly under his shirt. Dean smiled and tilted his head back onto the car. He took a long swallow of beer with his eyes closed, the smile still in place.

“Ha! Uh. Ok, then,” Sam said, laughing and shaking his head.

“What?” Dean asked, turning his head toward his brother without lifting it. He had no clue what Sammy found so funny.

“You're, uh...” Sam cleared his throat, using his beer and eyes to gesture at his brother's stomach and the angel hand resting there. Dean flushed a deep crimson as his head snapped forward. _Shit._ Affection with Cashad become so natural to him that he hadn't even thought about what they were doing – or, more importantly, that they were doing it in front of Sam.

Cas removed the hand from Dean's stomach, but neither dropped their arms. At the panicked look on his brother's face, Sam rushed to speak as Dean took a fortifying chug of beer. “Dean?” He waited until his brother looked at him to continue. “Dean, it's cool, man. I told you I was ok with it and I am, I just...I wasn't expecting to see it today, that's all. I mean you haven't mentioned it and I didn't realize things had...progressed, I guess.” He said it all with an encouraging smile.

“Your brother and I are enjoying a wide variety of sexual interactions,” Cas interjected, matter-of-factly. “Though not recently enough for my tastes.”

Dean nearly choked on his beer, but Sam laughed outright and clapped his hand on Dean's shoulder as his brother turned an even darker shade of red.

“Dude, look. I'm happy for you, alright? Just so you know...” He looked away and took his own fortifying sip of beer. “If and when we ever get back to heaven, today's gonna be in my greatest hits.” He looked at his big brother again, to show him that he meant it. Dean grabbed Sam into a bear hug to hide the tears in his eyes.

He said a muffled “Thanks, man,” into Sam's shoulder. “And you,” Dean said, turning from Sam to Cas. “Come here, you.” He kissed Cas soundly, only stopping when Sam said “Dude!” and threw his hands over his head, running away from the car. As he increased the distance Sam yelled “That's too much, Dean, too much!” Dean laughed and thought, _Damn_ right _greatest hits._ Sam came back almost right away, laughing his ass off. Even Cas was laughing.

**Retraining**

Their celebration was short-lived, though, because Bobby called again with another case. A series of unexplained deaths had occurred in a small town southwest of where they'd killed the vampires, so they headed out again. That night, for the first time in a long time, the Winchester brothers booked into two separate motel rooms. Sam checked them in while Dean talked to Bobby, who had called to give an update.

They hadn't discussed getting separate rooms, so Dean was a little nonplussed when Sam handed him a key and said “You two are in 192, I'm in 193. I'm beat, so I'm gonna call it a night. When you get up, come to my room and we'll talk about the case.”

Dean couldn't believe it. He and Cas had a room to themselves again. He expected to just be happy, but he found his nervousness returning and he didn't understand it, really. He started putting his things in his room and realized it wasn't his room, it was _their_ room. Dean wondered if he'd found the source of his discomfort. This wasn't just Cas staying in Dean's room. This was his and Cas' room, which Sam had booked because obviously, he saw them as a couple. Dean had little experience being a couple. He knew it was just a label and not even one Sammy had used out loud, but it still felt constricting.

Then Cas sat down on the bed with the biggest smile Dean had ever seen on his face, and his chest eased. His shoulders relaxed and Dean let go of the pent up nerves. Nothing had changed at all. He still had Cas around and still wanted him there and Cas still wanted to be with him. No label was going to mess with that. His nerves quickly turned into excitement at having a whole night of Cas to himself again.

He stepped toward Cas and then his stomach growled in a very unsexy way. He realized he hadn't had dinner. Then he remembered something Sam had mentioned about the town and he had what he thought was a great idea. He would take Cas on a date.

“Hey, Cas, would you like to go out for dinner and a movie?”

Cas lost his smile as he tilted his head in confusion.

“I'm asking you out on a date, Cas. I wanna take you out.”

Now Cas beamed. “I'd love to.” Then his face clouded. “But Sam said it was late. Do movie theaters stay open late?”

“The drive-in does. We can get food there, too. Maybe make out in the front of the Impala again,” he added with a lascivious grin and a wink.

Dean had to laugh at himself a little while later, as he held the car door open for a very confused angel. He had been scared of being a couple because he hadn't done much of that before. Well, he hadn't done much actual dating, either, yet here he was excited at the prospect. It was that damn smile Cas got sometimes. He'd do a lot to see that smile.

They were showing one of the _Friday the 13_ _th_ series, which was hardly Dean's favorite genre. Drive-ins weren't known for showing the best that cinema had to offer, but Dean figured, just like countless men on dates before him, that the crappier the movie, the more time he could devote to trying to get in his date's pants.

The night went much like Dean had told Cas it would. Once he got the speaker set up, he went to concessions and picked up burgers. He also bought hot dogs, since Cas had never had them - or the Coke Icees he also ordered. He got candy and popcorn just because it was the movie thing to do. The line was long and the movie had already started by the time he got back to the car and Cas.

“Why does it make the one in the mask so angry when the women take their shirts off?” Cas asked as soon as Dean hopped back in the car. Then he eyed Dean suspiciously. “Did you just want to see this movie because there are bare breasted women in it?”

Dean laughed at both questions and leaned in to give Cas a loud kiss on the mouth before handing him his food.

“Got you a burger, but also a hot dog. You'll like it. Junior mints are a kind of candy, which you'll also like. Everybody likes popcorn, I think. Oh and this is a cola flavored ice drink.”

“Thank you, but you didn't answer my question.” Dean smiled because Cas had asked two questions, but it was easy to figure out which one he meant now.

“No, Cas, I did not choose this movie for the half naked chicks. Were you jealous? Because I gotta tell you, I'm kinda digging this flat-chested hottie that I've been seeing.” When his charm failed because Cas didn't understand what he meant, he clarified, “You, man. I'm talking about you.” His stomach flip-flopped when he got the smile again.

They ate in relative silence, Cas only occasionally breaking in with a plot question. When they moved on to popcorn and candy, Dean slid his arm around his date and used his left hand to hold Cas'. Cas made a sound of contentment and snuggled into him. Dean kissed the top of his head. After a few minutes, Dean let go of Cas' hand and started undoing his tie, while using his other hand to massage Cas' shoulder. When the tie was gone, he slid his hand over to cup the far side of Cas' chest through his shirt and run his thumb over one perky nipple.

“What do you know? I just got to second base on a first date,” he said, knowing Cas wouldn't understand, but figuring he'd explain it to him later. When Cas turned toward him, perplexed, Dean took the opportunity to steal a kiss. He let his hands roam free while his mouth explored first Cas' mouth and then his jawline and neck.

All the while, Cas made little gasps and moans that went drove Dean crazy. He took his time, though, and didn't rush. They weren't going to have sex in the Impala at a movie theater. They had their own room back at the motel for that. He was thoroughly enjoying the moment until some douche bags that wandered past started shouting anti-gay epithets at them.

“Sorry, Cas, those guys are-”

“Homophobes, I know,” Cas said with an utterly disgusted look on his face. Dean looked surprised so Cas continued, “I've seen their kind before. They use my father's name to condone their hatred and help it spread. It's sickening. Let's go before I do something I'll regret.”

Dean smiled to himself as he backed out of the space. Driving meant he couldn't continue running his hands all over Cas, but apparently the angel decided to take advantage of Dean's busy hands to do some body exploration of his own. As soon as they rolled out of the parking lot and onto the highway again, Cas was across the car and kissing Dean's neck. Then his hands got to work, too.

They nearly swerved off the road when Cas' hand brushed over the growing bulge in Dean's jeans. “You should pay more attention to the road, Dean.”

Dean wanted to make a smartass comment, but the downward movement of his zipper stalled all coherent thoughts, so he concentrated instead on keeping his baby between the lines and trying not to exceed the speed limit by more than 30 mph. Mostly he was successful, but Cas was relentless. By the time they reached the motel, Dean's shirt was hiked up to his armpits, his pants were completely undone and his freed erection was only not hitting the steering wheel because Cas' right hand was gripping it tight.

“Cas, uh,” Dean said breathlessly. “We've, uh, gotta get inside now. Can you take your hand off so I can find a way back in my pants?”

“No.” Before Dean could protest, Cas pressed two fingers to his forehead and they were inside on the bed.

“Angel mojo is won-” Whatever he had been about to say was lost when the pad of Cas' thumb caught a drop of pre-cum and used it to pain a wet circle on the bottom of Dean's head.

Cas pulled away to undress and Dean did the same. Cas was standing, but Dean remained sitting on the edge of the bed. When they were both naked, he pulled Cas over to stand between his knees. He kept holding Cas' hand and reached up his other hand behind Cas' neck and pulled him down for a kiss. As tongues clashed and teeth knocked, Cas pressed Dean backward onto the bed and they scooted up toward the headboard.

Cas pulled his swollen mouth off of Dean's and began licking and nipping at Dean's jaw and neck hungrily. He kissed and bit all over Dean's chest, over the shoulder that bore his angelic mark, and down the hunter’s stomach. He skipped past Dean's aching cock and chose instead to lavish his balls with attention. He sucked and licked them until Dean was moaning with need. Dean reached a hand down to stroke through Cas' hair. He didn't try to direct Cas' head, he just wanted to caress him, to express his pleasure in another way.

Cas opened his eyes and looked at Dean as he finally moved his tongue upward onto the base of his shaft. The look was full of hunger, promise and longing and Dean thought again how beautiful Cas was. His cock was throbbing with arousal, but the look in Cas' eyes had him momentarily overcome with emotion.

He slid his other hand into his lover's hair and said “Come here, Cas,” as his eyes became shiny with potential tears. Cas' face took on that expression of endearing bewilderment that Dean loved so much, but he complied. That made Dean all the more emotional. He captured Cas' whole head in the kiss, with his mouth and both hands.

The kiss was not gentle, but neither was it a kiss of just desire. Everything Dean felt for Cas - his friend, his love, his angel – he tried to pour into this one kiss. Those three words were not enough to contain the depth of his emotion. Dean knew Cas could see his soul, so he probably didn't need to show it for Cas' sake, but he needed to express it for his own sake. So caught up was Dean in his own outpouring of emotion that he did not realize immediately how much Cas was putting back into the kiss. When he realized what he was receiving in return, that Cas felt as much as he did, the tears finally fell down his cheeks.

Cas must have felt the tears because he pulled away and planted light kisses on the wet tracks, soaking them up. Then he kissed Dean's closed mouth firmly and started moving back down his body. When his mouth slid over the head of Dean's cock without warning, he surprised a gasp from the hunter, followed by a breathless moan as Cas' mouth continued downward toward the base. His tongue swept across Dean's shaft as he slid up and down, suckling gently.

There was no teasing this time, but when Dean started nearing orgasm, Cas abruptly stopped. Dean didn't have time to protest, though because Cas was soon straddling him and taking his cock inside. He hadn't realized Cas even had the lube out, much less that he'd been preparing himself while he gave Dean mind-blowing head. Now he was staring Dean straight in the eye while he took Dean inside himself. Dean reached for Cas' cock, but Cas shook his head and moved his hand away.

“Want this to be all about you,” he explained breathlessly.

“No good for me unless you're happy, too, Cas,” Dean countered, wrapping his hand around Cas' cock once more.

Neither broke eye contact the whole time. It was the most intimate thing Dean had ever experienced in his life, but for once, he wasn't scared. He was too trained by life as a hunter to believe this could ever last, but he knew he had this one perfect moment to keep inside himself forever. Endearments were still foreign on his tongue, but he used them now.

“I love you, Cas,” he said as he started to peak. “I love...you. No matter...what happens, don't ever forge-” his words turned into a guttural cry as his orgasm swept through him. His cock pulsed hard, as he shot deep inside Cas.

Cas's own orgasm followed swiftly on the heels of Dean's, but as the first drop of semen landed on Dean's chest, Cas suddenly _vanished_.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some reunions are better than others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some discussion of drug use in this chapter. There are also homophobic epithets, some instances of sexual shaming and discussions of past physical violence. No actual sex in this one, sorry, but they do talk about it a lot.

**Shamed and Lost**

It had been 3 days. Dean had not seen or heard from Cas. No matter how many times he cried out for him or whispered to him in the dark - his voice hoarse and pleading and raw with tears either way - Cas did not respond or appear. Dean was as lost as he had been after his father died. More so, even.

He had lain there in the bed, stunned, for a full minute before he had called out for his angel. He didn't – couldn't – believe that Cas had left him on purpose. If he left after what they had just shared, it was because he had been taken. Dean was beside himself. He didn't know what to do.

He had thrown on some clothes and run next door to Sam's room. He was sobbing so hard when he went over there that he had to explain it to Sam 3 times before his brother could understand what he was trying to say. Sam did research to try to figure out what might have happened, looked for signs and omens, tried to call Bobby to see if he'd heard anything, but he didn't answer.

There were no leads. Cas had just disappeared for what appeared to be no reason, but Dean did not accept that. He knew Cas had not left him on purpose, but he didn't know what to do. When Sam caught another case, he had no real choice except to hunt it with him. There was nothing else to do. He had thrown himself into it, trying to blind himself to anything except the adrenaline rush of tracking and fighting the monsters and the pleasant warmth of saving a family from what had seemed like certain death.

But the hunt was over now and he was alone again. It was the middle of the night and his bed was still as empty of Cas as Dean's head was full of thoughts of him. He lay there staring at the shadows on the ceiling, unable to sleep, wishing he knew where Cas had gone. Trying not to relive those last moments because, while they might be a comfort later, right now? They were torture.

He couldn't help it, though. He saw Cas' beautiful blue eyes staring down at him and saw all the feelings in them. He felt the love that had poured out of that last kiss. He felt the tight grip of Cas' hands on his shoulders, the excruciating pleasure of Cas' mouth on his body. He remembered how that one drop of semen had landed on his chest, warm and soft, just before Cas had gone away.

He distantly heard a noise outside, but it didn't really register until a few minutes later when he heard a knock at his door and Sam calling his name. He threw on some pants and stuffed the gun from his pillow into the back of the waistband. He saw Sam through the peephole, but he was wary, nonetheless. When he cracked open the door, he saw fear on his brother's face and something else that seemed equally unpleasant.

“Cas? Is it Cas?” he asked frantically, throwing the door wider. What he saw when it opened nearly took all the breath from his lungs. It shouldn't have been such a surprise, given their lives in general and also what had happened when the devil's gate opened, but it did surprise him. It scared him like it obviously scared Sammy, too.

“Dean, it's me,” John Winchester said. “But Cas is something we need to talk about.”

Time seemed to stop and start for the next little while. Dean felt like it was speeding up and slowing down. He hadn't smoked pot in a long time, but this was a lot like that - only without any of the pleasant feelings that normally accompanied a nice marijuana high. Sam explained that he'd gone through the gamut of tests – silver, salt, holy water, iron. He'd even used a video camera to check for shape-shifter eye-shine, but John had passed all the tests.

Their father told them that he'd been in heaven, reliving his life as usual, when he'd suddenly been visited by several angry angels. After their talk, he'd been told he would be returning to Earth. They did not say whether or not it was a permanent trip, only that he would be returning, so that he could talk to Dean about his current path. John's mission was to stop Dean from what he was doing.

“And what am I doing, exactly, Dad? Saving people and hunting things, like always.” There was anger in his voice as he said it, as well as a fair dose of resentment. He wanted to be happy to have his father back, but he wasn't. He'd have been so much happier to see his mother. _Why couldn't they have sent Mom back instead?_ He thought miserably.

“Not quite, Dean. There's your little angel 'buddy'.” He said the word with obvious distaste and derision, as though he knew it wasn't the right one at all.

Dean's body went utterly still and his blood ran cold. He faced monsters almost every single day of his life, but the fear of the man in front of him knowing about his less-than-heterosexual love life was almost too much for him to bear. He did his best to keep his voice steady as he asked, “What about him?”

But their father refused to say more. Instead he suggested they get some sleep and he went with Sam back to his room. Over the next few weeks, he remained cagey about why he was there, but he traveled and hunted with them. He helped them on a couple of cases and he was professional whenever a hunt was on, but when it wasn't, he was even harder on Dean than he'd ever been before. No matter what Dean did, John found fault with it. That wasn't exactly rare, but it was more frequent and more vicious than Dean or Sam could ever remember. The longer he stayed with them, the worse it got.

Finally, after 3 weeks, and the third nasty insult against his brother in under ten minutes, Sam stood up and looked down at John, seeming to enjoy the height advantage fully for the first time. He demanded to know why the hell John was there and why he was riding Dean's ass so hard about everything.

“Funny choice of words,” John said with a nasty smirk.

“What the hell does _that_ mean, Dad?” Sam asked, though Dean suspected they both knew.

Instead of answering, his father stood up and walked away, running a hand through his hair and looking disgusted. When he finally spoke, it wasn't to Sam. “Dean, I thought I raised you to be a man?” He turned back to face his oldest son now. “I mean, bad enough to defile an angel, but a _male_ angel?!” he spat, his voice rising in volume. “You always were a pathetic candy ass, but I never thought you'd actually go _queer_ on me!”

At the word “queer”, John's lip curled into a hateful snarl. That expression - more than any test Sam had done - made Dean believe this was really his father. He had seen it plenty of times as a child, just before a hand had landed on him in a smack or a punch. He had feared it for as long as he could remember, but tonight it only made him angry. He face broke into a grin that would have been grotesque on any other face, as filled with hate and derision as it was.

“Just what the hell do you know about being a man, Dad? Huh?” He said, rising from his seat on the bed. “You think a real man beats his kids? Trains them up into soldiers? Abandons them for weeks at a time without a word?” He moved as he talked so that he was right in John's face as he said, “You wanna know why Sam never listened to you, _Dad_? Because _I_ was his father! _I_ raised him! _I_ looked out for him! I was his father and his _mother_ , but I was just a fucking _kid_! You never should have put any of that on me, on us!” Dean leaned back a little and tilted his head. “And you think you're gonna come here and tell me I'm not a _man_ because despite my fucked up childhood I found someone to _love_?”

John flinched at the word “love” and would have spoken, but Dean cut him off. A dam had broken inside him. Cas' disappearance had all his emotions boiling right under the surface and they were flowing out now, heading straight for his mouth.

“That's right, Dad, I _love_ him. And if you think for a _second_ that I don't love him as much or more than you loved Mom, then you need to get your head out of your ass! You had a good childhood. You never shot demons or lived on the run on the road before you met her. You'd never really lost anything before she died. You grew up thinking love was a thing you could have.” He turned away from his father before continuing. “Think about how I grew up, Dad. I never had a real childhood once mom was gone. I started hunting when I was barely old enough to read. I was raised believing love was a thing I would never know because a hunter can't risk it.” He wiped angrily at the tears in his eyes. He couldn't believe he was saying these things out loud, but he wasn't finished.

“And unlike you, I know that I probably won't get to keep it now that I've found it. So I know just how precious it is that I've found someone. I know just how special and amazing he is, not least of which for being able to love someone like me. So don't you dare,” he said, meeting his father's gaze once more, “tell me I'm not a _man_ because I fell in love with someone as deserving of love as Castiel. And don't you dare say I _defiled_ him because -”

His voice broke and he looked away again on the hateful words and then he just couldn't continue. There were no words for how much he loved Cas - or for how much the idea that he had somehow _sullied_ Cas pained him. He still couldn't believe he'd said as much as he had and he didn't want to go on. He just shook his head and refused to look at his father.

Sam came to stand between them. “I think you should go,” he told John, his face brooking no argument. John grabbed his things and left without another word.

**Paradigm Shift**

“You wanna talk about it?” Sam asked wearily.

“No!” Dean couldn't help the automatic response, but his anger dropped away as soon as the word had left his mouth. He sighed heavily. “Yeah. Yeah, Sam. I think I do.”

Sam only let the surprise register on his face for a split second before saying, “Yeah, man. Whatever you need. You okay?”

“About Dad?” He laughed without much humor. “Yeah, I'm okay about that. I've had time before tonight to get past being his good little soldier and see him for what he was. What he said...it makes me angry that he said it, but I don't believe any of it.”

“Yeah, I could see that. That's great, Dean. And I'm glad you've found Cas, I really am.”

“So was I. Too bad I already lost him, though,” Dean said bitterly. He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “That's what's got me fucked up here, Sammy. If the angels sent Dad down here to break us up, that means...” He took a deep, steadying breath. “That means they are probably the ones who took Cas. And it means they are putting him through some version of what just happened to us with Dad. Except he doesn't have you to back him up. And there's more than just one of them.”

Dean looked so wretched that Sam reached out and squeezed his shoulder.

“Hey, man, we will get him back. He'll be okay. He's smart and he loves you.”

“I know he does, Sam!” He pulled his hair with both hands and looked anguished. “And they'll probably use it against him! They'll try to convince him I don't care about him, that he's just a disposable sexual conquest.” His breath hiccuped on the last word, as a sob threatened to overtake him. He choked it down.

Sam didn't say anything. He had to know Dean was right. Dean took a moment to compose himself. He took a deep breath and blew it out. He wanted a drink, but he thought he might not stop at one and he didn't want to be drunk if Cas showed up. He decided he needed to be alone.

“Look, man, I'm gonna try to get some sleep.” Dean massaged the back of his neck roughly.

“Yeah, man. Hey, uh, what if Dad comes back tomorrow?”

“I guess we will deal with that bridge of bullshit when we get to it.”

Sam nodded and Dean walked out. Even though they'd changed motels several times, they continued to rent separate rooms now, no matter who went to the front desk. It had been an unspoken agreement to act as though Cas would return at any time. Dean hoped it would be soon. He'd been without him for weeks now and who knew what kind of damage those winged bastards might have done in the meantime.

When he got into bed, he prayed to Cas, just as he had every night that Cas had been away.

“Cas, I still don't know if you can hear me. I still hope so. I miss you. I'm scared of what might be happening to you. Dad, uh, he kinda went ape shit on me tonight about you and...well, us. I went ape shit right back. I told him that I love you at least as much as he loved my mom and...I do, you know. Love you that much. You're the most beautiful person I've ever met.”

Dean stopped speaking for a minute, trying to compose his thoughts. He was more scared than he had been before the fight with his father. He thought Cas could handle most anything, but he knew that fights with his angelic brethren were the hardest on him. He always came back from that changed for the worse and if they were hell bent on keeping he and Cas apart...Dean didn't want to think about what they might be saying. He just wanted to say something to help counteract it, if he could.

“Cas, my dad said something that I really didn't like. It really bothered me that he thought it, but more than that, it bothers me because I suspect he got the word from your brothers. I am pretty sure that's where you are, since that's who sent him back. The thing is, he said that I...he said I _defiled_ you. I hope you don't feel like that, Cas. Look, I never...This isn't some angel kink I have, I'm not into deflowering the pure or any of that shit. The physical thing...that's just...it's part of the rest of it. It's not the main thing. It's a thing I like, don't get me wrong, I mean, hooboy, I like it a lo–“ Dean cleared his throat. “But, but, uh...if we didn't do that again, I would be okay with it. As long as I got to be with you and tell you I love you and hug you, hold your hand...I could skip all the rest of it if I had to.”

Dean fiddled with the hem of his shirt as he searched for more words. “Cas, what I mean is that, all that stuff, the, the...sex...stuff, it's great and I...I really enjoy it, but it was only a way for me to...it's part of the way humans express love, okay? It's what we do. Sure, I've had sex for sex' sake before. Lots and lots of-” Dean shook his head to stop his nervous rambling. “But never with you, Castiel. With you, it was always an expression of how I feel about you. And if...if I wasn't supposed to...If _we_ weren't supposed to, uh, do those things, then...I'm really sorry about that part. But it doesn't change how much I love you, man.”

He lay back on the pillow and closed his eyes, wishing he at least knew Cas was alright. He tried to concentrate on his best moments with Cas instead of the fear. He was remembering their last hug when he finally started to drift off to sleep. He slept well for once, his dreams full of Cas in happier times.

**Surprise Ally**

He woke up with a smile on his face, but it died when he remembered that he had only seen Cas in his dreams. He looked over at the bare side of the bed, where Cas had been spending so much time before he vanished and his heart ached. He rolled onto his side, facing away from the offending absence of Cas.

“Hiya, Dean-o!” said a voice from beside him.

Dean shot off the bed to see Gabriel lying next to where he'd just been, lying in Cas' spot.

“What the hell, man?!” Dean realized he was only wearing boxers and a t-shirt and he hurriedly started throwing on clothes. “What are you doing here? We thought you were dead...we saw your...uh...video.”

“Oh, Dean, Dean, Dean. So pretty and yet not so smart. I was brought back, ya silly goose!”

“Brought back? But-”

“Ah-ah-ah! Don't ask me why or how because I don't know.” He climbed off the bed as Dean finished dressing. “But here I am!” he said, putting up his arms, emulating a classic “ta-dah!” pose.

Dean was speechless for the moment, but Gabriel was not. “Are you not happy to see me? I'm crushed!”

“Look, Gabe, I'm real glad you made it back from angel oblivion, but I've got a lot going on right now. Can you just tell me why the hell you're here?” Dean absently started cleaning up his room, tossing empties into the trash and piling towels in the bathroom.

“Hey big boy, you'd better play nice because I'm gonna do you a favor.” At this, Dean paused in his cleaning ritual.

“What? What favor? What are you talking about?” He hoped it was about Cas, but he didn't want to get his hopes up. Gabriel could apparently tell how anxious he was because he perversely drew out his answer.

“Aren't we excited all of a sudden?” Gabe said with a mischievous grin. He twirled around, earning a deadly glare from Dean. “Alright, alright. I give. You ready?” He paused again, mostly, Dean suspected, just to irritate him. “I know where they've got Cassie stashed, Dean-o! And I'm gonna bring him back here to you!” When Dean just stood there, afraid to speak, he continued, “The daring rescue! The great escape! Two angels, one cu-”

Dean held up a hand and interrupted. “Okay, Gabe, I get it! You're gonna, what, bust into heaven? How are you gonna do that? And even if you could, how are you planning to get Cas back out?”

Gabriel pranced over to the couch and spun into the seat with a flourish. “Oh, ye of little faith. You Winchesters are so skeptical, anybody ever tell you that?” Dean only glared at the small whiskey-eyed angel again. “Fine. I lived most of my life up there, Dean-o. I know all the back doors and secret passages. Which should answer both questions.” He examined his nails, the picture of boredom.

Dean heaved an exasperated sigh. “Won't they have him under guard? You gonna be able to fight a bunch of surly angel thugs by yourself?”

“Well, unless you wanna die and come with me, Dean-o, I don't see that I have much choice.” Seeing that Dean was not appeased, he added, “Besides, I've got a really neat weapon I've been dying to try out ever since I popped back onto this popsicle stand. It'll take out anything in heaven except the big man himself.”

Dean felt like he was out of questions and objections. This was Cas' best hope of coming home to him and he needed some hope right about now. Gabriel noticed his silence immediately.

“What, no more arguments? You must be in a real hurry to see my baby brother again,” he said with a filthy smirk. The hunter scowled, but Gabriel only winked at him. “Don't worry, Dean, I'm cool with you two being... _you two_.” He sobered and actually stopped smirking for a moment. “Truth be told, I'm glad Cassie has someone to look out for him.”

Dean didn't know what to say to any of that, so he gruffly said “I notice you aren't leaving yet. I'm used to angels who don't even both to say they're going.” Gabriel started to respond, but Dean had another thought and cut him off. “Why did you come here, anyway? Why not just go get him and then bring him back here?”

“Well, about that.” Gabe stood up and paced around. “Fact is, I do need a little something from you.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Oh, naturally. What is it? My blood? My soul?”

Gabe rolled his eyes right back, so hard it involved his whole head. “Dean-o, don't be so _dramatic_ for crying out loud! I just need to press this cloth against your, uh, your mark. It can track Castiel and lead me to him.”

Dean started to acquiesce, but then paused. “I thought you said you knew where he was?”

Gabe nodded. “Heaven's...complicated. I know his approximate location, but I don't know the exact spot. This little beauty will lead me right to him, so I don't have to waste time looking once I'm up there.” He looked at Dean expectantly. “So - you in or what?”

“Yeah, I'm in,” Dean answered, taking less than a second to remove his shirt.

“So eager! Ooh, and so pretty. You know, seeing you like this, I can almost understand why my brother likes you?” He waggled his eyebrows. “Of course, your brother is more my type.” He put on a falsetto voice and a lisp. “He's so _dreamy_!” He batted his eyelashes.

“Dude! Just get on with it!”

“Fine, fine,” Gabriel said with a chuckle, moving toward Dean with the cloth at last. Just before he pressed it against the hand print on Dean's shoulder, he said, “Oh, by the way, this is going to hurt like a bitch, sorry.”

Dean yelled out with the pain, but before he could punch Gabriel, the angel had disappeared. Almost immediately, Sam was pounding on the door.

“Dean? You okay in there, man?”

Dean opened the door and quickly explained everything. Then he clapped his hand on Sammy's shoulder and squeezed, without saying anything. He tried to convey his emotions with his eyes. Sam nodded, as if he understood.

Dean managed to get through the rest of that day and to sleep that night, knowing that someone was fighting to bring Cas back. But the next day, when Cas and Gabe still hadn't returned, his anxiety made him crazy. Sam didn't fight back when Dean snapped at him for nothing, nor did he say anything when Dean checked his phone 100 times in 5 minutes. He even stayed quiet when Dean cranked the radio even louder than usual. It wasn't until lunch that Sam finally confronted him.

“Okay, dude, look. You have got to calm down!” He sighed and leaned back in his seat, staring out the window for a few seconds. “Look, Gabriel is going to bring Cas back, alright?” Sam shook his head and played with his napkin. “I mean, you've waited for Cas all this time and you've handled it. Now, you've just gotta get through a few more hours or maybe another day. So just relax, man!”

“What? Dude, I'm fine,” Dean claimed as he bounced his leg and rubbed his hands up and down his thighs.

“Dude, you look like me when I needed a new hit of demon blood. You've been snapping at me all day, checking your phone every 10 seconds and now...Now you're not even eating.” Sam gestured at Dean's still-full plate. “I can only remember 2 times you ever lost your appetite before today. The first was when you had ghost sickness and the second was when Famine showed up. Other than that, never. Hell, I've seen you eat immediately after throwing up.” He laughed, but it was a little hysterical. He leaned toward Dean and lowered his voice. “You didn't even lose your appetite when Cas disappeared! Why are you so scared now that he's coming back?”

Dean truly focused on Sam for the first time all morning. His eyes were full of misery and fear. There was hope fighting in there, too, but it was losing and it looked like he might cry. He searched Sam's face for a minute before speaking.

“Like I told you, Sammy...I'm afraid that they broke him.” He twisted his shirt in his hands and stared out the window blindly. “That he's gonna come back hating me and wanting to end things between us...I'm scared that...” He closed his eyes and shook his head, unable to finish.

Sam looked like a confused puppy dog, but then his face cleared. “Scared he's gonna come back agreeing with Dad?” Sam asked, finally getting it. Dean nodded. “Look, Dean, I'm not gonna lie. He might. His brothers really do have a way of fucking him up.” Dean looked more miserable than ever. “But look, man, it's Castiel. He's always snapped out of it. In the end, even though it may take a lot, he always ends up coming around and listening to you again.”

The hope started gaining ground in Dean's eyes. He searched Sam's face for any sign that he was just trying to make him feel better, but he saw none.

“Yeah, okay. You're right. Thanks, man.” He had another fear, but he didn't voice it. It was too terrible to contemplate. He was afraid Gabriel would return alone.

After the talk, Dean's appetite returned enough for him to finish most of his lunch, but plenty of fear remained. As they drove back to the motel, Sam asked what the next move was. “Do I keep looking for cases? Or do you wanna just take a breather and wait for Cas to show up?”

“Go ahead and try to find us something. Whether he's back tonight or not, if you get a lead, we'll head out tomorrow.”

Dean hung out in Sam's room most of the day, listening to Sam talk about various omens and possible cases. But as afternoon became evening and evening turned into night, his restlessness returned. He told Sam he was going to get beer, but really he just wanted to drive.

He hopped in the Impala and rode out, seeking the highway. Dean left the speed limit behind and pushed the Impala to her limits before settling down to a normal pace. When he got a few miles outside town, he swung around and drove back. He drove in circles around the town like this for about an hour, until his mind cleared and he could finally relax. Almost as an afterthought, he grabbed a couple six packs at the corner store on his way back to the motel.

He hesitated before going back inside. He was torn between wanting to have Cas alone if he came back and not wanting to be alone until Cas returned. The latter won out and he knocked on Sam's door, offering him a beer when he answered.

**Brothers and Fathers**

They shared a couple of beers, talking sporadically about possible cases. They didn't mention Cas and Dean was able to put it out of his mind – or as out of his mind as it ever was – for a little while. It was nearly midnight when Sam finally said he was done in and needed to go to bed. Dean took the rest of the beer back to his room.

He had just cracked open his third beer when his skin prickled. Before he could turn around, Gabriel said “I sure could use one of those.”

“Me, too,” came the familiar gravelly voice of Cas.

Dean jumped up and whirled around, spilling a little of his beer. He didn't bother to clean it up, instead setting his wet beer down to throw his arms around Cas. Cas stiffened without moving at first, then he awkwardly reached up with one arm to pat Dean's back. Dean dropped his arms and stepped back, clearing his throat and trying hard not to cry. He busied himself popping the caps off two beers and giving one to each angel.

“Sorry it took us so long to get back, Dean-o. Things were pretty grim up there.” He looked pointedly at Dean, as if to make it clear that Cas had gone through some bad shit. “We're lucky to be here _physically_ in one piece.” He glanced at Cas, who was staring straight ahead, then back to Dean, to make sure he was getting the message.

“Yeah, I, uh, I get that. I'm just glad you're both here.” As he took a long sip of his beer, Cas looked at him, then down at his own beer as if just realizing he had it. He downed the whole thing in one go. “You, uh, want another one?”

“Yes. More, if you have them.”

So the 3 of them sat and almost finished off the rest of the beer, Cas drinking more than his fair share. They didn't talk a lot, but Gabriel did fill him in a little on his and Cas' escape from heaven. Cas had had guards, after all, and Gabe had had to fight and kill them both before he could even get to Cas.

“My new toy worked like a charm!” He said brightly, but the smile didn't reach his eyes.

During the fight, Gabriel's entrance point had been discovered and blocked. So they'd had to alternately run, hide or fight all the way back to another escape route, which was quite far from where he'd come in originally. All told, they had had to kill six angels in order to get back out of heaven. Every single one was directly involved in Cas' kidnapping, so Dean didn't feel bad about it, even if it looked like Gabe and Cas did.

Dean wanted Gabe to leave, but he had a feeling things would get worse when he did, so he just bided his time and said nothing, letting them tell their escape story. Cas wasn't looking to Gabe for support, but he was sitting much closer to him than to Dean and he rarely met Dean's eyes.

Finally, Gabriel made vague noises about leaving, looking at Castiel as if he were testing his reaction. Cas made brief eye contact, but looked away, saying nothing. He downed the rest of his beer quickly, though, so Gabriel stayed another twenty minutes. He spent it talking about how it had been easier to get out than he'd expected because there were so few angels in that area.

When he was done expressing his opinion that the faction of angels who had taken and held Cas was relatively small and contained, he stood up. He mentioned leaving again then and this time Cas nodded. Dean thanked Gabriel, adding a solid pat on the arm and then the archangel was gone.

Dean and Cas sat in silence for several minutes, glancing at each other and looking away before they could make eye contact. Finally, the tension was so great they both tried to break it at the same time and each said the other's name at the same moment. Dean tried not to think about the last time they'd said each other's name at the same time, when it had been in the throes of ecstasy. But he did think about it, and his face burned.

“You first, Cas. Go ahead.”

“Dean, I...You should know that I...Is there another beer?” Dean got him one without saying a word. “Thank you.” He took a long sip, but did not finish it off in one go this time. “I heard you when you talked to me. I want you to know that I would have answered if I could. I appreciate all the things you said. They did help me.”

Dean didn't know how to feel about that. He _appreciated_ what Dean said? What the hell did that mean? Dean had bared his soul, told him how much he loved him, apologized for things that weren't really even his fault. And Cas was _appreciative_? What was that?

“I...this is difficult. My time in heaven was not...pleasant. My brothers made it clear that I had been...that I've debased myself and sullied my grace by engaging in sexual congress with you.” Dean's stomach dropped.

“They said they wanted to...cleanse me. That they would make me repent so I could get the taint off my grace. This meant frequent discussions between them of how wrong it had been. How unclean you were...and hours and hours of being told how filthy I was.” In the most human act Dean had ever seen him perform, Cas' face crumpled then and he started to cry.

Dean was scared. He wasn't sure if he should go to Cas or if that would only make it worse, but after a minute, he couldn't take it anymore. He sat down on the couch next to him and reached his arms around the sobbing angel. At first Cas stiffened and held himself away from Dean. But the sobs did not stop and after a moment, he relaxed into the hunter's touch, his head tucking naturally into Dean's neck. Dean stroked his back as the tears fell and soaked his shirt.

Dean didn't know how long they sat there, but gradually, the angel's sobs tapered off into hiccups and then to ragged breathing. When he had calmed enough, he pulled away from Dean and sat up straight. He said nothing and Dean let him sit there in silence for a while.

Dean walked to the mini-fridge and offered Cas another beer. The angel nodded gratefully. He handed him the bottle and their fingers brushed against each other. Cas snatched his hand away like he'd been burned. His eyes flew to Dean's and Dean thought there was a plea for understanding hiding somewhere inside all the fear. Saying nothing, Dean held the bottle by the neck this time, angling the bottom toward Cas so he could take it without touching him.

Dean just stood there then and said nothing some more, unsure of how to respond to any of what had or was happening. All he wanted was for Cas to be okay again. He didn't know how to make that happen and he didn't want to say the wrong thing and jeopardize the possibility that it could. He thought letting Cas work it out for himself was best for the moment.

After a while, Cas seemed to realize that Dean wasn't going to question him or pressure him for answers. He looked at the hunter hopefully, as if testing this new theory and Dean only gazed at him as impassively as he could. Cas searched his friend's face for a moment. When he was done, he visibly relaxed, as though some of the air had been let out of him. Only a few moments later, he finally began to speak.

“I was always taught that my father created sex for the humans as a way to express love and create children. That it was a beautiful thing he had made for them, and one which we should respect.” He looked to Dean for confirmation that he understood and the hunter nodded.

“In heaven, as you know, we have no gender, no...sexual identity. We don't need it. It is why I call all angels my brothers, even though many of them have female forms when they come to earth.” Dean nodded again when Cas looked at him. “Up there, we usually don't have forms at all, unless we are interacting with humans, so gender just does not exist for us. Celestial wavelengths don't need sexual identity.”

Cas stood up and walked a few feet away as he talked. “On top of that, we don't have emotions for the most part, though of course, we love our father. And without emotions and non-familial relationships, we don't need sex and have nothing like it in our part of heaven.

“Once we come to earth, or spend time in the human parts of heaven, though...we become susceptible to human emotions. Not all of us give in, but...” Cas had been looking at the floor for most of his speech, but now he turned and looked at the far wall, showing Dean only the back of his head.

“The truth is, I started having human emotions almost as soon as I left heaven. Not even on earth, but in hell. The moment I saw your soul, I experienced something I have never felt before.” He turned back to Dean and looked him in the eye as he went on.

“I know my behavior hasn't always shown it. I've done things to you that I regret. Partly because I've tried to deny what I felt and I've tried to deny that I was supposed to feel it, or that I was even _allowed_ to feel it. Not to mention, my brothers made it clear that I shouldn't feel it. They have been against you from the start because of it.” He hung his head again at that.

“Dean, my feelings for you...they are the reason the angels have always been so hard on your and Sam. Not just the mistakes Sam has made. All those things Zachariah did to you? He didn't just do it because you're a smart ass or because you wouldn't say yes to being a vessel. He did it because...I used to be the least human angel in the garrison. I followed orders without thinking or blinking. I fought for heaven, and earth meant little to me.

“It is why I know so little of your ways and customs, while my brethren have so much knowledge. They came down here, often. They interacted and mingled with you humans and watched your television and read your books. I never did. If anything, I looked down on them a bit for doing so. To me, heaven was a perfect place and I could never understand their desire to be here where things were not perfect.” He sat back down on the couch, heavily.

“So when I saw your soul, and...changed...they took it as a betrayal. All those centuries of disdaining all things earth and I fell in love with the first human I met. Not to mention I did it while your soul was trapped in hell. They could see the change in me right away. In fact, Gabriel says the back of my grace bears a mark much like the one on your shoulder.” Cas wore a small smile as he said this. “I didn't know that until he rescued me.”

Dean still didn't know what to say, really, didn't know how to process what he'd just learned. The angel had said it once before, but Dean only just took in the enormity of it. Cas loved him at first sight? How could he process a thing that enormous? But when the silence stretched out, he couldn't bear not to say something.

“You...You've loved me this whole time?”

“Yes, Dean.” He said nothing more, so Dean tried to find more words.

“I, uh,” he cleared his throat. “I kind of like knowing I left a mark on you, too.” He gave Cas a small smile, but the angel still wouldn't look at him. “Hey, man, can you look at me?” When the blue eyes met his for a brief moment, they were guarded and Dean could read nothing in them before they were sliding away.

“Do you...uh...do you think your brothers were right? That you debased yourself when we...” Dean braced himself because he'd never said the phrase seriously before, but he knew if it ever applied, it was now. “When we made love?”

Cas' eyes flew to his green ones. This time they were not as guarded. They held pain and fear and Dean didn't know the source of either, but he prayed it wasn't him.

“Dean...I don't...I don't know!” He jumped up, fisting both hands in his hair. “I never would have thought so before my brothers took me away. I don't believe this is how my father feels, either. But now I just don't know!” His eyes were wild now as they skirted to Dean's and then away.

“They said horrible things, Dean. They called me degrading names. They accused me of being...no better than the creatures of hell.” At this, tears threatened to overtake him again, but Dean watched as he pulled himself together. Then Dean put a finger under his chin until he raised his face and made eye contact again. The gaze didn't last, but Cas didn't drop his head, either.

“Cas...I don't know why they hate me so much or why they want us apart so badly. I don't know if making love to you was wrong because of what you are or not. All I know is that, I really love you. And as far as I know, you still love me, too, right?”

He held his breath as he waited for the answer, but Cas met his eyes again for a moment and nodded with a small sad smile. He didn't realize how tight his chest was until he saw that smile and could breathe again.

He hated how vulnerable he felt, but more than that he hate how vulnerable he knew Cas was in this moment. He knew that it was up to him to try to save the thing he wanted most. Cas came back broken, like he had feared, and it was up to him to see if Cas wanted to glue himself back together.

“Okay. Good. So then what do you wanna do, Cas? Because me? I don't wanna lose you.” Dean had a hard time not reaching out and grabbing Cas, but he knew that would be a mistake. Instead he shoved his hands in his pockets and paced a bit.

He came to a stop in front of Cas again. “If you decide we shouldn't kiss or have sex again, so be it. I'll hate it, but I'll do it, if it means being with you. But don't walk away from this. From me. _Please_.” Now the tears threatening to fall were his.

“I don't know, Dean. You seem to think you can be with me and not touch me, but I don't know if I can do the same. I don't know _what_ to do. I wish I knew what my fathers wishes were. I know you probably look down on me for that...”

The angel look surprised when Dean shook his head. “No, Cas. You're looking for a little guidance. There's no shame in that.”

“Shame...” Cas whispered with lost look and a tiny mirthless chuckle. “No, in seeking guidance, there is no shame.” The way he said it, it was clear that he did feel shame for other things. Dean's heart broke a little, knowing he'd played a part in Cas feeling it, even though he didn't think they should be ashamed.

“Okay, so...go find some guidance.”

Cas looked afraid again. “What do you mean?”

“Joshua talks to God, right?” Cas nodded slowly, his face still confused. “So find a way to get in touch with Joshua. See if he can tell you your dad's opinion on all this.”

The fear on Cas' face gave way to contemplation. “Do you really think I should-”

“Yeah, Cas. And I know if you have to go up there to do it, it'll be dangerous.” Cas nodded, though the fear did not return to his face. “But I think it's worth it. You should definitely try to take Gabe with you, though. Think he'll go?”

“A heavenly rematch? I'm game if you are, Cassie-pal,” the archangel replied, appearing in the room.

“Dammit, Gabe, you gotta stop doing that!” Dean said, grabbing his chest as if that would slow his heart. “Have you been watching this whole time?”

“Relax, Dean-o. You called my name, I showed up. Simple as that.” Dean didn't trust his smirk, but there wasn't much he could do about it.

Cas moved to set his beer aside and Dean knew they were about to head out. So before they could disappear, Dean grabbed Cas in a bear hug. Cas held himself stiff again until Dean whispered “I love you” into his ear. At that, he flung his arms around the hunter and squeezed him just as tight. He whispered, “I love you, too, Dean.” and then the angels were gone.

The clock read after 3 in the morning and Dean knew he'd better try for a few hours sleep. “Be safe, Cas,” he said into the empty room. He was shocked when Cas appeared again.

“Dean, I forgot to say, I'm sorry about your father. To have him return and then have him turn on you...” He held up a hand when Dean moved to speak. “I know how you feel about what happened to me. I heard all your prayers, remember?” His face broke into a weak version of the smile Dean loved so well and Dean felt truly hopeful for the first time that Cas might be okay again. “We'll talk more when I return.”

This time when he disappeared, he did not return. For the first time since Cas had been taken, Dean slept as soon as he lay down.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another reunion. Some mild sexual situations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because this chapter is so short, I will be posting a second, also short chapter later tonight!

**The Same Ole Dull Routine**

 

He woke up to Sam pounding on his door. The light through the window told him it wasn't too early, but still earlier than he would have liked. The frantic level of the pounding let him know Sam had been out there a while.

 

“Coming, Sam!” He walked over and threw open the door before turning on his heel to head for the bathroom before his bladder exploded.

 

When he returned to the main room, he saw Sam taking in the beer bottles and general disarray.

 

“You really got wasted last night, huh?” Sam's expression was heading into bitchface territory.

 

“What?” he said dumbly before realizing he hadn't told Sam about Cas and Gabe coming in last night. “No, man! Cas and Gabe, they, uh, they got in late last night. I didn't wanna wake you.” He rubbed sleep out of his eyes with the heels of his hands. “Sorry I was hard to wake up, man. It was like 3 when they left.”

 

“When they left? Where'd they go?”

 

Dean sighed. “Dude, look, can I just have some coffee? I'll tell you everything, okay?”

 

Sam ducked outside and returned with a tray that held two coffee cups and a bag of pastries. Dean smiled. Sometimes his baby brother was awesome.

 

“What?” Thinking he was being ridiculed, Sam's bitchface threatened to return.

 

“I was just thinking how I raised you right, that's all,” Dean said with a grin.

 

Sam laughed and shook his head. “Jerk.”

 

“Bitch.”

 

Over coffee and danishes, Dean filled Sam in on the details of the angel fight and the state of Cas' mind. He left out all the parts containing the words love and sex, but he figured Sam knew anyway, given the way he kept smirking.

 

“So, they went back? What for?”

 

Dean groaned and fell back on the bed and he realized that their return didn't really make sense without all the squishy bits of the story. He had told Sam what the angels had done, but he wasn't sure how to delicately tell his little brother that his boyfriend had gone to find his dad because he didn't know if he was allowed to have sex with Dean and didn't know if he could be with Dean without wanting to get naked with him. Sam had been understanding, but there were limits.

 

“They, uh...Before Cas can be okay, he needs to...He wants know that his father doesn't agree with his brothers.”

 

“What does this mean for you guys? Is he basically having to ask for permission to be with you?” 

 

Dean laughed to himself. He should've known Sam would read between the lines.

 

“Yeah, well, not having to, but wanting to. He needs...some guidance.” Dean sobered and lost any trace of a smile. “His brothers really fucked him up, Sam. The worst they ever have, I think. He couldn't...he didn't even want me to hug him when he first showed up.”

 

Sam made a puppy dog sad face that Dean couldn't bear, so he looked away.

 

“It's funny, Sam, you know?” A ghost of a smile played across his face. “My father tried to do a number on me and my brother helped me through it. His brothers did a number on him and he's hoping his father will help him through it.”

 

“Ha, yeah, I guess you're right,” Sam said smiling a little. “Dean, it's gonna be okay. If nothing else, he's got Gabriel, who clearly approves. That's gotta count for something.”

 

Dean felt hopeful again. Then his phone rang and he returned to feeling like crap in an instant.

 

“Dean, we need to talk.” John Winchester's voice was like a bucket of ice on his elder son's spine and a cup of fire in his belly at the same time.

 

“I don't think there's anything to talk about, Dad.”

 

Sam's face registered surprise and unhappiness. He held out his hand for the phone. Dean didn't even hesitate before handing it over.

 

“Whaddya want, Dad? We're busy with a case.” Sam hunched his shoulders and turned away, listening. “Yeah? Well, I don't think Dean's ready to hear your apology just yet. You were kind of a dick and he's still pretty pissed.” 

 

Dean smiled at his younger brother, who was full of good surprises this morning. He started tossing beer bottles and packing up.

 

“Yeah, Dad, I know you came back from the dead. We've all done it, but it's kind of less impressive when you come back just to be an asshole to your son, you know?” Dean laughed out loud at that. “You wanna what? Did you say get lunch? Uh,” Sam looked at Dean questioningly.

 

Dean made a face, but then he nodded. Since his father _was_ back from the dead, he'd give him exactly one more chance. If he fucked up again, Dean was fine with pretending he was still dead.

 

“Yeah, alright. Where are you?” He paused to listen again. “Oh. Well, I think it's gonna have to be dinner, then. No way can we get there by lunch time.” While his father responded, he glanced at Dean, who had just finished zipping his suitcase. “Okay, see you then, Dad.” He hung up and handed the phone back to his brother. Dean raised his eyebrows.

 

“He's in Copper Canyon. If we head out now, grab lunch on the way, we can be there by 5 or so.” He searched Dean's face. “We can still back out...”

 

“Nah.” He repeated to Sam what he'd thought to himself about resurrection earning him one more chance.

 

“Yeah, okay, I guess maybe you're right. If he's a dick, we bail, right?”

 

“Oh, hell yeah.” Dean said, nodding vehemently.

 

So Sam got packed up and checked them out and then they were back on the road. Dean reflected that it wasn't all that different from a hunt, given that there was something unpleasant and unpredictable at the end of the trip. On the up side, worrying about seeing his dad took his mind off Cas for whole minutes at a time. After they stopped for lunch, Dean said the late night had caught up with him and he felt like he needed a nap.

 

“Here, Sammy, you drive,” he said, tossing his brother the keys as they walked back to the car. “Gonna try to sleep.” The truth was, he wasn't that tired, but he felt like Sam had earned it and he figured a little rest wouldn't hurt him.

 

**Send Me An Angel, Right Now**

 

After the dinner with John Winchester, Cas showed up and they checked into a hotel. Dean wanted to ask how things had gone, but Cas wasn't interested in talking. No sooner had Dean closed the door than Cas' mouth was on his and the angel was slamming him up against the wall. Cas' teeth tugged at his lower lip, his tongue swept through his mouth, claiming it and branding it with heat.

 

Cas shoved Dean's long sleeved shirt onto the floor and his t-shirt over his head. He ran his fingers and tongue and lips over the hunter hungrily. He bit and kissed and caressed as though he had been starved for it. Dean definitely knew the feeling and he did his best to return the touches. Cas was moving so much it was a little difficult, but Dean soon lost himself so completely in the sensations Cas was creating that he couldn't worry too much about it.

 

Dean didn't know how he lost his pants, but the next thing he knew, Cas had his mouth around his dick and was driving him slowly out of his mind. Cas moaned low in his throat and the vibrations sent waves of pure joy coursing through Dean's body. He was on the verge of orgasm already. He tried to warn Cas, but the mouth did not slow. He started to cum and then there was a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Dean!” The hand on his shoulder shook him. “Dean, we're here, wake up!”

 

As Dean shot straight up in the back of the car, he was grateful he'd put his long sleeved shirt over his lap. He wiped a little drool off his cheek and tried to orient himself to where he was.

 

“Just gimme a minute, Sammy,” he said, scrubbing his hands over his face. He tried to think about anything but the dream. Then he remembered why they were there and that did the trick for helping him lose his erection. He took the shirt off his lap and put it on, climbing out of the car.

 

“Alright, let's go.” He noticed Sam didn't want to meet his eyes. “Dude, what?”

 

“You, uh...nothing, Dean.” He'd never seen Sam blush before, but he would swear his moose of a baby brother was blushing now.

 

“Dude, what is it?”

 

“You were...talking...in your sleep.”

 

“I was...Aw shit.” He stopped dead and it was his turn to blush.

 

“Look, it's fine, man! It just took me by surprise. Let's go get this over with.”

 

Dean nodded and they walked inside. John waved at them from a corner booth in the back. Dean took a deep breath and started walking toward him. He found he wasn't afraid of his father anymore. He was just angry and worried about what he might try to say to hurt him this time.

 

“Hey boys,” John said when they reached him. They shook hands, but eye contact was scarce. Dean sat down first, followed by Sam. The “boys” busied themselves with their menus until the waitress came. Then they ordered and there was nothing else to hide behind.

 

“So look, Dean, I know Sam was right. I was an asshole the other night. I didn't do things right at all.”

 

Neither Dean nor Sam responded, they merely looked on impassively and waited for him to continue.

 

John sighed and leaned back in the booth. “Look, what the angels told me, it was a huge shock, Dean. I thought I raised you a certain way and I never thought you'd do something like -”

 

“Not really making your case here, Dad,” Dean interrupted.

 

“Okay, I'm trying. Shit, Dean, you think it's easy for me to see my boy grow up to be a...a -”

 

“A what, Dad? What am I, exactly, huh?” John looked away, saying nothing, so Dean went on. “What am I? Besides being one of the two best hunters out there? Besides being the guy who went to hell to keep his brother alive?” Dean leaned forward and dropped his voice. “What do you think I am, _exactly_? Because Cas? Cas thinks I'm righteous. He thinks I'm beautiful. He thought I was worth saving from hell and worth rebelling against heaven for.” He stopped speaking and let his father digest his words.

 

Before either of them could speak again, the waitress returned with their food. Dean attacked his plate angrily and refused to look up as he ate huge bites, too fast. When the waitress returned, he ordered a slice of apple pie and still he wouldn't look at John.

 

Finally, when there was a warm slice of apple pie in front of him, with vanilla ice cream melting over it, he looked his father in the eye defiantly.

 

“You wanna know what I am, Dad? I'm your son. And if I need to do more than that to make you proud of me? Then that's too damn bad.” 

 

He dug into his pie, but less angrily than he had his dinner. He took his time with the pie, savoring each bite. Because he did so, it took him nearly as long to eat the small slice as it had his entire plate of food. He waited for any response from his father, but when he finished his pie, John still had not spoken. He quietly set his fork on the plate, upside down. Then he checked to make sure Sam had finished eating.

 

“You ready to go, Sam?” He was on the inside of the booth, so he had to wait for Sam to get up before he could leave. But his brother didn't move.

 

“You know what, Dad?” Sam's face was angrier than Dean had ever seen it. Angrier than when he'd left for Stanford. “You really blew your chance here. Dean's done just about everything you ever asked him to do. He was your good little soldier and he followed you with blind faith for _years_.” He threw his napkin onto the table. “He took care of me, _raised_ me - because _you weren't there_. And all he needed from you today was a little acceptance. You came back from the dead and instead of being grateful, you just went right back to the way you were before, only... _worse_. Why did you even bring us here today?” 

 

He got up and Dean followed. They walked away and did not look back. John Winchester did not follow or call out. Dean thought maybe he should be sad, but he didn't feel much at all, really. He thought maybe he had finally climbed out from under his father's dark shadow and he was glad.

 

**Absent Fathers**

 

They booked a motel for the night in the next town. It wasn't very late, but Dean made his excuses and went to his room. He was exhausted and he wanted to be alone. He didn't really want to think about his father nor, for once, did he particularly want a drink. He said a quick prayer to Cas, wishing him luck and letting him know he missed him, then he settled down in bed with one of the newer Star Wars movies.

 

He couldn't really get into the newer ones, so he ended up falling asleep after only a few minutes. One minute he was thinking how he'd like to show Cas the originals some time and the next minute he was dreaming about an island beach. There were literally hot chicks all over the place. He checked them out as they walked by his hammock, smiling at them around the straw in his MaiTai as he did so. Then he spotted Cas walking toward him, dressed only in a brief pair of swim trunks.

 

He whistled to himself at how well a tan suited his angel. Though he had seen him naked often enough, it was strange to see him so undressed in public. He found he liked it and hated it at the same time, since it was a beautiful sight, but he was far from the only one looking at it. The girls he had just been ogling were now ogling Cas, which upset him on multiple levels, since they had not ogled him and Cas was supposed to be _his_. 

 

“Hello, Dean,” came the familiar greeting.

 

“Hey, Cas, how's it hanging?” He couldn't help the downward flick of his eyes and if he hadn't been dreaming, he probably would have blushed.

 

Cas chuckled, but he was now lying next to Dean on the hammock. His fingers trailed up and down Dean's arm, in a lazy caress, while his lips brushed against Dean's temple. He stared out into the ocean while he drew circles on Dean's shin with his big toe. Dean soaked up the sun, the caresses and the sound of the ocean. He hadn't seen the ocean nearly enough in his travels. Maybe someday he and Cas might get to go again.

 

“I'd like that very much, Dean. Though I am not sure I would care for those movies about war in the stars.”

 

Dean's dream self found this profound and extrapolated on the idea at some length before Cas' finger pressed against his lips to shush him gently. He quieted and the finger was replaced with lips. Dean worried about the crowd of people, but then he realized they had all gone. It was just the two of them in the hammock, alone with the sea.

 

The kiss was tender and slow, without tongues. It was neither a kiss of passion, nor one expressing deep emotion. It was a sweet kiss, one that felt more like an extension of hand holding than anything else. The gentle suction of lips on lips, repeated in between spells of lips pressed together. Press together, soft suction, pull apart. Over and over. Dean felt in no rush. He was enjoying the sensation more than he would have thought. Cas had truly amazing lips. 

 

Cas hand lightly skimmed over his belly and chest. Again, it was a lazy movement, nothing meant to incite desire or express devotion. It was a touch about enjoying the tactile beauty of another. Dean thought he could lay there forever, but the next thing he knew, it was dark and he was lying on the motel bed, illuminated only by the flickering of an infomercial.

 

Dean felt a profound sense of loneliness and loss. He longed to be back on that beach with Cas, feeling those hands and lips loving him. His chest ached with the weight of missing Cas. It was even worse than when Cas had disappeared. There was no worry for Cas' safety to temper the longing. This was pure, distilled “I miss you” tugging at his heart and mind and body, mixed with the very real possibility that he'd be able to have Cas near him, but never be able to touch him...or, worse, that he wouldn't even be able to have him near.

 

Without even knowing it was coming, Dean started to cry. He heaved big sobbing breaths into his pillow as he curled fetal. He clutched the pillow from the other side like a child with a teddy bear. As the pain swept through him, he spoke into the air.

 

“Please, Cas. Please don't leave me. Please, man, I'm begging you. I'll hate not touching you, but I can't not see you, please.” He repeated variations of this until he was hoarse and words dissolved into mere sounds of sorrow. He hated how weak he sounded, how weak he felt, but he couldn't help it. 

 

He jumped when he felt arms around him, holding him tight, and lips, pressing firmly to the top of his head.

 

“I'm here, Dean, shhh...” Cas whispered into his ear. The angel held him until the crying passed. Then Cas sat them up and he scooted away from the hunter so that he could look him in the eye. “I have not found my father. I came because you needed me.” Dean nodded. “I will...do my best not to leave you, Dean. No matter what my father says, I will come back to you.”

 

Dean grabbed Cas' hands and squeezed, not trusting himself to speak yet and not ready to let go of Cas' touch either. It might be the last time, after all. Though surely comforting touches would be allowed? Affection that was non-sexual must surely be ok, right?

 

“Even if we can't...I mean, you can still hug me, right? Squeeze my shoulder? I can give you a pat on the back and things like that?”

 

“I think that would be...permissible...regardless of my father's feelings about sexual congress.”

 

“I dreamed about you just now.” Dean lost himself in the memory for a moment and didn't say more.

 

Cas brought him back by saying, “I have a confession to make, Dean.”

 

“Uh, okay. What is it?” Dean tried not to look as nervous as he felt.

 

“Gabriel and I have been having to hide out a lot, trying to reach the garden without getting caught.” He broke eye contact and looked at the floor. “While we waited, I considered the possibility that I might not be able to find my father or that he might say my brothers were right.” He looked at Dean again. “The idea of not being able to touch you again filled me with great sadness.” He pulled one of his hands from Dean to run it back through his hair, looking toward the door now. “I decided to visit your dreams. I thought it might be a loophole, if God said we couldn't have a physical relationship.”

 

“So, what, today in the car...that was really you? Getting me all worked up before I had to go see my dad?” Cas looked afraid of his response, but Dean only laughed. “Man, you are something else. Good thing, too. Having you so clear in my mind probably helped me stand up to the old man, actually.” 

 

Cas smiled a little at that. “I'm glad, Dean. I was afraid of how you'd react. Especially given how the second dream made you feel.” He looked sad and afraid again.

 

“That dream made me feel _awesome_ , man. It was the idea of losing you that made me feel so damn sad. I loved the time in the dream. Hell, I wanted to go back as soon as I woke up.” He scrubbed his face with his free hand. “It will suck like crazy, not being able to touch like that. It will. I'm not gonna lie. But, dammit, Cas, you can't leave me. We can do the dream thing or I can just go without touching, if I have to, but not having you around? That I don't think I can do.”

 

Cas pulled him in for a hug then. It wasn't enough and they both knew it, but they also knew it might have to be. So they squeezed and pressed their cheeks together and held on for a long while before Cas finally pulled back, amid Dean's protests.

 

“I should get back, Dean. Gabby will wonder where I've gone. He's up there for me, after all.”

 

“Yeah, okay, you're right. You go. Come back with good news...or not so good. Just come back, you hear me?” Tears shone in Dean's eyes again, but they didn't fall. Cas nodded and then was gone.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The angels are breaking bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if anyone is reading, but if you are, I welcome your comments and feedback!

**Back to Kerouac**

 

The next day brought a new hunt. This time a string of mysterious disappearances. No bodies had turned up yet, so the boys were cautiously optimistic, but odds were, there would dead bodies in their immediate future. Their optimism quickly soured as the investigation went nowhere and leads spun into dead ends. They had been on the case a week and nothing had brought them any closer to even knowing what they were dealing with. One of the key witnesses was MIA and Dean and Sam had no idea where to look because people were clearly helping her hide.

 

Dean was fed up with the whole situation and they weren't far enough from being low on money for his liking, either. He decided some pool hustling might be in order, so he drove Sam into the next town over. No sense upsetting the locals where they were investigating by bilking a potential witness out of money.

 

They lucked out by meeting some high roller tourists early on. Dean was up several thousand by the time a couple hours were up, so he left off the hustling and devoted himself to drinking. Sam only had one whiskey with him, but it was one more than he usually had and Dean appreciated it. His “little” brother ordered a beer when Dean got his second whiskey, but he doubted Sam would finish it.

 

“It's weird,” Sam said when the waitress left their table, casting looks over her shoulder at Dean.

 

“What's weird, Sammy?” Completely oblivious to the waitress' attention.

 

“You, not hitting on waitresses...or any of the other women in the bar.”

 

“Huh...” Dean replied, as he thought over the truth of Sam's statement. He remembered the not-quite-a-dream from the week before and how he'd watched the girls on the beach. Tonight he hadn't really even noticed there were women in the bar. He didn't know what the difference was, but he found he didn't mind it. “It is kinda weird, yeah,” he said with a laugh.

 

“I mean, you've still been flirting with people, even after you and Cas got together. Just not tonight. Everything okay?”

 

“Yeah, nothing's different, as far as I know, I just...” He almost remembered a dream from the previous night, but it slipped away before he could catch it. “I don't know what it is, Sam, but I'm cool with it.”

 

“Alright, dude. Long as everything's cool,” Sam said before taking a long sip of his beer. His eyes tracked something and Dean saw that it was a woman walking past on her way back to her table. 

 

“You know, maybe _you_ should do some flirting, Sam, ever think of that?”

 

For the second time in a week, his baby brother blushed. “What? No. Dean, come on. I'm not you. Girls in bars aren't really my speed.”

 

“No, your speed is stop...but maybe it's time to change gears, Sammy.”

 

It took some doing, but Dean finally convinced him, and Sam ended up taking the girl back to the motel in the Impala while Dean rode in the back. He felt like it was becoming a habit, Sam chauffeuring him around, and he didn't like it, but he knew this time at least was for a good cause.

 

He walked into his room alone, feeling slightly better than when he'd left. At least he'd helped his brother, he hoped. He was restless and fidgety, but he couldn't settle. He hadn't had nearly enough to drink before Sam's pick up and he didn't have anything in the motel. He was just thinking he might make a run to grab beer when Sam knocked on the door.

 

“Dude, you're supposed to be-” he began as he swung open the door.

 

“Dean, the girl I picked up, she's Sally Mason.”

 

“Sally Ma- the witness we've been looking for? Are you shitting me?” He rolled his eyes. So much for Sammy getting lucky. Sam's face said it all. He sighed. “So what's the play?”

 

“Once she told me her name, I just started asking questions. I think maybe we're dealing with a Djinn.”

 

“Seriously? Dammit, I hate those fuckers!” It was too easy for Dean to want to buy what they were selling and he knew it. Not to mention how much they hated him for killing one of their own.

 

It was their best lead so far and they didn't waste any time. Once they knew what they were looking for, the signs were easy to follow. They tracked the lair within a few hours of leaving the bar. No thanks to Sally Mason, for possibly the first time ever, they were able to save all the victims. It was touch and go with the guy taken first, but the hospital staff seemed confident he'd pull through. 

 

They learned this on the news, of course, since they weren't anywhere around when the first paramedics arrived. Given how close a call it had been with the first victim making it, Dean was doubly glad they'd left Sally Mason to find her own way back home from the motel. If she hadn't been hiding out, they'd have gotten the Jinn a lot sooner. 

 

The next morning they had breakfast early and were back on the road. They didn't have a destination yet, they were just sick of the town they'd been in for so long. Sam called Bobby to see if he was hearing anything, but he said he was in the middle of something and would need to call them back. His tone of voice made the decision for them and Dean headed the Impala toward South Dakota.

 

It was hundreds of miles and two motels later by the time they arrived. They reached his house in the early morning, exhausted and strung out from the road. But they were glad they'd done it, when Bobby saw them on the doorstep and said, “Oh, thank God you idjits aren't as dumb as you look. Get in here and close the damn door!”

 

Before they could ask what was going on, he was hustling them toward the panic room. There were two other people inside already, neither of which the boys recognized. Bobby pulled them inside none too gently and locked the door behind them. Before they could ask questions, Bobby made quick introductions.

“Dean, Sam, this here's Nina and Rodrigo Sanchez. They're hunters, too. They were friends of your dad's, too, actually.”

 

Dean and Sam exchanged a look and Bobby looked suspiciously between the two, but before he could ask them anything, Nina stepped forward.

 

“Bobby, we need to tell them what's going on before it happens again.”

 

“Yeah. But you boys owe me an answer when I'm done.” Bobby then laid out for them what had been happening. Basically, the three of them had been looking into a series of deaths where all the victims were headless when found and they'd been attacked. “Damnedest things, boys. Lightening, out of nowhere. Never seen anything like it. Just bolts from the blue. The last victim was found in an auto shop, so we were all standing on this big rubber mat. Otherwise, we'd have been toast. Hell, it was close anyway, that shit could've arced to a toolbox if we'd been closer to one.” 

 

They'd left the shop and driven all night to reach Bobby's and there had been no further attacks while on the road. “We thought we lost whatever it was, but next thing I know, we get inside and the whole house is the center of a lightening storm. Glad I spent that extra cash on the lightening rod. Still, panic room's the safest place.”

 

Sam looked confused, but Dean looked angry. “Lemme guess, the heads weren't just missing, they were burned up?” He pursed his lips when a surprised Bobby nodded. “It's friggin' angels, Bobby.” Bobby started to speak, but Dean interrupted. “But wait, I don't get it. Why'd you pretend everything was peachy when we called?”

 

“Rod called another hunter we know,” Nina explained. “He asked him to come out and see if he could help. His car was struck by lightening less than 5 miles from his house. He wasn't as lucky as us.”

 

“Makes sense. Angels can read thoughts, zap from one place to another in a second. Dammit.”

 

“But what the hell makes you think it's angels, anyway? What do they have to do with headless corpses and why would they be after us?”

 

Dean sighed and ran his hands through his hair before linking his fingers on top of his head. “I'm guessing they burned out the eyes, then burned up the rest of the skull to cover their tracks. Angels can use lightening as a weapon when they need to.” He rubbed his hand over his mouth as he thought about how to answer the rest of the question without telling his surrogate father that he'd been naughty touched by an angel. “I don't know who the victims are, but there's a bit of a...skirmish going on upstairs. Cas got on the wrong side of it. I'm thinking it could be related. They're either coming after you because you were looking into it or because they know who you are.”

 

“Me? What have I got to do with some angel skirmish?”

 

“You're connected to me. They can't take me out, so they're trying to get at me some other way.”

 

“So what do _you_ have to do with an angel skirmish, Dean?”

 

Dean looked like a trapped animal. He wasn't afraid that Bobby would react the way his actual father had, but he wasn't anxious to pour out the sordid details to a room with strangers in it, either. Thankfully, Sam came to his rescue, pulling Bobby toward him to whisper in his ear.

 

“Bobby, we never got to tell you...Dad's back.”

 

“What? What do you mean “back”? Back as in _back_ back?” Dean rolled his eyes, but Sam stopped him from making a smartass comment with a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Yes, Bobby, back like Dean and I came back. It's got to do with whatever is going on up there.”

 

“Well, where is he? Why the hell ain't he with y'all?” Bobby looked back and forth between them. “Why the hell ain't he called me?”

 

“I don't know why he didn't call you, Bobby. He's not with us because he acted like a bag of dicks to Dean and we sent him packing. He's the wrong side's puppet in this and that's why he's here.”

 

“Well, _shit_.” Bobby said with feeling. He sat heavily and yanked off his cap, running hand over flattened hair. He hung his head for a moment before his head snapped up and his eyes bore into Dean. “You didn't say what you've got to do with this, boy.”

 

“Look, Bobby, not now, not...here,” Sam said, with a quick glance at Rod and Nina. “I can give you Dad's number and you can ask him why he hasn't called you. In the meantime, we've gotta figure out what to do about pissed off angels.”

 

Dean spoke up then. “Since they won't attack me, I'm gonna go out and call Cas, if I can reach him. I want to see if he knows if there's any way to ward people against angel mojo.” No one objected, so Dean walked out without looking back.

 

Once outside with the door locked, he leaned against the wall and blew out a breath. He hated everything about this situation. He didn't know what to do here. He wasn't even sure this was related to him and Cas, and he didn't wanna be arrogant, but he didn't know why else angels would be attacking Bobby. They probably needed to find out who those victims were to know for sure, but Dean hadn't asked outright and no one had volunteered. It was probably important.

 

He walked through the house, far away from the panic room. He didn't know if Cas would have any chance to reach him, but he thought he had to try. He was nervous and he didn't like it. He and Cas had been so easy together, it had been the most natural thing in the world before he disappeared. Hell, even the last time they'd seen each other. But now there were other angels trying to zap his family. He was a mess.

 

“Cas, if you aren't in the middle of fighting or running, I really need to see you. There're ange-”

 

“I'm here, Dean. What is it?”

Dean tried to ignore how it felt to see Cas, how beautiful he was, how happy he was just to lay eyes on him. He tried, but he failed. He still felt awkward and unhappy, but the sight of the angel soothed him somehow, anyway.

 

“Angels, Cas. They've killed some people and they've been trying to kill Bobby and a couple of other hunters.”

 

“What? That can't be! Are you sure?”

 

Dean ran down the facts for Cas. When he was done, the angel looked grim. He vanished and came back with Gabriel at his side.

 

“What the hell, little bro? Why're we back here?” Gabriel looked around. “And where the hell is here?”

 

So, Dean explained again and Gabriel was silent for a minute, pacing, fingers pressed together under his chin.

 

“Something is...something is off. This isn't about you two, can't be. This is something else.”

 

“So why go after Bobby?”

 

“Don't know, Dean-o.” He tapped his fingers on his bottom lip. “Something is definitely up that goes beyond a little angelic boinking. Lemme see what I can find out.”

 

With that he was gone. Cas looked pained.

 

“I know this isn't the time, but you should know, we finally spoke with Joshua today.”

 

“And?” Dean's heart thrummed faster and he felt like the air had left the room with Gabe.

 

“He hasn't heard from God in two Earth months. Joshua has no idea where he is and God's not making contact with him at all.”

 

Dean hesitated, but finally asked, “So...what does that mean...for us?” Whether this was the time or not, he really needed to know.

 

Cas sighed and turned away, staring out the window. “I don't know, Dean. I'm sorry.” He turned back toward Dean with sad expression. “I was still planning to go look for him when you called me. Now...this situation with angels attacking is more pressing, unfortunately.”

 

Dean may have known it to be true, but that didn't stop the irrational hurt. Tears sprang into his eyes and he gruffly cleared his throat and walked across the room.

 

“Dean...it isn't more important than you and me. Just more pressing.” He fisted his hands in his hair and made a frustrated “AH!” sound before he said, “I hate making you unhappy!”

 

Dean felt better and worse. Better because Cas had reinforced the idea that Dean mattered to him. Worse because he had made Cas feel guilty.

 

“It's okay, Cas. I'm okay. I know how things gotta be right now. I may not like it, but I accept it.”

 

Cas rewarded him with his half smile. It wasn't his favorite expression, but it was good enough. The best he'd had in days, in fact, and he returned the smile warmly. Then he realized they'd been so focused on the reasons behind the attacks that he hadn't asked Cas what they could do to protect Bobby and the other hunters from them.

 

“Is there anything we can do to make Bobby and the other two safe from the lightening?”

 

“There are ways. Most are not advisable. The best one doesn't involve anything evil, but it is very painful.”

 

“Let's go tell Bobby then.” He walked toward the panic room without looking back. Having Cas close but untouchable was harder on him than he expected. He needed a minute to himself. He knew he was wound too tight when he saw Cas, who had zapped and was waiting in front of the panic room, and jumped.

 

They called Bobby and the others out of the angel-protected room and discussed the best option. In the end, Cas performed the protection on them all, which involved inscribing a large sigil on each person's skull. There were several minutes of debate over whether the Winchester brothers would be getting the sigils, too, but in the end, Sam, Cas and Bobby won out over Dean's objections.

 

“Just because you think you're safe now doesn't mean they won't try to get you later, boy,” was the final pitch from Bobby. 

 

True to Cas' word, the procedure was incredibly painful and unlike some other mojo work, it was the kind of pain that lingered. As if sensing that Dean was still in a lot of pain, Cas touched his forehead with one finger and Dean felt the pain drop away. He looked at Cas gratefully, then glanced pointedly at the others. Cas took their pain as well.

 

There was still no sign of Gabriel and Dean could tell Cas was starting to get worried. He pulled Dean to the side and suggested he needed to go look for his brother. Dean hated the idea, but he knew it was what Cas had to do, both because it was the right thing and because Cas needed to know his brother was safe. He nodded, but pulled Cas in for a hug before the angel could vanish. Over Cas' shoulder he saw Bobby looking at him oddly, but he just closed his eyes and held on for another 10 seconds. Then Cas pulled away and was gone.

 

Dean waited for Bobby to ask uncomfortable questions, but he didn't. Nina and Rodrigo were talking about leaving and that occupied everyone's attention for several tense minutes. They wanted to move on and they felt like they weren't really connected to the case the way Bobby was. In the end, Bobby couldn't convince them to stay and both Winchesters thought that was for the best. 

 

When the Sanchez couple was gone, Bobby sat down behind his desk, looking dead tired. He poured himself a shot of hunter's helper and offered the bottle across to Dean. To their surprise, Sam took the bottle and poured himself a drink. He drank, of course, but rarely in the middle of the day unless they were celebrating. He passed the bottle to his brother with raised eyebrows, daring him to say something. Dean and Bobby stayed silent.

 

When Sam had downed his drink, Bobby said, “Hey, Sam, can you go down to the basement, grab me the big black case that's under the stairs? It's got some weapons in it we might need.”

 

“Sure thing, Bobby.”

 

When he had gone, Bobby looked at Dean in a way that made Dean very uncomfortable. He didn't let himself drop his eyes, but he really, really wanted to look away. Bobby didn't even break eye contact as he poured them each another drink. When they could hear Sam's boots clomping down the stairs, Bobby finally spoke.

 

“Now, Dean, you know you're like family to me.”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

“Don't 'yes, sir', me, boy, I'm _talking_.” Dean looked like a twelve year old being scolded and Bobby's look softened. “Look, you and your brother are like the sons I never had...” Dean didn't like the sentimental look on Bobby's face. It might make him cry. As if realizing, Bobby added with a smirk, “Had or _wanted_ ,”  sounding more like himself. Dean only nodded, unsure where this was going.

 

Bobby took a long drink and Dean did the same. When Bobby put his empty glass down, he said, “The way I feel about you boys...it ain't gonna change. Known you too long and been through too much.” He looked at Dean to see if he was following so far and Dean nodded again. “So, if there's something you need to tell me? You just go on and tell me. Coz I can tell you in advance, you're still family.”

 

“I'm in love with Cas.” Dean's face registered 100 times more shock than Bobby's. He hadn't planned on saying anything at all. He had thought, maybe, he might drop hints, but to just blurt it out like that? Where did that come from? Hell, had he even told Sam that plainly? Adrenaline had rushed through him when the words came out and it left him chilled and shaky.

 

After a beat, Bobby said, “I thought it might be something like that.” He poured them each one more small drink. “I've wondered a few times since Cas showed up, actually. But when I saw you hug him today, I was pretty sure. Especially after all this business with the angels you didn't wanna talk about.”

 

“They kidnapped him, Bobby. Tried to brainwash him. Cause of me. Cause of...us.”

 

“Shit. Those sons of bitches.”

 

“Yeah. Gabriel doesn't think this is about that, though. He doesn't know what it's abo-”

“I don't find any black case, Bobby. I looked all over.”

 

“Well, of course not, you idjit, I needed time alone with your brother.”

 

Sam made his bitchface and Bobby laughed at him. “Have another drink, Sam. You earned it.”

 

“So I take it you two have had the talk?” Sam asked with a smirk. “The Cas talk?”

 

“Bitch.”

 

“Jerk.”

 

“Idjits. Yes, we had the talk. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that this is why you boys don't know where your father is right now.”

 

“Yup,” Dean said with a faint scowl. Sam's face was equally unhappy.

 

“John Winchester always was one hard-headed son of a bitch. I suspect that's where you two get it.”

 

Dean laughed. “I don't know about that. From what I can tell, Mom was pretty damn stubborn herself.”

 

“Well, for what it's worth, I'm sorry he's making this all harder on you boys.” He held up a hand to stay Dean's protest. “I'm not apologizing for him. I'm saying I wish it wasn't like that.” Both Winchesters nodded.

 

They didn't know what to do until Cas and Gabe returned, so they helped Bobby with chores around the place. Dean gave the Impala an oil change when Bobby ran out of busy work for a few minutes. Then he decided she probably needed new tires, so he got some from Bobby's garage and went to work on that. When he was done, he cleaned her up, inside and out.

 

“You really love that vehicle, don't you?” Cas asked from behind him. He was too close and not close enough. Dean turned around and took a small step back. Cas made a hurt face that said he noticed, but he didn't say anything.

 

“She's my baby. We've been through a hell of a lot together.”

 

Cas stared off into the distance. “And what if...what if you couldn't drive her anymore? If all you could do was look at her? Would you still love her?”

 

Dean supposed subtlety wasn't an angel strong suit, but the question caught him off guard. He thought they'd been over this already.

 

“Cas, I didn't want to have sex with you to begin with,” Dean started. He didn't like how he'd worded it, but he didn't know how else to say it. “Turns out I liked it, but I can live without it.”

 

Before he could continue, Cas broke in, “I was just talking about the car.” Cas' eyes wouldn't meet his, though.

 

“No, you weren't. Hey,” he said, tipping Cas' chin toward him with a gentle finger. “It's okay to ask me things outright. It's okay, Cas.” When Cas still wouldn't look at him, he dipped his head down until Cas had no choice. “Do you really think I won't love you anymore? Didn't I ask you not to leave me, even if we couldn't touch?”

 

“Yes,” Cas said, hope springing back into his eyes. “Yes, you did, Of course you did.” He shook his head as if clearing it. “I'm sorry. It's been a rough few days. May I-” instead of finishing his question he grabbed Dean in a tight hug, tighter even than the one Dean had given him earlier. Dean hugged back with equal strength.

 

“Anytime you need it, man,” Dean said quietly, his voice husky with emotion. He felt a thumb caress his neck and pretended he didn't, afraid to break the spell. It was the best thing he'd felt in weeks, even better than the dreams because it was really happening. It might be the best he ever got again. And he could live with that, he _could_.

 

When they finally broke apart, Dean coughed to regain his composure, then asked about Gabriel.

 

“He's still gathering intel, but what he believes is that the victims were a group of devout people who were trying to stop another group from trying to restart the Apocalypse. He thinks there are some angels who have turned and are working for Lucifer now.” His face was a mask of misery and disgust.

 

“Bastards!”

 

“I don't know what's happened, Dean. I don't know where my father is or why the angels of heaven are turning on what's good. It's even worse than before, worse than when they tried to make you Michael's vessel.” He was uncharacteristically fidgety, which Dean found unnerving. Cas kept pacing, moving his hands. It was a testament to how upset he was. 

 

“This isn't just about fate, this is...a darkness. Uriel went bad, did terrible things, I know, but it started as something else. Even Zachariah thought he was doing what was best for heaven. But this...This is utterly bad and there's nothing to justify it. They're going against fate and the things we were taught.” He shook his head again, as if wanting to deny the truth he knew. “They aren't just making poor judgment calls. They are actively choosing evil.”

 

Dean squeezed his shoulder, not knowing how else to comfort him. He knew better than most just how it felt to have a brother choosing evil. Castiel might not be quite as close to his brothers, but they were still his brothers. Cas covered Dean's hand with his own and stroked it absently, seemingly unaware he was doing it. His gaze remained fixed on a point far away.

 

“I hope Gabby comes back soon with some news.”

 

Dean's stomach growled loudly and broke some of the tension. Cas even gave a ghost of his half smile. They went inside the house in search of something for Dean to eat. Bobby had started lunch while Dean was busy with the Impala, so it was ready when they walked inside.

 

“Your stomach's got impeccable timing as always, kid. Hey there, Cas,” Bobby said as he laid out plates on the table. “I made your favorite, Dean.”

 

“Lasagna?” Dean's face lit up like a child's and it earned him a smile from Cas that was almost full wattage. Bobby noticed both expressions and he smiled to himself as he turned away.

 

“You have some other favorite besides pie? I got pie, too. My wife's recipe, actually.”

 

“You baked a _pie_?” Dean looked like Bobby had just said he'd built his own spaceship. 

 

“Not today, moron. I bake 'em up sometimes, stick 'em in the freezer.”

 

“What's with all the fancy fixins there, Robert?” Dean asked suspiciously. 

 

“Maybe I just felt like doing something nice for you, Dean. I can understand why that might not have occurred to you, but it happens to be the truth.”

 

Dean didn't know what to say. He had something in his throat and his eye. So he shuffled around, looking at the floor. He blinked a lot and asked Bobby gruffly if he'd caught the score for the game. Bobby rolled his eyes and told him to shut up.

 

To Cas, Bobby said, “What the hell do you see in this idjit, anyway?”

 

“Everything,” Cas replied with his half smile.

 

The look on Bobby's face told Dean his question had been a test and Cas had passed. He was pleased and embarrassed and he didn't know what to do, so he just threw his arms around Bobby and hugged him. He didn't feel comfortable with all the chick flick moments, so when Sam walked in, he acted like he was going to turn the hug into a kiss. Bobby shoved him away, calling him an ass, but when he heard Cas and Sam laugh, he knew he'd done the right thing, silly as it was. 

  
He looked around the room at the faces there and felt love overwhelm him. This was his family. These were the three people in the world he cared most about. And they all felt the same way about him. It wasn't something his life had prepared him to handle. It made him happy and scared at the same time. He didn't mind the scared right then. He was grateful to have this moment and being scared was making him drink in every detail. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get sweet, then they get sexy, then they get sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little bit longer than the previous two. 
> 
> Two more chapters left!

**In Sickness and In Health**

 

Later that night, Dean was lying in bed with his hands clasped behind his head. He thought back over the day and how great it had been. Sure, angels were apparently going evil and killing people to help the devil, but in his immediate family life, things had been pretty freaking great. 

 

It was good already by the time Sam and Cas were laughing at him pretending to kiss Bobby. It got even better once Cas said he wanted to eat with them. They were all surprised, but no one questioned his decision. Dean for one was more than happy to break bread with Cas. He had hoped nothing would interrupt, not even Gabriel with good news because he had found he suddenly wanted a normal family meal more than anything.

 

When everyone had a plate, Dean's first question had been what kind of pie they were having for dessert. Sam laughed and rolled his eyes. Bobby refused to tell him, but halfway through the meal he had smelled the cinnamon and apples as it heated up in the oven. He had smiled broadly enough around his last bite of lasagna that everyone noticed and wanted to know why.

 

“It's even my favorite pie,” he said, smirking just a little. He couldn't help it. He felt a little smug, knowing he had these people, that Bobby had done this meal for him. For the first time, he thought maybe there might be something good to him, after all. His smirk returned now, as he lay staring up at the ceiling.

 

“It was a fucking good day today,” he told the empty room. Cas was currently off looking for Gabe to see if there was any news, but Dean hoped he'd be back before he had to go to sleep. He wanted one more moment of goodness before the day ended, if he could get it. He wasn't trying to be greedy, he appreciated every second of today, but he knew he might not get another day like it for a long time. Maybe not ever. The life of a hunter was unpredictable for the most part, but it could usually be counted on not to be great. So he figured he couldn't be blamed for hoping that a good day would be maxed out on good when it came.

 

He thought about how after lunch had been great, too. Since they couldn't fight the angels for the moment, there had been no immediate threat. There were no monsters to defend against or action to be taken, so they'd had some down time. They'd used it well, Dean thought.

 

After everyone had stuffed themselves on lasagna and pie – even Cas, though his just mojoed away – they retired to the den, where everyone just sort of sprawled out. Again, except for Cas. He just sat, but he sat right next to Dean and he hadn't held himself as stiff as he once would have.

 

Bobby started telling a story from the boys' past. It was a big hit and soon the would-be father and his surrogate sons were reminiscing and taking turns trying to make Cas laugh at some ridiculous antic from the the Winchesters' childhood and beyond. One story had particularly embarrassed Dean and Cas had taken his hand like it was the most normal thing in the world. 

 

Dean had only been grateful for the support at the time, but now he almost cried thinking about it. Cas had been kidnapped and shamed for weeks by his brothers for getting physical with Dean, but when Dean needed physical comfort, Cas gave it without hesitation. To Dean that was huge, that was everything that mattered.

 

 _When Bobby asked what he saw in me, Cas said he saw everything_ , Dean thought with wonder. He curled the memory inside him, tucking it safely into his heart so it couldn't be taken from him.

 

When story time was over, they had burgers for dinner – which were Dean's favorite everywhere but Bobby's where they came in second – and Cas joined in again. Afterward, Dean had gotten to watch another movie with Cas, an old Clint Eastwood classic. Sam teased him over his “western fetish”, as usual, but Dean didn't mind. He'd had an awkward moment when he started picturing Cas in a cowboy outfit, though. Thank Cas' dad that Bobby was girly enough to have throw pillows because it meant Dean had been able to cover his lap. 

 

There had been good-natured ribbing thrown around throughout the movie. Cas not only received his share of teasing, but he had given almost as good as he had gotten. When Castiel had teased Sam about how gassy he was, Dean had laughed so hard tears came out of his eyes. Bobby hadn't been far behind - and he almost never laughed, in Dean's experience. 

 

After the movie, though, when Gabriel still hadn't shown up, Dean knew play time was over. They said goodnight to Bobby and Sam with promises to wake them if Gabriel brought news. Then they came upstairs so that Cas could tell Dean what he already knew: Cas planned to go after Gabe to see what was taking so long.

 

Dean wanted Cas to come back very soon, but he was still high on the day for the moment. He couldn't believe his good fortune and he would be satisfied even if Cas didn't get back tonight. Disappointed, sure, but still happy and fulfilled in a way he was not used to feeling. As he drifted off to sleep, he had a smile on his face.

 

He didn't know if it was hours or minutes later, but he knew the instant Cas came back into the room. He jolted up in bed and found Cas was sitting on the edge, down near his knees. He looked tired, but he was smiling.

 

“So what's the news?” Dean asked, rubbing an eye.

 

“Gabriel thinks he knows what's happening, but he hasn't told me yet. He says he'll come back here in the morning and tell us everything.”

 

“Alright, I guess we hope for the best, right?” He tried not to notice Cas trying not to notice that he had gone to bed with no shirt on.

 

“It really was a...fucking...good day today, Dean.”

 

Dean's eyes flew to Castiel's. “You been eavesdropping on me again, man?”

 

“I'm sorry, Dean. I know I shouldn't. I just enjoyed our day very much. Not just with you, but with Bobby and Sam, also. So I couldn't stop thinking about you while I was away, wanting to know if you enjoyed the day as much as I did.” His smile was equal parts chagrin and mischief. Sorry he'd done what he shouldn't, but pleased with himself because of what he had learned from it. “It made me very happy to hear you say what a good day it was for you, too.”

 

“Dude, today was awesome,” Dean said, nodding vigorously. “Okay? Just...off the charts. I can't remember a better one, to be honest. There probably have been, but nothing springs to mind.”

 

“Even better than our...” Cas hesitated. “Our...sex marathon?” he asked slowly, as if unsure of the words.

 

Dean laughed. “Yes, man. Even better than the sex marathon.” He considered. “Not that that wasn’t pretty awesome, too. I mean, it's the one thing that could make this day better, but today was incredible in a totally different way.” He paused, searching for the right words. “I've had...well, I've had plenty of sex. I haven't had plenty of days like today.”

 

“You say today makes you happy, but I can tell you are also sad because of today. How is that possible?”

 

Dean explained how a hunter's life meant good days were few and far and that a hunter had to take all the good he could whenever he could, to save for a rainy day. Cas was a little confused by the details, but he seemed to understand the significance of milking the best out of a good day.

 

“It's like pie. I love it. I get it when I can, but more often than not, I don't get to have any. When I finally get a slice, I savor every bite of it. So I burn it into my memory - and that helps gets me through all the days without it.”

 

“So, if I understand you correctly...having one good day...that helps you feel better when you have many bad ones?” Dean nodded. “And when you know you will have to do without...pie...it helps if you get to indulge before you have to do without?”

 

“Cas, are we still talking about pie?” Dean didn't dare get his hopes up, but he couldn't help the quickening of his pulse.

 

Cas looked him in the eye before shaking his head no. The hunter's heart was racing now, his breathing shallow. “I am trying to ask you if having sex now would help you through not having sex later.” 

 

Dean's mouth went dry. He hadn't dared hope for this, but now Cas was offering it. He didn't know if it was the right thing. Maybe he should turn Cas down, maybe that was for the best, but he couldn't. He had faced the possibility he might never get this chance again, but here it was and yeah. Yeah, it would help later.

 

“Ye-yeah. Yes, Cas, please. One more time. Make this day perfect.”

 

Cas was moving before Dean finished his sentence, kissing the hunter so quickly he captured the 't' sound of 'perfect' in his mouth. Dean didn't even have a chance to close his eyes before Cas' tongue swept between his lips and across his own. Cas had a fistful of Dean's hair in each of his hands, though he wasn't pulling enough to hurt. Each one kissed the other as though he were the only source of oxygen in the room. This lasted for several minutes and Dean knew that he would probably miss this most of all. He lost himself completely in the moment. So much so that when Cas pulled away, Dean was so far gone he'd forgotten where he was.

 

“How do you want this to be, Dean?”

 

“Huh?” Dean knew he sounded, and probably looked, stupid, but he couldn't make his brain work. Cas' words made no sense to him.

 

Cas stroked his face and made eye contact until Dean's head cleared.

 

“In case we can't do this again, I want it to be the best it can be for you, Dean. I want it to be exactly the way you want it.”

 

Dean honestly didn't know if it was the most endearing statement he'd ever heard or the sexiest. He thought it might be both and it left him speechless. Instead of speaking, he captured Cas' face in his hands, stroking his thumbs over his cheeks as he kissed him, first on the forehead, then the nose. He followed these with a kiss on each eyelid and then a firm but chaste kiss on the mouth. He finished by trailing kisses against the firm line of the angel's jaw. 

 

"Cas, having you in my bed is all I need for this to be perfect." He pressed a finger to Castiel's lips to silence a protest. "All I need is to have you, naked and wanting me as much as I want you. All the rest is just details, man."

 

To illustrate his point, he started undressing Cas little by little, kissing every inch of skin as it was exposed. The little moans and whimpers of pleasure Cas was making, combined with the feel of his hot skin against Dean's lips, left the hunter's cock aching inside his jeans. 

 

He pressed Cas backward onto the bed and straddled his legs. Only Castiel's pants remained now, but he made no move for them. Instead he fully explored the naked torso in front of him with his mouth and fingers. He smiled at the small mole above Cas' right nipple. Then he lavished attention on Cas' nipples until the angel could only make a high pitched keening sound. He flicked his tongue in the hollow at the base of Castiel's throat, then down the line between his pecks and into his navel. 

 

When Dean's tongue traced a straight line down from his belly button, Cas finally began to unravel. When the tip dipped just below the edge of his trousers, it ripped a hoarse and needy "please" from the angel's throat. 

 

Dean leaned forward then, flattening himself against the length of Castiel's body, supported only by his arms. He took Cas in a deep kiss as he began rocking his hips, rubbing his crotch against his lover's. 

 

He pulled out of the kiss, but kept up the movement of his hips, staring deeply into impossibly blue eyes as he did so. He saw that there was a sheen of tears forming in those eyes and he stopped, concerned. 

 

"No, Dean, don't stop," Cas whispered. "I'm just so happy and I love you so much." He pulled Dean's face back down to his and began thrusting upward. 

 

Cas took his hands from Dean's face and stroked them down his back until he reached the perfect swell of Dean's ass. His fingers pressed into the denim and flesh he found, gripping and kneading and their pelvises rocked together. 

 

Dean's hands continued roaming over Cas' upper body. Stroking his arms, his sides and anything else he could reach to touch. He tried to memorize every millimeter as his fingertips passed over it. He tried to sear every sensation into his brain. But after only a short time, the feeling of their cocks striking each other was all he knew. 

 

He had been deprived of real sex for weeks, and his self-service fantasies during that time had consisted primarily of situations nearly identical to the one he was experiencing. Because of this, it was only a few minutes before he felt himself on the verge of cumming. 

 

He never considered stopping, but he did attempt to slow down. Cas' hands on his ass wouldn't allow it and Cas' thrusting hips were even more relentless once he tried. Then Cas told him to cum for him and he was lost. He came hard, yelling a muffled version of Cas into the side of his lover's neck and shaking from head to toe. 

 

"Wanted...to be...inside you...again," he said in between ragged breaths. 

 

"You will be. We've got all night. Whatever you want." Cas punctuated each sentence with kisses on Dean's face. 

 

Dean fought the urge to collapse and instead climbed off the bed. Cas started to protest until he saw Dean removing his jeans and underwear. Cas followed his lead and undressed himself the rest of the way. It still wasn't a movement with which the angel was familiar and Dean watched, fascinated on many levels. 

 

Dean swept his eyes over the full length of Cas' naked form, enthralled. He took in the broad shoulders and defined arms. His eyes raked over a lithe, flat belly and perfect hips. He saw how Cas' erect cock stood not quite straight, a few inches above his belly, leaning slightly down over his stomach and to the right, away from Dean. Below that he saw long sculpted legs. It was hard for the hunter to believe any of this had ever frightened him. All he saw now was beauty. Every inch a masterpiece. 

 

His voice caught in his throat as he said, "Damn, you're beautiful, Cas. So beautiful." He earned himself the best smile yet from Cas, one which made his statement all the more true. 

 

He pressed kisses on the tops of Cas' feet, followed by his ankles, shins and knees. When he reached Cas' thighs he found to his delight that the angel was apparently ticklish there. He took full advantage for a moment, basking in the sound of Cas' breathless laughter as though it were sunshine. 

 

Showing mercy at last, he used his fingers to rub firmly against Cas' thighs to make them less sensitive. It worked a little, but Cas continued to laugh, so he stopped doing anything. Instead he pressed a hand flat on each thigh and brought his face down to meet Cas' flagging erection. 

 

When he saw it stand up straighter simply because he was close to it, his own gave an answering twitch. He flicked his tongue against the base of Cas' dick and his gasp got Dean even harder. He didn't feel like teasing anymore, though. So he simply licked the cock enough to wet it and then wrapped his lips around it. 

 

He slid his mouth down the length of the shaft until it hit the back of his throat. He sucked as he slid off, then took it all in his mouth again, this time letting it move past into his throat. A few repetitions of this and Cas was already on the verge of cumming. 

 

Dean paused with his mouth on the head and slid his hand over to cup Cas' balls, gently tugging downward. He moved the tip of his tongue against the underside of the head and Cas moaned loudly. He took his mouth off to caution Cas to be quiet, even though he loved hearing the sounds he made. The last thing he needed was for Bobby or Sam to hear them. 

 

"I soundproofed the room when I got here," Cas said gruffly, arching his pelvis up toward Dean's face. "Pleeeaaase," he begged, almost whining. 

 

Dean swallowed him down in one motion, then sucked very hard as he pulled off again. The moan he got this time was higher and more out of control. He repeated the process, gaining speed and adding pulsing squeezes against Cas' balls. He felt them start to contract and he began moving in earnest, sucking and licking and squeezing until Cas cried out. 

 

Cas' voice was even deeper than normal as he said, "Oh, fuck, Dean, FUCK!" and shot warm fat drops of semen onto Dean's tongue. 

 

Dean swallowed reflexively and then slid up on the bed, gathering Cas into his arms and pulling him onto his side so they were facing each other. He wrapped one leg behind Cas' ass to pull him closer. He kissed him deeply and stroked his back. 

 

Dean thought they would rest a while like that, but Cas pulled back after a minute, panting, “Get me...ready, Dean. Ready...for you.” Dean had to search through his bags for several agonizing minutes to find what he needed, but he tried to comply as fast as he could. After finding the bottle, he dimmed the lamp until it was as soft as candle light, leaving them in near-darkness.

 

By the time he returned to the bed, the post-orgasmic haze had left Cas' eyes, but they were no less tender. Those eyes watched him with such intensity that he halted in his mission and moved back up for another kiss. As the kiss deepened and heated up, he slid his hand down and over the highest curve of Cas' ass. He traced his fingers lightly between the cheeks and kneaded the muscled flesh gently. When his fingertips brushed the rim of his opening, Cas' body jerked a bit.

 

Taking his time, continuing the kiss, Dean used the lube to prepare Cas as tenderly as he could. He didn't want to rush, didn't want this night to be anything but wonderful for them both. Even after he thought Cas was probably ready, he made no immediate move to get started. He continued stroking with his fingers, probing Cas' mouth with his tongue, savoring everything.

 

Cas' hand wrapped around his cock and began lightly sliding up and down it. The gentle friction was sweet torture, but Cas did not increase the pressure. He, too, seemed to be taking his time and savoring sensations. Dean was happy to continue in this languid state of mutual heavy petting, up until the moment that Cas' thumb swept a drop of precum over the head of his cock. At the same time, the hand around his dick tightened and began to stroke with real intent. Dean stilled the hand.

 

“No, I want it...to last when I'm...inside you,” he gasped out. He knew that he'd already had an orgasm and technically should be able to last, anyway, but with Cas he seemed to have little control, regardless. 

 

He pressed Cas onto his back, but turned his legs to the side and knelt between them. He lifted Cas' top leg so that it lay across him diagonally, the knee over his shoulder. He leaned forward over Cas, trapping the leg between their chests, spreading him open. With one hand on Cas' shoulder and the other on himself, he lined up the head of his cock with Cas' ass. He let go of his cock and wrapped that hand around Cas' thigh. Then he slid slowly into him, stopping to enjoy every centimeter fully before adding another.

 

He was most of the way in when he hit the sweet spot and Cas' eyes went wide as he groaned and jerked slightly. Dean pulled back and rocked forward, this time sliding all the way inside. He angled his hips so that he hit that magic button over and over, leaving Cas gasping for breath as his own pleasure mounted.

 

His fingers gripped Cas' shoulders as he moved. Sweat was beading up all over his face and torso. He tipped his head down and took Cas mouth in a kiss as he rocked faster. He knew it wouldn't be long now, so he slowed down again. He pulled Cas' bottom lip between his teeth and sucked softly before letting it go. Dean stared down into his lover's eyes as he thrust into him, trying to convey all that he felt, with the power and intensity of his gaze, but he couldn't quite do it.

 

Dean's eyes were wet as he stopped holding himself back. He drove forward in a faster rhythm now, as Cas hands dug into his back.

 

“Love you,” he whispered, his voice husky and raw. “Love you so much.”

 

“Love _you_ , Dean,” Cas responded with equal force. “Love _you_.” Amazingly, though he had been last to have an orgasm and his cock was not even being touched, Cas started to cum again on the last 'you'. Instead of just groaning or calling Dean's name, he just repeated “Love _you_!” over and over into the dark. His passion took him over so completely that he made the lamp's light bulb explode. His head snapped forward and then fell back, as cum pooled on his belly.

 

Dean's eyes were wide with wonder. He kissed Cas again and then lifted himself up for better leverage. He lost all control as he gave himself over to all the feelings, physical and emotional. He thought he might be crying, but he also heard himself laugh. All he really knew was the feeling of Cas around him and under him, taking his cock, stroking his back, calling his name.

 

He was shocked by the force of his orgasm when it came. It swept through him with such intensity he felt like his very heart and soul were being forced out through his cock and into Cas as he came. It seemed to last for several minutes, though Dean knew that was impossible. When it was over, he collapsed, trying to roll off of Cas first, but only halfway making it.

 

As they lay there in the dark, holding on tightly to one another, Dean turned Cas' face up to his. Pressing a firm kiss onto his forehead, he said, “You're my beautiful angel.” Brushing the pad of his thumb over Castiel's lips, he told him, “Tonight means so much to me. Tonight was incredible. You, you are incredible.”

 

“Not over,” Cas mumbled sleepily. He didn't sleep, but post-orgasm he was just as groggy as a normal man. “Still want to be...side you, too.” Dean smiled in the dark.

 

**Afterglow**

 

They got up early and got dressed quickly, not wanting Gabriel to surprise them in bed. Neither wanted to leave each other's arms, but it was the way it had to be. After putting on their pants, they lingered on a last embrace before they put on their shirts, and kissed one last incredible kiss.

 

Dean had tears in his eyes as he said, “Thank you, Cas.”

 

Cas laughed, a bit uncomfortably. “For last night?” he asked.

 

“For everything.” Cas' eyes softened and he gave Dean the smile that the hunter wished he could see every moment for the rest of his life. Dean stroked Cas' cheek with the backs of his fingers and Cas clutched at his wrist.

 

He watched as Cas pulled on his shirt, feeling more than a bit of sadness as the mole on his chest disappeared from view. He didn't know if he'd ever see it again. He tried not to think about it. He pulled on his own shirt and made a mental note to replace the light bulb. He smiled a little at that and then they were headed downstairs. 

 

It was only after Bobby and Sam had been smirking and making thinly veiled double entendres over breakfast that Dean realized he'd left a small hickey on Cas' neck, above where his shirt collar reached. He tried not to stare at it for the rest of the meal, but it may as well have been a flashing neon sign. Over and over his eyes were drawn to it. He was so distracted he didn't even get upset at all the teasing he was getting. This annoyed Bobby and Sam so much that they actually stopped teasing. 

 

Cas just sat there the whole time, not eating and looking very confused. When the meal was over, Dean took him aside and explained about the hickey. He rubbed his thumb over it before he could stop himself, then jerked his hand away with a mumbled “Sorry” that he didn't really mean. He was glad he'd done it, especially after he watched it disappear when Cas mojoed it away. As if knowing how much it pained him to see it go, Cas gave him a small smile and comforting squeeze on the shoulder.

 

Just after he dropped his hand, Gabe appeared. He was unusually subdued and neither Dean nor Cas liked what that might mean. Gabriel waited until Bobby and Sam were in the room before explaining what he had learned.

 

“I've got a kind of good news, bad news, worse news situation. I'm going in that order.” He paced around as usual, but with much less bounce in his step. He was clearly upset and Dean could only dread what he might say.

 

“The good news is that angels aren't just going rogue and killing people. They've been infected with something.” He held up a hand to silence questions. “The demons basically came up with an angel version of the Croatoan virus.” He allowed a moment of shocked silence before he went on. “The bad news is, that's not why Cas was kidnapped. Those assholes were _not_ infected and still aren't.” He cast apologetic eyes at his brother, who met his gaze, but then dropped his eyes to the floor.

 

“The worse news is that I have no idea how the demons are doing it or whether or not we can cure it. Since the human Croatoa was incurable, it's definitely possible that the angel version is, too, but since it's angels, who knows? Maybe those of us who aren't infected can heal them like we do any other injuries and illnesses. We never tried it on Croatoans. Never really had a chance.”

 

“Well, if we don't know how they're doing it, I guess we better get on it and find out,” Bobby said, standing up to go grab a book. 

 

Sam asked, “Can you grab an infected angel? Test your mojo on him?”

 

“Cassie, you up for it? It'll probably take both of us.”

 

“Of course.”

 

“You three let us know if you find anything. We'll be back when we can.” With that, they were gone with a faint rustle.

 

**A Way Forward**

 

After a couple of days, Bobby was able to find out how the demons might be getting to the angels. He started looking for the signs and they located a potential infection-in-waiting. Once they had saved the angel and exorcised the demon, Dean called Cas and let him know what they knew. Cas confirmed that the infection could be healed by angel mojo. Soon after, Dean started getting regular reports from the angel-curing front, every couple of days. 

 

Things were slightly awkward whenever he saw Cas, but he never got to see him for more than a few minutes, so he didn't have much time to worry about it. He was so busy hunting demons all day – and so exhausted from it at night – that he really didn't have time to think much about Cas at all, unless he was in the room with him.

 

It was several weeks before they had finished off all the demons that were involved. They were still no closer to a full answer about how it got started, but they'd rounded up all traces of the infection and destroyed it. The demons might start up again as soon as one of them could get back from hell, but the Apocalypse had been thwarted again, so Dean definitely counted all their work as a win.

 

The rogue angels who were not infected had thankfully made no further move against either Dean or Cas. Bobby had talked to John several times, so it seemed he was being left alive, in spite of having failed in his mission. Dean was okay with that, but he wasn't interested in trying to get his father to see his side of things. If John came to him with a sincere apology, they would see, but until then, to Dean, John remained no more in reach than when he was dead.

 

When Cas and Gabriel had cured all the angels and all the virus-related demons had been sent black-clouding back to hell, Cas returned to hunting with the boys. Dean had started renting a single room again even before he came back to save money, but he kept on doing it, to help them stay away from temptation. No way was he going to start anything with his brother a few feet away. 

 

The three of them spent lots of non-hunting hours watching tv together and catching Cas up on movies. Dean enjoyed those times almost as much as that one day at Bobby's, but the lack of touching was a strain. Cas was enjoying himself and had really started to relax for the first time since he'd been taken. He thought Sam was enjoying their routine, too. However, after a few weeks, Sam insisted on going back to two rooms.

 

“Look, dude, I got used to having my space. We can still hang out and everything, just, I gotta have some quiet, too.”

 

If Dean was honest, he felt the same way. The problem was that it made things with Cas a lot trickier. One night when Sam wanted some time alone, they were watching a movie together and there was something in it that reminded Dean of his mother. When the movie ended, he started telling Cas a story about the Mary Winchester he had known as a young boy.

 

“I cannot understand what it was like to have a mother. But it sounds wonderful. It must have been very painful to lose her, Dean. Especially in the way that you did.”

 

Cas was moved by Dean's story and pain. Dean was moved by Cas' compassion and obvious concern. They looked into each other's eyes, one wanting to give comfort and the other wanting to take comfort. They had moved very close without thinking. As the gaze lingered, they both became aware of how close their mouths were. Breath mingled in the air between them. Both wanted to lean in. Slowly, both heads came forward. An inch, two. 

 

At the last second, both of them jerked backward and scooted away from each other. It hurt. Dean could see that it was as painful for Cas as it was for him. He wanted to reach out, provide a platonic touch, since he couldn't give him anything else, but fear stilled his hand. Cas might not want it – or it might just make it all worse and end up not platonic at all.

 

Dean couldn't help thinking that they'd gone backwards. Before they started their relationship there had been none of this almost-kissing. There was more sexual tension now than ever before and he was going crazy. Because he knew now exactly what he was missing, he no longer had to imagine, and that made him want it even more. As he often did these days, he excused himself to go take a shower. 

 

Self-service didn't give him the satisfaction, but at least it took the edge off the need, so that he could be around Cas for a reasonable amount of time without wanting to jump him. He felt guilty because he knew Cas had no such outlet. He seriously doubted that self-love was any more popular with those angel bastards than Dean-love.

 

He soaped himself all over before ever placing a hand on his cock. All he had to do was picture Cas' face and what he'd do to him if he could touch him and within two minutes he was finished. He no longer tried to make it last. It hurt him to drag it out. It was never as good as the real thing and he always felt disappointed when he held out for an inferior orgasm.

 

As he rinsed off, Dean realized had no idea how Cas spent his time while Dean was asleep, but Cas always disappeared before he got in bed. Sometimes there were goodnight hugs, but often they avoided them, especially if there had been moments like tonight. He decided that when he was done showering, he would ask and see if he got an answer.

 

He dried off and threw on a t-shirt and shorts. He missed wearing boxer briefs around at night, but he did what he could to ease the tension. When he opened the door, he heard Cas talking and froze. He checked the vanity mirror and saw that Cas was on his knees facing the window and his head was bowed. The angel was praying. Dean didn't mean to eavesdrop, but he didn't know what to do. Cas was praying for answers about his relationship with Dean and asked for strength resisting his sexual impulses, if the other angels were right about their physical relationship. Dean was beyond embarrassed at overhearing such a personal prayer.

 

He finally realized he had left the exhaust fan on and assumed that was why Cas had not realized he had come out. He stepped back into the bathroom and pulled the door to. He turned off the fan and opened the door as loudly as he could without being obnoxious about it. When Dean looked this time, Cas was standing facing him.

 

Dean tried a small smile. Cas returned it, but his smile was sad when it came and nothing like the toothy joyous grin Dean had so grown to love. Dean tossed his dirty clothes into the collapsible hamper in the corner and ran a comb through his hair.

 

“So, uh, you gonna stick around a while tonight? Or should I just go to bed?”

 

“I usually stay until you're ready for bed, don't I?” Cas asked, head tilted in the same old way. “Do you wish me to go?” When things were uncomfortable between them, Cas speech often became even more formal and it drove Dean crazy.

 

“No, Cas. I was just wondering.” He hesitated, but pressed forward. “Where do you go, anyway?”

 

Cas seemed surprised by the question. It was a moment before he responded, as if he was weighing how much to say. “It depends. I go many places. Sometimes I go to hospitals and sit with the sick.”

 

“Do you ever heal anyone?”

 

Cas nodded. “Occasionally, I will save one that I feel is extraordinarily deserving. You would probably save more of them, but then again, I can see a larger picture.” He nodded to himself. “Anyway, last night, I saved a girl with a younger sister. The younger sister needed the guidance of the older sister in order to have a good life.” He ducked his head as though embarrassed. “They reminded me of you and Sam, actually.” He smile this time was more sheepish than sad.

 

Touched, Dean asked, “Where else do you go?” 

 

“I like to travel sometimes, to other parts of the world. I like to look at all my father's creations. Mountains, animals, waterfalls...it all soothes me when my heart is heavy.”

 

Knowing that Cas' heart was heavy made his own seem to weigh that much more. Dean asked why Cas' heart was heavy, but he only got that sad smile again and a shake of Cas' head. He allowed Dean to give him a hug, but his response was stiff and awkward. Dean was almost glad when he was gone...until he climbed into the empty bed.

 

The next night, Dean asked Cas to take him to another country. Cas was reluctant at first, but Dean stressed how he never got to travel outside the U.S. and probably never would be able to through normal means. Cas then asked him where he would like to go and Dean chose Namibia. 

 

Ever since he saw _Animals Are Beautiful People_ as a kid he'd been fascinated by the Kalahari. When he and Cas arrived, he was not disappointed. His face filled with wonder at the beauty of his surroundings. Cas flitted them around so that Dean could see animals as well as the scenery. Dean forgot all his real life problems, including the sexual tension with Cas. He was like a child at Disneyland, discovering all that the desert had to offer.

 

After they had come across some baby elephants at play, he was so excited that he threw his arms around Cas and kissed him on the mouth. He was so caught up in where he was and what he was seeing that what he did never even registered. He continued on, animated and in awe, not noticing that Cas, who had been thrilled at Dean's happiness up until that moment, withdrew into himself.

 

After the baby elephants were once again encircled by the female adults, Cas said, “We should go. You need to get some sleep.”

 

Dean was a little disappointed that it couldn't continue, but he was mostly thrilled by what he'd gotten to see. When they returned to the motel, the huge grin remained on his face. He turned it toward Cas and was surprised to see Cas' smile still looked sad. In fact, if anything he was even sadder than before. Dean genuinely didn't understand why. As far as he was concerned, this was the best day they'd spent since Bobby's and he was hurt that Cas didn't feel the same way.

 

"Cas, man, what is it? I mean I thought we were having a pretty good day, here. But you're all surly Shirley and honestly I don't get it."

 

"We were having a good day, Dean. I really felt comfortable again for the first time in a long time." His sad expression didn't change.

 

"But?" Dean prompted, now a little surly himself.

 

"But," Cas said slowly, "you kissed me."

 

Dean's jaw dropped. He had. He hadn't given it a second thought. It had been normal and natural and right and he'd done it without thinking. He'd done it like it was nothing. But he could tell that it was going to cost him something. It might even cost him everything.

 

“Shit. I'm sorry, I didn't-”

 

“Didn't what? Mean to?” Cas' laugh had no humor in it. “Of course you did. Didn't think? No, you didn't. So how can you guard against something like that?” Cas' voice was higher and more out of control than Dean had ever heard it before. “You can't promise not to do it again because you did it without thinking. That means, either you'll just do it again the next time you get excited...” He dropped his head and looked off to the side, unable to meet Dean's gaze. “Or you’ll be so on guard against it all the time that it will ruin what we have anyway.”

 

Dean didn't want to hear this. This was not what he wanted. This was not okay. He had to find words to talk Cas out of this, this was a mistake.

 

“No, Cas, wait! You've got to trust me on this! How often are we going to be in situations like today? I mean it was an extreme circumstance! I had just seen Africa for the first time, for crying out loud.”

 

Cas looked dubious, but he said nothing and did not leave, so Dean pressed on.

 

“And, I mean, it isn't like it was sexual, anyway. It was a completely chaste kiss. A spontaneous display of affection. You can’t tell me that had anything to do with lust, Cas. And if it isn't sexual, then it's not a problem, right?”

 

Cas contemplated for a moment. “I suppose...” he agreed, albeit with obvious reluctance.

 

“So, surely we can still stay together? I mean, yeah, there's been some tension. We both know that. So what? We just make sure we respect personal space and we can avoid that issue in the future.” He ran a hand back through his hair, wondering if Cas noticed how it shook when he lifted it. “But don't give up on this, Cas. Please? Don't walk away from me.”

 

He didn't add _I'm begging you_ , but he thought it. He didn't know if Cas was still listening to his thoughts or not, and Dean wasn't sure whether he hoped Cas had heard the silent plea or not. He just didn't want him to leave. Every fiber of body screamed “NONONO! WRONGWRONGWRONG!” at the thought. He thought that should count for something, but he knew it didn't. It was all up to Cas now and he held his breath.

 

“I don't know, Dean. I need some time. I need to think things through.” With that, Cas was gone.

 

It definitely wasn’t the answer Dean wanted, even if it he hadn't said it was over. But that wasn't why Dean was angry now.

 

“Dammit, Cas!” He shouted at the empty room. “We just had a pretty important conversation. You do not just get to disappear without even saying goodbye, you son of a bitch!”

 

Cas was back instantly, looking remorseful.

 

“I'm sorry, Dean. I didn't mean to be insensitive.” He sighed. “I'm hurting, but that's no excuse. You're hurting, too.” He lifted his hand as though to cup Dean's face, but at the last second he grabbed Dean's shoulder instead. Unconsciously gripping over the mark he'd left there in hell. Dean put his own hand over the angel's, giving it a squeeze.

 

“Thanks for coming back. I-” He struggled to get the words out this time. There was so much uncertain now, but he needed Cas to know, now more than ever. “I love you.”

 

Cas' eyes softened. “I love you, too.” He squeezed Dean's shoulder again before saying, “I have to go.” This time, he waited for Dean's nod before he disappeared.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A broken heart, a good brother, mended fences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter to go after this. Then it is all done. Thanks to all who have read and given kudos.

**A Way Back**

 

It was a week before he saw Cas again. In the meantime, he knew he was a bitch to Sam more often than not, but Sam always accepted his swift apologies with a calm “It's cool” or similar sentiments. For once, Sam didn't ask any questions about Dean's mood, either, or try to get him to talk. Dean was surprised, but that was one gift horse who was not getting its mouth examined. He figured he'd get the lecture eventually, so he'd deal with it when it came.

 

When Cas finally showed up, Dean took one look at his face and felt dread pool in his belly. He knew in an instant that this night was going to hurt and every day after it was going to hurt even worse. He was horrified to realize he was already on the verge of tears and Cas hadn't even spoken yet.

 

“Dean...” Cas looked at Dean with such puppy dog eyes that Dean's chest tightened and he couldn't breathe. “I've thought about this for a long time. I've prayed to my father so many times, trying to get an answer about what to do or trying to get help dealing with my physical impulses toward you.” He paced the room, fists of his hair in his hands.

 

Dean's voice was thick with unshed tears when he interrupted. “Just say it, Cas. Get it over with. We both know what you're here to say, anyway, so just say it.” A single tear fell down his cheek and he swiped it away angrily.

 

“Please, Dean, I need you to understand.” Puppy dog eyes implored the hunter to listen, but he didn't want to to hear more.

 

“Oh, I understand, Cas. Absent fathers are a thing we have in common, remember?” He had forced the tears back for the moment, holding on to anger instead of allowing the pain. “There is the little matter of you telling me you'd stay even if we never got to have sex again, but Daddy didn't answer you, so you're leaving me, anyway.”

 

Cas’ face showed just how wounded he was by Dean's words and Dean instantly regretted what he'd said, but he didn't take it back, didn't apologize. He couldn't make Cas better and Cas wasn't going to make him better. He was hurting the person he loved most in the world - maybe even more than he loved Sam, he realized – but that person was hurting him so much worse, so he wouldn't take it back.

 

“Dean,” Cas pleaded and the name was half a sob. “I said I would try and I have. But being near you yet unable to touch you...It's killing me, Dean. I can't just go pleasure myself in the shower like you do,” he said, without a trace of bitterness Dean thought he probably deserved. Because of that, Dean kept his anger in check and let him speak this time. “But it's more than just the physical aspect of it that's the problem. It’s that I see everything I want right in front of me,yet I am not allowed to have it. It's only being able to love you half way, only getting to see half of everything I love about you.” He sank down on the couch across the room, shoulders sagging and head dropping. “My father won't answer me. And he hasn't helped me stop feeling what I feel. And I don't know what to do. I can't be cut off from my father and heaven for you any more than you'd be able to cut Sam out of your life for me.” 

 

He looked at Dean again then and his eyes begged for understanding. There was such abject misery in them that Dean felt his anger fall away. He couldn't kick Cas while he was down, even if Cas was ripping his heart out. The guy was ripping his own out, too, and Dean could see it. He nodded, hoping Cas could see on his face that he did understand. He didn't trust himself to speak. Cas looked a little less lost afterward, so apparently he didn't need words.

 

“If you ever need me...on a hunt...all you have to do is ask.” He hesitated before speaking again, as if uncertain of the wisdom of continuing. “Perhaps when some time has passed we might even be able to hunt together again.”

 

Dean found his voice then, even if it did crack as he spoke. “No, Cas. I will call you if I need you, but...” He drew in a ragged, uneven breath. “If you're...leaving...we can't be friends. I just can't.” He stood up from the bed and it was his turn to pace. “This, what we had...I don't do this. There's never been anyone-” Dean had to stop because the tears were falling and his chest was heaving. It took him a minute to get control of himself. “I'm not going to get over this.” _I'm not going to get over_ you, he thought. 

 

The misery was back on Cas’ face, worse than before, and tears pooled in his eyes. But after a moment, he nodded. He started to speak, but Dean interrupted. “I'm not finished. I'm not going to stop loving you and thinking you ending things is a mistake just because you go away. I'm probably going to be mad for a while and I'm damn sure gonna be drunk for a long time...but if you ever come to your damn senses and realize you fucked up...I'll be here.”

 

The smile Cas gave him held more sadness than he had ever realized a smile was capable of. There was so much longing in it, but also fondness and the ghost of happiness that had been. “Thank you for loving me, Dean.”

 

Dean had no idea what to say to that. As though he'd had a choice. As though he could have done anything else. As though he didn't still love Cas so much he ached with it. As though Dean wasn't the one who was grateful that Cas saw something more in him than he saw in himself. 

 

He couldn't say any of that. Instead, he was horrified to hear himself sob hoarsely and whisper, “Please don't leave me, Cas.”

 

Cas' eyes were shocked and sad. “ _Dean_ ,” was all he said, his own voice sounding raw with emotion. Knowing that he had begged – actually begged – Cas not to go, and that Cas was going anyway, was too much. He had laid it all bare for the angel and he had no defenses left. He wept, hard. And when he saw the love of his life raise a tentative hand toward him and then shake his head and disappear, he wept harder still. He said an angry prayer to God that somehow turned into more begging. 

 

When he had a small measure of control over himself again, he grabbed his cell phone and called Sam. He would've walked next door and knocked, but he thought Sam might freak out less waking to a ringing phone than a knock on the door. He told him he needed to come over and Sam groggily said sure.

 

When Sam opened the door, he barely had his eyes open, but when he saw Dean's face, his face lost its half asleep look and instead registered concern. He backed into the room to allow Dean to come inside, not saying anything yet. Dean couldn't speak at first. He just stood there by the window staring at the floor. 

 

“Dean, what's -”

 

“Cas left. He left...me.”

 

“You two broke _up_?” Sam asked incredulously. 

 

Saying it and then hearing it out loud like that was almost enough to start Dean crying again, though thankfully he managed to hold it in. Sam took him by the shoulders and led him over to the couch, forcing him to sit. When Sam sat down next to him and pulled him in for a hug, he tried to resist, but Sam wouldn't let him. The physical comfort was too much. He couldn't hold back anymore and the tears came again.

 

Sam didn't ask questions and he didn't speak. He just sat there while Dean cried it out some more. He patted his brother's back and gave him comfort, the way Dean had done for him when they were kids. Dean thought maybe he should feel embarrassed, but he found he didn't have room for it. He was filled to the brim with sadness and there was no space for anything as insignificant as trying to look tough. Anyway, clearly Sammy wasn't judging him and he needed his brother right now.

 

Even when he was all cried out, he stayed in the hug for a while. He didn't know if he held on to Sammy or if Sammy held on to him, but it was several minutes before they pulled back and let go.

 

"Bitch."

 

"Jerk."

 

Even though his heart was in pieces, he was grateful for this moment. His relationship with his brother was the best it had ever been. He felt a sense of pride, knowing he had had a small hand in helping little Sammy grow into big Sam, the man he was today. He knew that it was mostly just Sam’s own heart that made him how he was, but he also knew he'd helped. And he let go of a little anger toward his father, because by shirking his responsibilities, his father had given him a gift. Sam was the son he would never have. And Dean loved him so much in that moment that it helped the future feel a little less bleak.

 

**Getting through**

 

For Dean, the next several weeks were a blur. They chased and hunted. They exorcised and killed. They salted and burned. Dean drank and Sam fretted over it.

 

The worst part was the nights, of course. Sam had offered to go back to one room, but Dean didn't want that. Crying on Sam once had been necessary. Crying on him again would just be pathetic.

 

So instead he and Sam would watch tv while Dean pretended that he didn't remember all the nights that there had been 3 of them watching tv together. Afterward he would go back to his own room and drink himself (or, for the first couple weeks, drink and cry himself) to sleep.

 

Sometime during the fourth week, the hunt had gone late and he'd missed getting to the liquor store. They were in Texas and it was Saturday after midnight, which meant he couldn't even get beer until noon the next day. He considered going to a bar, but he hadn't seen one in town. When he thought about whether hitting on some random girl and taking her home would make him feel any better, his brain stuttered and he forgot what he was thinking about.

 

He called Sam to ask if he still had any beer, but he didn't. Sam asked if he wanted to hit the bar, and Dean said no, he had decided against it. He knew this was true, but he couldn't remember why he'd decided that. He felt vaguely troubled for a moment, but it passed quickly.

 

He decided if booze was off the table, maybe porn would do the trick. He flipped through the available selections, though, and he didn't find anything that caught his interest. A preview of gay porn confirmed what he suspected all along. It wasn't men he was into. It was Cas.

 

 _Shit_ , he thought. _Why'd I have to go and think about him_? It hurt, like it always did, but he'd also just watched two men making out on tv. So now gay sex and Cas were mingling together in his mind and he knew he was going to do what he hadn't done since the night Cas left him. He was going to jack off thinking about Cas and all the things they'd done together. He'd tried a few times, but he'd ended up crying instead of cumming and he hadn't even tried for over a week. This time, for some reason, he was pretty sure he was going to succeed.

 

Though it hurt, he closed his eyes and brought Cas' face into his mind as he lay back on the bed. He pictured that beautiful face with those electric blue eyes. Then he thought about those thick pink lips and how it was to kiss them. Then he remembered them around his cock. His erection sprang up and he grabbed the lube from the nightstand. He squeezed some onto his hand and rubbed it around on his fingers.

 

He lay back and closed his eyes again, remembering. When he wrapped his fingers around the base of his cock, though, he felt something brush his face and he stilled. The sensation went away, so he lay back and started stroking himself again. He moved gently at first, imagining one of the times that Cas' movements had been meant to tease rather than satisfy. He could almost feel the way Cas' tongue had darted around on the head, feather light and maddening. He used the finger of his other hand to mimic the movement.

 

He groaned loudly into the empty room, remembering how Cas had grinned wickedly when he had done it. No sooner had the noise died than he felt the something against his cheek again. His eyes flew open as he sat up quickly, brushing at his face. No insect or spider fell off his face or crawled on it. He decided it must have been his imagination or maybe some kind of muscle spasm from lack of alcohol. His desire was the pressing need at the moment. All he wanted was to close his eyes and be with Cas again.

 

Dean pictured the filthy smile again, remembered how he'd thought Cas was going to do more than tease after that, when he had swallowed Dean’s cock whole. But then Cas had slackened his jaw and -

 

This time the feeling was against his balls. It had felt like a hand. Dean had stilled when he felt it, but he did not open his eyes. Was Cas in the room? He didn't know. It still might be his imagination, but damn, what if he was? Dean started moving his hand again. He groaned once more as the fantasy in his head changed from things that had happened to the idea that he was currently masturbating for an audience of invisible Cas. The idea turned him on more than he would have believed possible.

 

His tongue slid out against his lower lip and then he caught his lip with his teeth, sucking it into his mouth the way he used to do to Cas. He groaned again, this time on purpose. Then he moaned Cas' name and he definitely felt a touch against his balls again. He didn't even slow this time. He splayed his legs and started fucking his hand in earnest, thrusting his hips upward as though Cas were above him.

 

The invisible hand on his balls tightened and relaxed in a constant rhythm, just as Cas had once done. It only took a few repetitions before Dean was out of control and cumming into the air. The instant he finished, he reached out and grabbed where he thought the wrist of the invisible hand might be. He made contact and said Cas' name, but the arm he held disappeared and he heard feathers flutter.

 

“Cas, dammit, I know you were here. Come back here!” The angel did not appear. “Please, man? I'm not mad. I'm not gonna give you shit about this. I just want to see you.” 

 

Cas appeared in front of the couch. He looked humiliated and miserable, but he was still the most beautiful thing Dean had seen in 4 weeks. It actually physically hurt Dean's chest to see him standing there, in view, but ever out of reach. He didn't know what to say. He wanted to say something that would make the frown lines disappear from between those blue eyes, but what was there he hadn't already said? He didn't even dare to hope that Cas had changed his mind.

 

“I'm so sorry, Dean. I know I shouldn't be here. I didn't mean to be, I just...” Cas wrung his hands, opening and closing his mouth as if he didn't know where to start on the list all the things he was sorry for, before just shaking his head and saying again, “I'm sorry.”

 

“Why _are_ you here?” Dean repeated stupidly. He wanted to ask what Cas was sorry for, or to yell or cry or beg again, but that question was all he could manage.

 

Cas closed his eyes and Dean swore he saw his lip tremble, but no tears fell. The angel sucked in a shaky breath and said, “I had to see you.” The look he pinned on Dean when his eyes opened was filled with so many emotions, Dean lost count, but guilt, regret, longing and the rest all fused together into anguish.

 

As soon as he saw how much Cas was hurting, his first instinct was to try to make it better. “Don't be sorry about that. You had a weak moment and look how you chose to spend it: pleasing me instead of yourself. I don't want you to apologize for that. I don't want you to apologize for missing me as much as I miss you.” He swallowed, drinking in the sight of Cas' form. “Honestly, if I had the juice? I'd have been following you since the moment you left.” He debated only a moment before he said the rest of what he felt. “And if you were standing any closer right now, I would kiss you till you couldn't see straight.”

 

He saw the desire flare in Cas' eyes, but shame washed through on its heels and he felt sick. Knowing Cas would leave soon if he couldn't find the right thing to say, Dean grasped at straws, desperately. He hit on something that he thought might work.

 

“What happened to dreams, Cas?”

 

“What?” Cas said sharply, caught off guard. Dean would have sworn he saw guilt there, but that didn't make sense, so he dismissed it.

 

“Before Bobby's, you were visiting me in dreams. You said you thought that could be an alternative to real sex. Why didn't you just try that before you left me in pieces?” He knew he was saying too much, but he was raw from seeing Cas and he knew that hiding how he felt would gain him nothing.

 

Cas frowned. “When I thought it over, I realized that sex in dreams really wasn't a viable solution. It wasn't as though I would have been abstaining from sex that way. Not really.”

 

 _So much for that_ , Dean thought, feeling even more wretched.

 

“I...” Cas began to speak again with obvious effort. “Speaking of dreams, there's something I should tell you.” He waited for Dean to speak, but Dean couldn't. When the silence spun out, Cas went on. “One of those dreams...you don't remember it. We were in a bar, like in the first one.” He slowly ran a hand back through his hair, appearing to pull it as he did. He did not look at Dean when he spoke again. “There were women and you were looking at them.” Blue eyes snapped back to green ones. “I became...jealous. We had a fight, a really bad one. We finally made up, but when we did, you asked for a memory wipe.”

 

Dean was confused. He knew it shown on his face. He didn't understand why Cas felt the need to tell him this now. Did it really matter? Weren't there much more important things to say? 

 

Cas sighed heavily. “I screwed up the wipe, somehow. Maybe because it was a dream, I don't know.” He wiped his face with his hand. “But ever since, you don't want to hit on women in bars. And tonight...” He trailed off and couldn't meet Dean's gaze again. “Before I was...” 

 

Cas blushed, which Dean hadn't even known was possible for him to do, but he hated Cas for it now that he did know. Because it was adorable and wonderful and nothing Dean could keep. He waited for Cas to continue, saying nothing.

 

“Earlier tonight,” the angel started again. “Before...you discovered I was here, I was listening to your thoughts. It's how I knew to be here for...for the other.” Dean didn't know how he felt about that, but he wanted to hear the point of Cas' story, so he waited without speaking.

 

“When you thought of going to the bar, do you remember why you didn't want to?”

 

Dean looked puzzled. A frown line appeared between his eyebrows. He shook his head, still confused.

 

“You were thinking of picking up a woman. The memory wipe zapped the idea away from you and made you forget you'd considered it.”

 

Dean thought back to the incident and remembered a moment or two of confusion. He didn't like where this was going, though. He wanted to get it back around to trying to work it out. If Cas was here, that meant he had doubts and Dean was not above playing on them, if it meant having Cas back again.

 

“Okay, Cas, so I don't want to hit on women in bars anymore. So what? I can live with it.” He looked at the floor because he felt guilty for what he was about to say, even though it was true. “None of them will ever be you, anyway, so what's the point?”

 

“Dean, I _can't_...” He shook his head angrily. “You weren't supposed to see me. I was only going to watch you for a while. Then I gave in to an impulse and kissed your cheek and...” His eyes lost focus as he stared at the far wall, unseeing. “You shouldn't have been able to feel that, you know. When you reacted, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if it was just a coincidence, until the second time.” He flashed Dean a guilty look. “Then I kept watching you and the temptation to touch you again was overwhelming. I tried to wait until you were too far gone to pay attention, but...” He trailed off, shaking his head again. “It was a series of mistakes that have led us back to the same problem we had the night I left. Neither of us wants me to leave...but I can't stay.”

 

Dean had thought he couldn't hurt any worse. He had even thought the sharpest parts of the pain were over. But seeing Cas tonight, begging him again - only to have him _leave_ again...Dean felt as though he'd eaten a bowl of Icy Hot and put his chest and throat in a vise. He didn't know if he could bare to watch him fly away again. He wanted to go back to the beginning. Those moments in the Impala when Cas had gotten too close and Dean had sent him away, the dream he'd had that night that led to him finally accepting how he...

 

“Cas?” Dean asked quietly, as the angel's earlier words came back to him. “You said 'in a bar, like the first one.'” Dean saw Cas' eyes go wide and he knew, but he asked anyway. “That dream I had where you were my date and we had sex in the Impala...Did you do that? The first night I ever let myself...think about you when I was...Did you give me that dream?” 

 

Cas said nothing, but a tear escaped his eye. He pressed his lips into a tight pinched line, to try to hold himself together and then he just nodded. 

 

“You son of a bitch.” Dean's voice was deadly quiet, not shaking with anger but humming with it. “You manipulated me into this.” Cas looked shocked at the accusation and would have protested, but Dean didn't give him the chance. “And then you left me. Then when I finally start to feel a little bit okay, you come back here and you fuck with my head all over again!” 

 

By the end he was shouting and he didn't care. He walked over toward Cas and the angel flinched, expecting a blow, as though he couldn't have knocked Dean into the next room before it landed. Dean didn't raise a hand, but he got in Cas' face before he continued his angry rant.

 

“You're selfish, Cas. I never thought that about you before, but it's true. You tricked me into this when you knew I didn't want it because _you_ wanted it. Then once I wanted it more than anything, you fucking took it away!” Dean was crying as well as yelling now. “You felt like watching me in secret, even though you were the one who wanted to go, even though I'd have given anything to see you these past few weeks...” 

 

He paused, his ragged breathing evident in uneven heaves of his shoulders. He knew he wasn't being fair, but he didn't care. Nothing about this was fair for him. He pulled back and cocked his head. His voice when he resumed speaking was quieter, colder.

 

“You know what the worst part is? You're not even leaving me because I did something wrong or because you don't love me.” He shoved his finger into Cas' face, only an inch from touching him. “You're just leaving because your shitty brothers, the ones who fucking _kidnapped you_ , told you you should. After everything that's happened, you're right back to following orders.” He backed up then, a disgusted look on his face. “I mean, did it ever occur to you that maybe your dad didn't answer you because he wanted you to think for yourself?” 

 

He shook his head, walking away. He dropped heavily onto the bed then let himself fall back, flinging his arm over his eyes. He ignored the pain he'd seen on Cas' face. He ignored the voice in his head telling him to feel guilty. Instead he focused all his attention how good a beer was going to taste when he finally got to go buy some tomorrow morning. He ignored Cas saying his name all three times. A few minutes after the last time, he pretended he didn't hear the flutter as Cas left without another word. Wrung out and as bone weary as he'd ever been, Dean fell into a dreamless sleep.

 

**Freedom and Freewill**

 

The next week was worse than all the other weeks aftertheir break up combined. His anger had left him as quickly as it had come on. Depression had completely taken over. The sadness had ceased to be a sharp pain but instead had become a heavy weight, pulling him down. His days bled into each other and he did his best not to think at all about anything. 

 

He didn't crack jokes and when Sam did, Dean’s smile never reached his eyes. Dean didn't drink all day long like he had before, but that was only because he saved it for the nights. He didn't even stay up and watch tv with Sam that week. Whenever they reached the motel, he'd say goodnight and go suck down a beer or 6 until he was able to fall asleep. Sometimes it only took a couple, but other nights it took many more. 

 

Dean suspected that Sam was going to confront him soon, but he couldn't muster up the energy to care. He didn't know what he could say that would appease his brother. He suspected just saying “I'm broken” would not calm any fears his brother might have for him.

 

Instead of worrying about that – or worrying about missing Cas or his guilt over how he'd acted that night or the hundred things that were underneath the depression, somewhere – he just hunted and drove and drank and slept. Sometimes he ate, but never with enthusiasm. Food was no comfort to him. It held no more appeal than sex. Drink only appealed because it brought sleep and sleep brought forgetting.

 

The confrontation with Sam finally came on the 8th morning after Cas had left again. They didn't have any cases and Sam wanted to head up to Bobby's for a few days for a break. Dean didn't want to go for many reasons, his Cas-related memories from Bobby's and knowing that Bobby would call him out on his state of mind chief among them. Instead of talking about any of the real reasons, though, he just picked a fight. He accused Sam of being soft and told him that real hunters didn't take vacations.  
  
"Going to that stupid wedding spoil you? Make you think you can just take a break whenever you feel like it?"  
  
He had come to expect bitchface and snide remarks when Sam was upset. Sam rarely let his anger get hot like Dean did. So Dean was shocked when Sam angrily yelled back at him, "I'm not the one I think needs a fucking break, Dean!" He twisted Dean's shirt in his fist. "You've been walking around like a damn zombie! You're not even eating half the time! Hell, you're hardly even drinking!" Now that his initial outburst was past, Sam visibly deflated. When he spoke again, he was calm. "I just thought that if anybody could snap you out of whatever this is you're going through, it would be Bobby."  
  
For the first time, Dean realized he hadn't even told Sam what had happened. He lost his interest in fighting. It had been too close to feeling anyway. Not that what he was about to say to Sam wasn't way worse, though.  
  
"Cas showed up again the night before we took the werewolf case." His shoulders sagged and he looked away as he prepared to speak again. "I can't talk about it. I know I've been pretty fucked up...but going to Bobby's...I can't, Sam. Last time we were there..." He didn't finish, but he didn't need to.  
  
"Cas was with us. And things were really good." Sam made a face, but it wasn't bitchface, which Dean took as a good sign. "Alright, man. I get it. I didn't know anything else had happened. I'll drop it. But we are taking a few days off, regardless. If we can't go to Bobby's where do you want to go?" 

 

“I don't care, Sam. Just pick a place.”

 

“No-” He gave an exasperated groan. “Come on, Dean, this is for _you_. Isn't there anywhere you wanna go?”

 

Dean was shaking his head no when his eyes showed the first spark of life in 8 days. He had just remembered a place. His look was almost happy when he told Sam where he wanted to go. Sam groaned again, but they packed up and headed out. It took them all day to reach the town, so they spent the night in a motel and drove to their destination the next morning.

 

“Dude, I cannot believe that of all the places in the world, you chose 'Zander's Pie Emporium'. Seriously?” He was sporting a full on bitchface.

 

“'Home of the 12 Inch Meringue', Sammy!” Dean said excitedly, eyebrows raised and eyes wide. Sam rolled his eyes, but Dean knew he was actually pleased that Dean was enjoying himself.

 

“You're a 5 year old.”

 

“Bitch.”

 

“Jerk.”

 

“12 inch meringue, Sammy,” he repeated solemnly. Sam had to laugh at that and Dean laughed back. 

 

It was the first thing Dean wanted to try, but far from the only one. Zander's was a pretty large place, set in a refurbished warehouse. There were tables inside and out for dining on site, but there were also rows and rows of pre-made pies ready to buy for the road. If a person was interested – and Dean naturally was – there were tours of the baking kitchen where customers could don sanitary gear and watch fruit and sugar and other ingredients get chopped and blended together and poured into golden crusts and unbaked crusts and crumbly crusts. Sam told Dean he was a five year old again when they watched the meringue being whipped and Dean practically started drooling.

 

So Dean let himself be a five year old for the day. He gave himself over to pie and even made Sam laugh more than a few times. They started with the lemon meringue, which Dean gave five stars. Then he tried the chocolate meringue, which he rated with six. He was up to 100 stars by the time he had a slice of chess pie. He stopped giving stars altogether by the time he got to the slab of strawberry rhubarb. He ate way too much. He even convinced Sam to try most of them. Then he bought more pie for the road than he could possibly eat. But he had his first good day in a while and he was so grateful to Sam. He felt so good that he didn't even drink himself to sleep that night.

 

The next morning, Sam came to get him for breakfast and suggested they go ahead and check out. Dean's depression had somewhat returned or he might have noticed right away that something was off. Dean packed the Impala while Sam took care of the bill and then they were off to the diner. It wasn't until they were halfway through their omelets – egg white for Sammy – that Dean realized how weird Sam had been acting. 

 

“Dude. What the hell?” He said after Sam had dodged his gaze for the third time in five minutes.

 

“Huh?” Sam said, his eyes barely meeting Dean's before flying off again.

 

“You've been acting weird all morning. What's going on, man?”

 

“Nothing,” he claimed, eyes shifting away as soon as they made contact again.

 

“ _Sam_.”

 

But the waitress came to top off their coffee, so Dean had to drop it. As soon as she was gone again, Dean took Sam's fork away and stole his cup of coffee. “Spill it, Sam. What is up with you?”

 

Sam sighed heavily, looking like he knew he had been cornered. Dean wondered for a second if he'd given in too easy, but then Sam was talking and the notion left his head. “Okay, look, I was thinking...” Sam still couldn't meet his eyes, as he searched for the right words. “Could we...could we go to the zoo?” He rushed to keep talking before Dean said anything. “It's just, I always wanted to and we never got to and after the pie thing yesterday, I just thought...” He shrugged and didn't continue.

 

For once, Dean couldn't read Sam's expression, but he figured there was a healthy dose of worry that he'd be made fun of in there. He knew Sam would not expect his reaction and his mood lifted a little even before he spoke. “Hell, _yeah_ we can go to the zoo!”

 

Sam looked relieved, happy and...what else? Dean couldn't tell, but he refused to worry about it. They finished their breakfast and hit the road again, this time only an hour or so from their destination. Figuring it was Sam's turn to be five years old, Dean splurged on treats and even a couple of souvenir goodies. Sam insisted he didn't want the junk food, but he invariably ate more than his share of it when Dean bought it. They each got a giant slinky painted to look like a snake and a zoo shot glass from the gift shop, too. Dean even bought Sam a disposable camera and smiled into it a couple of times.

 

Sam led him around the zoo in a seemingly random fashion. The African section was near the front, but Sam insisted they go to the Asian area near the back first. From there it was the monkey house and the owl sanctuary. Dean refused to go into the butterfly habitat, but he waited patiently while Sam walked through it.

 

It had been another great day already, by the time they finally got back to Africa and the Savannah Safari section. The giraffes made Dean laugh and he accused Sam of being one. The lions were off doing their sleepy thing in the shade, so they moved on. As soon as the boys reached the elephant enclosure, Sam excused himself to go to the bathroom, leaving Dean standing in front of the elephants by himself.

 

As he watched, a baby elephant ran around its mother and he felt a pang of loss, thinking of standing in the Kalahari with Cas. Before he could think too much about it, though, the mother trumpeted at something. The baby got scared and Dean laughed out loud at the baby's comic expression of shock. _Poor little guy_ , he thought.

 

“It's not the same as seeing them in the wild, is it?”

 

Dean went utterly still. He stopped breathing. He thought maybe his heart had stopped, as well. Then the next instant it was pounding so hard he wasn't sure he could still hear above the noise of it. He wanted to turn around, but he felt paralyzed. He was terrified of hoping and being disappointed, but he hoped anyway. He couldn't move, so he just waited.

 

“After the other night, I did a lot of thinking. By the next day, I had decided you were right about everything.” Dean did turn his head then, just enough that he could see Cas from the corner of his eye. “But you were so _angry_ with me that night. I didn't know if what you said before, about being here when I changed my mind, was still true.”

 

Dean turned around completely at that and leaned against the rail. He tried to say “It is”, but the words hung in his throat and came out no louder than a breath. Cas was watching the elephants and appeared not to notice.

 

“You know, Dean, I don't think you really understand how much you affect the people around you. How much they _care_ about you.” He made brief eye contact before looking at the elephants again. “Sam prayed to me the other night. Before you two went to the pie place. He told me things about you, and about what you've been like since we last spoke.”

 

“What things?” Dean managed to say, though it was still a quiet croak.

 

“He loves you, Dean. And he knows you very well. He didn't tell me much that I didn't already know, but he explained some of it in new ways. Because there were some things that I knew, but didn't understand, like your guilt.” Cas walked forward, past Dean, to lean his forearms on the railing a few inches from the hunter. “At any rate, I was worried that you didn't mean what you said. Partially because it seemed you'd given up on your own father.” He cast a look over his shoulder at Dean, who stayed silent.

 

“I told Sam this, but he convinced me that you don't give up on people you love, ever. He said if your father walked in tomorrow, as long as he apologized, you'd welcome him back with open arms.” Cas waited a beat, staring straight ahead again before asking, “Is this true?”

 

“If he was sincere? Yes.”

 

Cas took a deep breath and his next words all came out in rush, as if he was afraid he couldn't get them out any way except all at once. “Dean, I made the wrong choices. I didn’t mean to hurt you and I shouldn't have left you. I am so sorry.” His eyes bored into Dean's, but he didn't say anything more for a moment.

 

A big part of Dean wanted to tell him everything was fine, that it was all okay and they could just go back to the way they had been. But he'd been hurt, badly. And he wasn't sure he was ready. He didn't know what he needed, exactly, but he knew he needed more from Cas before he could get past what had happened. So he just waited without speaking.

 

“My brothers...” Cas bit his upper lip as he looked across at the elephants. “I don't think I fully understood what an effect they had on my perception. I wasn't thinking straight for a long time.” He turned around to face away from the animals and looked at Dean's shirt, unable to meet his eyes. “You were right to be angry, of course. I didn't manufacture your feelings for me, but I did use tricks to convince you to be with me.” 

 

He managed to meet Dean's eyes again then, but Dean was not prepared for the raw emotion in them. He wasn't prepared for the next words Cas said, either.

 

“It's just that...I was willing to hide my feelings for you, forever. I was never going to tell you. I never dared to hope for anything more than the friendship we had.” He broke the gaze then, unable to keep from hiding. “Then you told me you had feelings and...once you kissed me, I was lost. Still, once you asked for me to take your memory away...I tried, Dean. But then it happened again. And again.” He shook his head, obviously fighting back tears and it hurt Dean to see it, to think about how Cas must have felt. Dean wasn't quite to forgiveness yet, but he could feel his reserve cracking.

 

The hunter put his arm around the angel's shoulders to steady him. Cas started to lean in, but he pulled himself back at the last moment. 

 

“I decided for my own sanity I had to take matters into my own hands. I didn't mean to deceive you or trick you. I just wanted to help you come to terms with what you felt so that we could be together. With that...dream...Well, I thought that if I could _show_ you what it could be like between us, how right it could be...we might have a chance.I knew that otherwise, if I just tried to _tell_ you, that you wouldn't listen. That you'd shut me out and I would lose you completely.” 

 

There was misery on his face now, though the tears seemed to have passed. “Losing you, not having you in my life, that was the last thing in the world that I wanted. But then my brothers took me and I was so weak that I let their words warp my mind. The last thing I had wanted to see happen...and then I _made_ it happen. The one thing I wanted more than anything else...and then I gave it away on purpose.”

 

Cas closed his eyes and a single tear slid down his cheek. “I've done so many stupid things, Dean. I hurt the person I care most about in all of creation...but I want to make it up to you. All I want is to be with you again.” He made eye contact again, though it was an obvious struggle. “Will you please forgive me and take me back?”

 

The wave of emotion that flooded through Dean felt like it began in his gut and washed up into his eyes. Tears welled and pooled and he fought not to let them fall. They were in public. There were kids and parents everywhere and Dean couldn't do this in front of them.

 

“I...we need to go somewhere more private.” He headed for a secluded area behind the bathroom. As soon as they were out of sight, he pulled Cas into a bear hug and rained tears down on his neck. “Of course I will, you stupid son of a bitch.” He thought he felt tears on his own neck. Cas certainly hugged him back every bit as hard. After several long moments of the two of them just holding on, Dean pulled back and opened his eyes.

 

“What the hell?” They were standing in the middle of his motel room. “We left Sammy back at the-”

 

“I brought him back here before I came to see you.”

 

Dean laughed. “Good deal.” He sat down on the edge of the bed, still smiling. “So, why the zoo, man? Why didn't you just wait till we got back to the motel?”

 

“It was Sam's idea to meet you during the day. He led me to understand that, at night, humans are...more fragile emotionally. Vulnerable. You in particular are this way.”

 

“Okay, that's true, but-”

 

“I didn't want to come to you when you were...emotionally predisposed to take me back. Or when you were drunk and more likely to say yes. I wanted to come to you when you were in a good place. Does that...do you understand?”

 

Dean's eyes were soft. “Yeah. Yeah I do.” He laughed again. “I can't believe you and Sam set this whole thing up.”

 

“Bobby helped, too.”

 

“Wait, so you talked to Bobby?”

 

“Yes. He was the one who suggested I choose a neutral place, but one that had positive associations to a special time for us. I thought the elephants at the zoo fit that very well.”

 

“Yeah, no, it was a good choice,” Dean said, smiling once more before Cas sat down on the bed next to him and he grew serious. “You know, there still may be times when I touch you without thinking about it. I can’t promise to do more than try to behave myself.”

 

Cas turned to him, eyes wide and searching. “You mean after everything that's happened, you would still accept me back, even if I still needed a platonic relationship?”

 

Dean tried to ignore the pounding of his heart. He was nervous, afraid to ask the next questions, even though he knew they had to be asked. “Cas, what part of ‘I love you’ did you not get? I automatically assumed we were going back to the way things were right before you left, when things were hands off. Are you...are you saying that's not the case?” He couldn't bring himself to look at Cas as he waited for the answer.

 

“When I said you were right about everything, Dean, everything is what I meant. I only put a stop to our physical relationship because of what my brothers said and did. Prior to that, I never questioned that what we were doing was acceptable.” He took Dean's hand, holding it lightly. “Dean, when you got angry, I really took a look at everything I've done, not just what we've done together, but all of it. I've killed people. I've lied. I've stolen things. I was never told to feel ashamed of those things and I never felt any shame for them.”

 

He ran his thumb in circles over Dean's hand, distractedly. “When I came to you after my brothers were kidnapped, you could have told me I was an idiot, reminded me of all the bad things I had done...but you didn't. You saw that I was conflicted and so you gave me whatever I asked for. And you'd have kept on doing it. It was only after I hurt you multiple times that you stood up and told me I was being a coward.” He brought Dean's hand up and pressed the palm to his face. “I'm afraid I haven't been very good to you.”

 

"I said that I forgive you, Cas. That means you don't have to do penance anymore. Look, I know all about irrational guilt and shame and probably a hundred other negative emotions you haven't even experienced yet, okay? You may not be human, not quite, but you're close enough. You're not perfect. I don't want you to be. I'm sure as hell not. But I do want you. With me. In my life. The bad shit that went down? As long as nothing like that happens again, it's the past."  
  
Cas tried to speak, but Dean shook his head and pressed histhumb, the one on the hand holding Cas' face, against the angel's lips. Dean looked into Cas eyes as he leaned in toward him, a millimeter at a time.  
  
His heart was pounding and he could feel the pulse in Cas' neck racing against the side of his hand. He slid his thumb off Cas' lips as he grew closer. He felt a warm tingly pull toward Cas, as though the angel were a magnet and he were metal. He licked his lips and he saw those blue eyes darken with desire at the sight. Then he watched the angel's eyes close, his lips parting slightly in anticipation of the kiss.  
  
When at last Dean's eyes fell shut and their lips met, there was an electric current that ran through the hunter. If the way Cas’ body jerked was any indication, the angel felt it, too. It hadn't even been this intense the first time they'd kissed. Although, Dean reflected, he hadn't exactly taken it slow that first time, had he? He had just taken.  
  
At first there were just tender, dry kisses with a small amount of suction. Then Dean slowly slid his tongue between Cas' plump pink lips, parting them even more. Cas' tongue slid out to greet his and Dean stroked it, feeling the its texture and firmness, the warm wetness, as it pressed back against his probing. After a moment, all the sensations of the kiss began to blur into one mindless feeling of “Good-Yes-More-Closer-Need”. Cas' arms wrapped around him, one at his waist, the other at his shoulders, capturing him and holding him close.

 

Dean didn't even know which of them started the controlled fall backward taking them from sitting to lying on the bed, but Cas ended up on top of him. Cas was tentative and bold by turns, as if he second guessed himself every time he got excited and took control. It was driving Dean crazy in a good way, but he wanted Cas to let go and relax.

 

“Take,” he said between kisses. “Take what you want.” He captured Cas’ lip between his teeth and sucked gently, looking him straight in the eye as he let go and said, “Whatever you want. I'm yours.”

 

Cas didn't need a second invitation. He pressed Dean back into the mattress by his broad shoulders and took him in a kiss. Their mouths were pressed so tight together it was almost painful, but Dean didn't want to back away, even if he could have. Cas' tongue was long and thick and he slid the full length of it into Dean's mouth. He plunged it in and out of Dean's mouth several times. The movement was slow but forceful and Dean felt as though he was already being fucked. 

 

When Cas pulled back long enough to growl “You're mine” against his lips before claiming his mouth again, Dean groaned and curled his fingers in Cas' hips. As if Dean had pressed a button, Cas' hips began rocking forward, grinding his trapped cock against Dean's. He made a noise of frustration at the clothes between them. He kept kissing Dean, but he also started stripping him. The movements were graceless and jerky, fueled by the feverish need to feel bare skin. As he undressed him, sometimes he licked or nipped a spot he'd uncovered. He always returned to Dean's mouth, though, finding ever-changing ways to explore it with his tongue.

 

When Dean was finally naked, Cas pulled back long enough to enjoy the full view. The hungry look Cas gave him made Dean’s stomach clench and the breath caught in his throat. He felt like Cas was about to eat him alive and he was excited at the prospect of being devoured. He wanted Cas naked, too. He wanted it very much. He reached for Cas to help him, but Cas used his mojo to remove them instead. Dean had never known he could do that, but it was something to keep in mind for the future. Right now, they were both naked and Cas was not pressing nearly enough of his bare body to the hunter's.

 

Cas fell on him, then, mouth and hands consuming every bit of flesh they encountered. Dean's lips were swollen and tender from all the kisses and bites. His jaw and neck received the same treatment. He jerked and yelped involuntarily when Cas bit the muscle above his collarbone, but the feeling went straight to his dick, causing it to throb even harder. Then Cas' hands were on his ass, squeezing the muscles, spreading the cheeks and pressing them back together.

 

He felt the dry touch of a knuckle at the puckered opening of his ass. Cas slid the side of his finger between his cheeks and against his hole several times, very slowly. Then he went back to squeezing. Then he kissed Dean even more deeply than before, tongue-fucking his mouth again. A few moments later, Dean didn't know how Cas had gotten the lube and he didn't care. He could only focus on the warm wet finger that was suddenly gently probing into him with the same rhythm of the tongue that was probing his mouth. He was being entered at both ends and he thought he would lose his mind.

 

Cas worked fingers and tongue into him, over and over, never speeding up or slowing down, until Dean was sure he was going to leave his body. Then suddenly Cas' fingers were gone and it was the head of his cock pressing against Dean's now-loosened entrance. As he had with his fingers, Cas moved his cock and tongue forward at the same moment. One of Cas' thumbs dug into Dean's hip as he rocked back and forth. Then Cas took the hand off the hip and grasped Dean's cock, forcing the breath out of the hunter in a rush.

 

Cas fucked Dean's mouth and ass with perfect rhythm, stroking his cock with the same slow deliberation. Every time Dean would start to get close, Cas would take his hand off Dean's cock and squeeze his hip again, or pass a thumb over his nipple. After this had happened at least a dozen times, when Cas had waited a little too long and Dean nearly went over without a hand on him, Dean had had enough. He whimpered and begged Cas to give him what he needed.

 

Cas' tongue and cock stilled for a moment. Then he groaned and plunged forward with both. Instead of slow deliberate movements, he fucked Dean's mouth and ass mercilessly now, rhythms no longer quite in sync, but no less mind-blowing. Their teeth clicked against each other sometimes and Cas' hipbone hit Dean's ass once or twice with enough force he was likely to have a bruise. Dean loved all of it. The hand around his dick was just as urgent and demanding as the cock inside him and he was about to go over the edge and fall apart.

 

“Wait...” Cas gasped out on a ragged breath, finally pulling out of the kiss. “Wait for me. Cum...with me.” He was panting, clearly close, and Dean was so aroused by seeing Cas so out of control that he almost couldn't do as Cas had asked. He clutched his lover by the shoulders and tried to hold on a little longer.

 

Dean felt the tightening in his belly as the movement of Cas' hips grew even wilder and less rhythmic. Cas’ hand was doing amazing things and his cock and his tongue were, too and soon they were both groaning. Finally, Cas' eyes went wide and he said “Now!” before dipping his head back down to renew the kiss. Dean was almost over the edge when Cas' orgasm hit and the sounds Cas made combined with the head of his cock hitting Dean's prostate were all it took to send Dean tumbling after him.

 

Dean hadn't had an orgasm in over a week and he made quite a mess on his stomach as Cas stared down between their bodies, his own orgasm finishing, too. Cas' face lit in an impish grin and he slid out of Dean and downward, so that his face was above Dean's stomach. He began to lick the hunter clean and the feelings that gave to Dean's flagging erection were painful. 

 

“Cas...” he groaned, pleading for mercy. Then Cas brushed a finger over the base of his cock and suddenly, his cock no longer felt like he'd just cum a few moments before. Cas' tongue licking the cum off his skin was doing to him exactly what it would have done before his orgasm. “Did you...did you just...mojo my dick?” Dean let out a breathless laugh. Instead of answering, Cas sucked Dean's cock into his mouth, and Dean found he didn't have any more questions.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Resolution of broken things. Sex and Fluff and Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it - The final chapter. Thank you everyone who left kudos or commented. I love feedback, so please feel free to leave comments. Thanks so much for reading!

**Falling From Grace**

 

With Cas' new affinity for using his mojo to cut down the recuperation time, Dean realized their previous “marathon” had really only been a warm up. That afternoon and night and next morning had almost made up for all the nights they'd been apart, not just in quality – though certainly that – but almost in quantity. Dean supposed that was an exaggeration, but he had truly lost count of their interactions over the previous 18 hours. He hadn't even slept at all. When he had expressed a need for it, Cas offered to mojo that, too.

 

“We can't make a habit of it, but every now and then won't hurt. We don't even have to have sex again, if you don't want to. I just want to spend as much time with you today as I can squeeze in, Dean. We were apart too long and I don't want to waste any more time than we have to, especially right now, when I've just got you back.”

 

Dean couldn't do anything but agree with that, so he had skipped sleep in lieu of some amazing cuddling and even more amazing sex. Cas had clearly had lots of time to think about sex over the past few weeks. Maybe he'd even done research. Regardless, Dean was enjoying his fervor for experimentation. He didn't like everything, but he enjoyed learning what they both liked and he enjoyed watching Cas learn and enjoy everything.

 

The next morning, Sam texted instead of knocking on the door. Clearly he was worried about interrupting something he didn't want to see. Or maybe he just wanted to make sure they were both dressed. Dean thought it was almost funny enough to warrant teasing him for spite, but he decided against it. He figured he owed Sammy pretty big right now.

 

When they met up outside the room for breakfast, Dean threw his arms around his baby brother in a bear hug. Sam was surprised, but he hugged back without comment. When Dean finally pulled away, Sam gave him a questioning look, but didn't voice it, as if afraid to ruin the moment. He needn't have worried. Dean had been changed and Sam was about to see that plainly.

 

“I love you, Sammy. I couldn't ask for a better brother.” He saw Cas smiling fondly at him and Dean grinned and took his hand. “Love you, too, Cas.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket and said, “Aw, hell, you know what?” before dialing a number. “Hey, Bobby, it's Dean.”

 

“What's up? You hear from Cas?”

 

“Yes, I did. Just calling to tell you I love you.”

 

“Oh, shut up you idjit. It's too early in the damn morning for you to mock me.”

 

“Who's mocking you, you old coot? I said I love you and I meant it, ya jackass.”

 

Bobby was silent for so long Dean wondered if he'd hung up.

 

“I love you, too, you little shit. Hell. Tell...tell Sam, too.”

 

“Tell him yourself,” he said, tossing the phone to Sam. He waited until Sam said “Yeah, uh, I love you, too, Bobby,” before turning and pulling Cas in for a very unchaste kiss. He pretended not to hear Sam's disgusted “Ugh, Bobby, I gotta go, they're making out and it's making me really uncomfortable,” but he grinned against Cas' mouth.

 

Not much really changed from when Cas had been with them before, except that saying “I love you” became a regular thing for the boys after that. They all hunted together for a few weeks, solving half a dozen cases. When there was a break in the action, they headed up to Bobby's. Saying I love you had not become a regular thing with him, but he was less gruff than usual after the one time. Dean was pleased to find when they arrived that he was also more affectionate.

 

He hugged all of them, even Cas, and told them it was really good to see them. Dean didn't push, but he knew that meant the same as “I love you” to Bobby, the same way “I need you” had always meant the same for him...until Cas, that is. Being with Cas had changed a lot of things inside Dean and all for the better, he thought.

 

The time at Bobby's wasn't a vacation. He forced them to do research and do some fight training. He said, as though they didn't already know, that they needed to stay ready at all times. Dean suspected he was just feeling overly protective now that the L word had been loosed, but he didn't suggest as much to Bobby.

 

Every day was something new to learn and something old to practice. When the boys were busy one day, Bobby taught Cas to make lasagna. Dean was so pleased about it that it made Cas want to learn even more about cooking. The day Cas baked him a pie, Dean actually kissed Cas, right in front of Bobby and Sam. He had tears in his eyes when he pulled away and he didn't even try to hide it.

 

They had been at Bobby's about a week when Bobby said, “I think it's time for you to learn Greek, boys.” Sam was a natural at it, but Dean quickly grew frustrated with Bobby's teaching style and threw his hands up in defeat before storming out. Cas, who spoke all languages, zapped Dean back inside and made him apologize, but he also took over the hunter's Greek lessons after that. Bobby's smirk told Dean he probably planned it that way and Dean could only marvel at how his family schemed when it came to him and Cas.

 

One day during lessons, Sam was sitting across from Bobby's desk, reading a bit of text out loud. Cas and Dean were on the couch. Dean was lying on his back and Cas was lying on his side next to him, the text between them as they studied the same passage Sam was working on reading. Bobby was behind his desk, correcting Sam whenever he mispronounced a word. When someone knocked on the door, Sam made sure his gun was ready, but Dean and Cas stayed where they were. Mojo magic could get them where ever they needed to be fast enough. Bobby waved at Sam to hang back and went to answer the door.

 

“Oh, uh, hey. Didn't expect to see you after our last...chat,” they heard Bobby say to someone. The response was too low to make out. “Well, come on in, I guess,” Bobby replied. “Sam and Dean are here.” And then there were two pairs of boots on the floor heading toward them.

 

Dean didn't know who was more shocked to see the other, him or his father. He supposed, given that he was stretched out in a cuddle with his boyfriend, it was probably his dad, but that didn't slow the gallop of his heart any. When John threw up his hands in a defensive gesture and said, “Hey, whoa, I'm not here to make trouble,” Dean realized that Cas was glaring at his dad menacingly, obviously prepared to defend Dean in any way necessary.

 

“I suggest you don't,” was Cas gravelly reply. His scowl did not lessen. Dean squeezed the shoulder his hand was resting on. Not to calm Cas, but to express his gratitude at the angel's willingness to stand up for him. He caught Cas' eye and smiled, earning a smile in return. That soothed the chest tightness Dean had felt at seeing the old man and he was able to meet his eyes without faltering for the first time. “So why are you here, Dad? You hunting something?” 

 

John shook his head. “No, uh...well.” His face was an embarrassed grimace as he looked away, scrubbing at the back of his neck with his meaty palm. “Bobby told me you boys were here, actually. We, uh, had words...I came because...” He blew out a heavy breath. “I came to apologize.”

 

“To me?” Bobby asked, incredulously.

 

“No. Yes. To everyone,” John replied. “Bobby, you were right. Everything you said on the phone. And Sam, last time I saw you, the things you said...you were right, too. And Dean...” He looked Dean fully in the face for the first time since he'd arrived. “You were right, too. You being my son...that's what really matters. I was wrong about all of it. I'm...I'm sorry. I've been...I've...” He trailed off and Dean worried he was about to cry, which he did not think he could handle, but John only shook his head to clear it. 

 

“You've been a damned fool, I think you were trying to say?” Bobby interjected and John laughed and nodded. “Agreed, you have been. My part, I reckon I can forgive you. I don't speak for the boys, nor do I think my choice should affect theirs.” He looked pointedly at Dean, as if to say he supported whatever he said. Dean smiled at him.

 

“You don't need to apologize to me, Dad,” Sam said. “I'm not the one you hurt. I'm not angry at you for myself. If Dean forgives you, then I do. If he doesn't, then neither do I.” Sam shrugged and Dean smiled at him, too.

 

It was Dean's turn and he pulled no punches. “Here's, uh, here's the thing, Dad. This guy right here? This is Cas. He's my...boyfriend?” He looked to Cas for confirmation. Cas smiled and nodded, dropping a kiss on the hand at his shoulder. “My boyfriend. I'm in love with him. He's saved me more times than I can count and he's like family to me.” All of this he said looking into Cas' eyes, but now he turned to his father again. “So either you are on board with that or you aren't in my life. I get that it might be an adjustment, seeing me with another man, but this is who I am, and this is who I am with.” He pursed his lips, upper dimples sinking in as his lips stuck out. “You think you can deal with that without being a dick?”

 

John looked back and forth between them. “I want to, Dean. I want to deal with it and be okay with it. And I promise I'll do my best to...is that enough? I want you boys back in my life, now that I have my life back. I...know I fucked up, Dean. I'm sorry I hurt you. I should've accepted you the way you are. I always should have. I put too much on you, your whole life, ever since...” He laughed bitterly. “Hell, even before your mom died, let's be honest. I didn't do great by Sam, either, but he had you, at least. You didn't have anybody.”

 

“That's not quite true, Dad. We both had Bobby." If Dean had had any doubts about saying that, they disappeared at the look on Bobby's face. His father looked less pleased, but he didn't look angry and Dean counted that as a good sign.

 

"That's...I'm glad that's the case. Still. Should've been me."

 

Dean nodded. "Yeah. It should've. It wasn't." He shrugged. "Can't change then. All we have is now. So either you accept me and Cas and we move forward or you don't and we don't." He shrugged again. Outwardly, he thought he was achieving an air of "I don't give a fuck either way", but inside his heart was pounding. He pointed his hand sideways at John. "And if we let you back into our lives, none of that making up for lost time crap, okay? You can't go back. I'm a grown man. Baseball games ain't gonna fix it. And no acting like you can order me around, either. I've been hunting without you a long time now, Dad. I know what I'm doing."

 

It was John's turn to nod. "Yeah, okay. Dean, I can do this. I want to...get to know Castiel." He paused. "And you and Sam, I guess, since you're hardly boys anymore. I've missed a lot since I've been dead, I'm sure...and I wasn't exactly caught up when I died."

 

“Okay, then. We'll give it a shot. You can be a part of my life. But know this,” he said, sitting up and facing his father squarely. “If you piss me off...If you hurt Sam, Cas or Bobby...we're done. There won't be a second chance this time, you hear me?” He looked at each person he named in turn and saw looks of pride and love on each of their faces. His father just looked hopeful.

 

“Absolutely, Dean. Thank you.”

 

“Alright. So. You staying for lunch or what?”

 

He did stay. The meal was a little awkward, but it wasn't bad. He had an actual conversation with Cas during dessert, which mostly impressed Dean because Cas hid his distaste for John so very well. Dean was aware of it only because he knew Cas very well and they had had conversations about his dad in the past. Cas had expressed a strong dislike for Dean's father on more than one occasion.

 

That night in their room, Cas confirmed that his feelings had not changed. Dean didn't really blame him for the way he felt, but it didn't make his life any easier.

 

“I still don't like your father, Dean. I'm not saying you shouldn't have let him back into your life,” Cas hastened to add, “I just want you to be aware of it. It isn't that I don't feel like you can trust him – I really don't know if you can or not. On top of all that he's done to you and your brother, I just find him rather arrogant and one dimensional.”

 

“I get it, Cas. I knew you still didn't. You did a great job of hiding it, though.” He was sitting on the bed and he pulled Cas in between his legs. “I don't wanna talk about my dad right now, though.” 

 

He rested his hands on Cas' shoulders and started kneading the muscles below his neck. Cas eyes went wide and he moaned. It was then that Dean realized Cas had never had a good old fashioned back massage before. His next thought was how much fun introducing him to one would be.

 

“C'mere, Cas. Let's get you undressed. I wanna show you something.”

 

So they both got undressed and Dean had Cas lie down on his stomach, with his hands tucked under his cheek. Cas was a little confused, but Dean told him to relax and trust him, so Cas did. Dean found a nice lotion and warmed a small amount between his hands. He knelt on the bed, straddling Cas' hips.

 

He started with Cas' low back, using his thumbs to rub circles in the muscles near his spine. He worked his way up the angel's back, concentrating his attention whenever Cas made a noise of particular enjoyment. He enjoyed the feel of Cas' skin beneath his hands, as well as the pleasure Cas was taking in the experience, but he was not particularly aroused by giving the massage. He was too focused on trying to do a good job and wanting to show Cas something new.

 

He was doing a very thorough job of massaging, and as he continued toward Cas' neck, his arms began to feel a bit tired. He allowed himself to rest on Cas, to take some of the strain off of them. When he did so, he realized that his crotch was perfectly aligned with his boyfriend's ass. His now semi-hard cock slotted perfectly into the indentation where Cas' cheeks met. The gasp from beneath him told him Cas liked the feeling as much as he did.

 

He considered changing gears and making this purely sexual, but he decided he wanted to keep going with the massage. He continued moving up Cas' back, his crotch pressed ever more firmly against Cas' firm round ass. Dean's erection had gone all the way to hard by the time he reached Cas' neck and the head was rubbing against Cas' balls. 

 

He couldn't help himself. His hips started to rock as he kneaded his thumbs into the thick muscles at the base of the angel's neck. Cas' ass felt warm and soft and dry and there was gentle suction created by the movement of all the interlocking parts. He pressed a kiss between his thumbs on the angel's neck. He pressed another behind Cas' ear and a third on his temple.

 

“Dean,” Cas moaned. “Get me ready. Take me...just like this.”

 

Dean got the lube and prepared Cas with one hand while he continued massaging his boyfriend's back with the other. Cas was no longer resting his head on his hands because his hands were clutching at the sheet as Dean's fingers worked inside him. He raised his ass to meet them, which Dean suspected drove Cas' cock into the bed when he came back down. 

 

When Cas was ready, Dean straddled his hips again. Moved by a sudden impulse, though, he slid his legs out straight, capturing Cas' legs on either side and pinning them together. He guided his cock into Cas and then lay down almost flat, sliding his hands over Cas' arms until he locked fingers with him. Aside from his face and neck, there was almost no part of him that was not touching Cas. It was a little more work to thrust from this position, but the sensations it created were totally worth it.

 

Cas could no longer raise his hips, but he didn't need to. Dean's thrusts drove him forward into the mattress enough that Cas was soon panting with mounting ecstasy. Dean dipped his head and nipped as the muscles of Cas' neck. Dean flicked his tongue against the lobe of his ear and then whispered dirty nothings as his hips rocked, until Cas was whimpering. Dean kept up the slow, even pace for a long time, until Cas was begging him to go faster. 

 

Dean lay his cheek against Cas' cheek for 3 more slow thrusts before lifting his head and pulling his cock nearly all the way out. Then he was plunging forward so fast and hard it took Cas' breath. He didn't let Cas catch his breath before he was doing it again, his pace now relentless. He whispered in Cas' ear again, teases and compliments and words of affection. Cas was so out of control he managed to find the strength to buck his hips up, meeting Dean's thrust and sending them both spiraling out of control. In less than a minute, they were each in the throes of an orgasm, calling out to each other as they came.

 

When they'd had a moment to rest, Dean slid off to the side and Cas turned up to face him. Dean pulled him into an awkward hug, kissing his temple. “That was...I don't even have words for what that was. Even for us, that was...wow.”

 

For the first time in far too long, Cas gave him the smile. He didn't realize just how much he had missed it until it was there, shining out at him like a glimpse of Cas' grace. He smiled back so hard his face ached. He was as happy as he could ever remember being in his life. For the first time, he felt like maybe he could have something outside of hunting, outside of Sam, and actually get to keep it.

 

“I love you, Cas,” he said softly, brushing the hair back from the angel's temple. 

 

“I love you, too, Dean.”

 

“So what do you think the chances are that we actually get to stay together and see where this goes? You know, that whole 'happily ever after' thing? Think we have a shot?”

 

“I can't see the future, Dean. But you should know that I won't give you up again without a fight.”

 

**Unanswered Prayers**

 

They stayed at Bobby's another couple of weeks before the next big case made them hit the road. Things between the boys and their dad improved daily. Cas didn't stop disliking him entirely, but he did warm up to him a lot more, once he saw that John's efforts were sincere. Cas continued to learn Bobby's recipes and Dean and Sam continued to bone up on lore and mythology and anything else Bobby, and occasionally John, saw fit to teach them. Dean also taught Cas to drive the Impala, which made Sam's and Bobby's jaws drop.

 

“Hell, it really _is_ love,” was Bobby's response.

 

“Shut up,” was Dean's.

 

When they finally left, John stayed behind. He and Bobby had stated their intentions to hunt together, at least some of the time. Everyone hugged and Bobby even ponied up a gruff “I love you idjits” as they were driving away. If Sam was uncomfortable starting out the trip in the backseat, he made no mention of it. Since Cas could drive now, it made things a lot easier. Along the way, they worked out a driving rotation which was literally that. Every few hours, the driver would move to the back, the front seat passenger would become the driver and the backseat rider would become the front seat passenger. That way, no one got stuck in the backseat for too long and no one felt like a third wheel. They'd been back on the road, hunting a variety of the usual monsters, for about 3 weeks when they got a visitor. 

 

They were all in Sam's room watching a movie together and sharing a beer. Sam and Dean both had their backs against the headboard, while Cas rested in between Dean's legs, his head lying on Dean's chest. Dean was still sometimes amazed at how comfortable he and Sam had both gotten with PDA's between him and Cas, but most of the time it was just a natural thing he didn't even think about.

 

In the middle of a big fight scene, Dean suddenly heard wing flutter and turned to see Gabriel standing there. He muted the tv and Cas sat up a little too quickly for his liking. He knew he had been uncomfortable in front of Sam at first, but he couldn't help feeling gun shy about Cas feeling ashamed again. As if sensing his distress, though, Cas reached down and took his hand.

 

“Sorry to interrupt movie night, but I have news I think you're gonna want to hear.”

 

His face was hard to gauge because he was Gabriel and even when he was serious, Dean thought he still looked like he was laughing on the inside. Sam got up and grabbed a water from the fridge, but otherwise no one else moved, waiting for the angel to go on. When Sam sat back down, Gabe looked from one to the other, as if making sure he had their full attention. Then he waggled his eyebrows at them and Dean assumed the news was good, but that gave him even less idea of what it might be.

 

“Enough with the suspense, Gabby, what is it?” Cas said a little testily.

 

“Fiiiiine!” Gabriel replied petulantly. “You have no sense of drama.” He still drew it out further by perching on the edge of the couch before going on. “I was hanging out upstairs today when I got a little ping from Joshua.” He waggled his eye brows again. More to annoy his brother than for any dramatic effect, Dean suspected.

 

“ _Gaaabe_ ,” Cas said impatiently. This earned such a big smile from Gabriel that Dean felt it confirmed his suspicions.

 

“Alright, alright. Well, it seems that Dad got back in town this morning. Back to his big corner office up top. And,” Gabriel leaned forward and then whispered, “It seems he was none too pleased with a certain angel band and their little kidnapping and brainwashing scheme.”

 

“What do you mean?” Cas asked, eyes wide, his annoyance entirely forgotten.

 

“I mean, Joshua said once he got word of what had happened while he was away, he was _furious_ with those assholes for what they did to you. And, as of sometime this afternoon, every angel involved in your capture and attempted shaming was dumped right out of heaven.”

 

“You're saying they've all _fallen_?” 

 

“I'm saying they were all _dropped_ , sans grace, out in the middle of a selection of third world countries. 'Vengeance is mine' sayeth Daddy.”

 

Many emotions flitted across Cas face, but Dean thought he could tell what most of them were. Though Cas was pleased and awed that what had happened to him was of such importance to his father, he also felt irrational guilt as though he was to blame for their fate. Then of course, Dean though, there was the fact that Cas, at least on the surface, appeared to have his father's blessing for being with Dean. 

 

Cas half-smiled, distractedly. “I can't believe he...defended me...”

 

“Cassie, dude, lighten up. This is _good_ news for a change, okay? Daddy likes you, little brother. And why not? You're not half bad. Not a dick like most of us, am I right, Sam?”

 

Dean put his arm around Cas and squeezed. “I guess this means your dad is cool with us, huh?” he asked, smiling.

 

Cas smiled brightly at that, as if he hadn't realized that yet. “I guess it does.”

 

“Alright you crazy kids, I'm out of here. If you need me, just give a shout, okay?”

 

“Wait!” Cas yelled, rising from the bed. To everyone's surprise, he threw his arms around Gabriel and hugged him. “I love you, brother,” he whispered into his neck.

 

“Whoa, hey, there, calm yourself!” Gabe protested, but he hugged back. After a moment, he grudgingly said, “You, too, bro.”

 

Then Gabe was gone and no one remembered about the movie. Sam congratulated Dean and Cas on having heaven's blessing and then suggested they get the hell out so he could sleep. Cas gave him the same treatment he'd given Gabriel, but Sam surprised him by not hesitating at all to hug and say “I love you” back. Dean felt tears burn his eyes, so he told them to get a room. They leaned back and looked at each other for a second before pulling him into the hug with them.

 

*****

 

“Your hair's getting long,” Cas said, running his fingers through the strands above Dean's ear. “I like it. More fun to run my fingers through,” he teased, smiling. “But it really suits you now. I don't know if it would have before.” 

 

“Before you?” Dean asked with a smirk.

 

“Perhaps. Before you...” He shook his head, unable to find the words. “The way you were before...you were like...” He frowned for a long moment, brain working. “Unopened champagne,” he finally said, eyes widening and lips curving up as the metaphor clicked for him. He waved an impatient hand at Dean when he tried to interrupt with a smart ass comment. “All your goodness in a hard shell, with a cork shoved in there to lock it away, creating this tremendous pressure.”

 

Dean's eyes were bright when he asked, “And what am I now, Cas?”

 

“You're still champagne,” he said, blue eyes softening as he stared into shining green ones. “But now the bottle's been opened. The cork has been replaced, but it slips out easily now and lets beautiful things come pouring out. The pressure is mostly gone.”

 

“Thanks to you,” Dean said, planting a kiss on the end of Cas' nose.

 

“I'd like to think I am at least partially responsible, but you did most of it yourself. You popped the cork, all I did was stand here waiting to drink you in.”

 

Dean kissed Cas deeply at that, both drinking and being drunk in. A year and a half now of being together nearly every day, in close proximity, fighting mortal danger and horrific monsters, but the effect Cas' kiss had on Dean was still the same. The desperate edge was gone, but their passion had not cooled. A single kiss could still drive him to the edge of control.

 

“Love you,” he whispered, turning the kiss into a tight embrace.

 

“Love you more,” was Cas' reply.

 

“Not possible,” he answered, feeling Cas' grin against his neck. It was their familiar ritual now, though they took turns being the one to start and finish it. It was one of those little things that was just theirs and no one else's. Things weren't always smooth between them, like when Cas felt the need to check in with heaven sometimes, but this was a thing they always had. Sometimes they even used it to calm arguments that threatened to spiral out of control.

 

“We need to start for Bobby's soon,” Cas reminded him, pulling out of the hug enough to look in Dean's eyes again.

 

“Yeah, I know. Did you pack the presents?”

 

“Of course, Dean.” Cas chuckled wryly. “It's just a family Christmas, not a run through Purgatory.”

 

Dean nodded, still nervous, but less so when Cas massaged his shoulders. He had come out to his father that day on the couch, but it had been a long time before he was comfortable with being affectionate with Cas in front of him. It still made his stomach churn with worry every time they were scheduled to visit, even though he knew it was actually fine. It was one of the few hold-overs from his “corked” days, he supposed. This would be their first family Christmas in years and the first ever with Bobby and Cas and Sam's girlfriend Sarah. 

 

He was really looking forward to seeing Sammy, too, and that calmed him even further. It had been nearly a year since they stopped hunting together. They saw each other at least once or twice a month, but it was still hard not seeing his brother every day. Not that Dean regretted that they were hunting separately now. It meant he and Sammy both had something good, both had someone else to lean on besides each other. It wa smore than he'd ever hoped for.

 

He couldn't remember how long he and Cas had been together when Sam got the call from Sarah from the auction house. As far as he knew, Sam hadn't heard from her since they worked that case, but Dean remembered that they'd had a thing for each other. Apparently some hinky shit was going down and she needed their help again. When the case was over, she said she was tired of the auction life. She knew there were monsters and she wanted to fight them.

 

So their trio had become a quartet for a few months. Then it had just naturally become two pairs. Dean smiled as he finished loading the Impala. Sarah Blake made a hell of a hunter, and she didn't cut Sammy any slack at all. He genuinely liked her and he looked forward to seeing her, too. He slid into the passenger seat next to Cas and took the outstretched hand in his own.

 

“Feeling better?”

 

Dean gave Cas a firm, loud kiss on the mouth. “I am now,” he answered with a radiant smile.

 

A few hours later, Bobby's eyebrows were practically in his receding hairline when he saw Cas get out of the driver's seat. Dean laughed and rolled his eyes. Bobby had teased him when he was teaching him, so Dean supposed he wouldn't be Bobby if he didn't keep on teasing him.

 

“I knew you taught him to drive, but I never, you know, thought you'd actually _let_ him.”

 

“Shut up and hug me, old man.” Bobby did, a great big bear hug that caught Dean's breath.

 

“It's good to see you, boy.” He let go and turned to the angel. “Come here, Cas, it's your turn.” He folded Cas into his arms just as easily as he had Dean and Cas responded just as warmly. Dean thought he looked younger somehow when Bobby was hugging him, almost child like.

 

“Sammy here yet?”

 

“Nah, they're about 20 minutes out, yet. You boys hungry?”

 

“Have you ever known Dean not to be hungry?” Cas asked playfully, with his familiar head tilt. 

 

Bobby laughed out loud. “Never,” he replied, still chuckling. 

 

Dean was shocked at how much trouble Bobby had gone to. There were Christmas decorations everywhere, including a huge tree with all the trimmings. On the kitchen table, Dean saw plates of cookies, a huge bowl of undoubtedly spiked eggnog, and an assortment of appetizers.

 

“Damn, Bobby, you really went all out! This is awesome!”

 

“Yeah, well, your dad helped. Anyway, this Christmas is a big deal. You boys both have someone special and...” He cleared his throat, busying himself with getting plates and silverware for Dean and Cas. “You two want eggnog? It's got a little punch, I should warn you.”

 

“'And'? What's the 'and', Robert? And hell yes I want eggnog.” He turned to the angel. “Cas, you're drinking some, too. Spill it, Bobby,” he ordered, grabbing a bite of cheese and popping it into his mouth.

 

Bobby's hands stilled for a moment before they passed the dishes to Dean. Then he put them to work pouring eggnog into cups. “Well, it just so happens that I have someone, too.” He ignored the eyebrow raise and widened eyes of his eldest adopted son. “She won't be here tonight, but she's coming over tomorrow.” He stopped moving and forced himself to make eye contact. “You know her, actually. Remember Sheriff Mills?”

 

Dean whistled. “Damn, Bobby. She's way out of your league. Nice,” he said with a wink.

 

“Don't be a jackass. Grab a plate. It'll still be a couple hours till dinner.”

 

“So where's Dad, anyway?”

 

“He's upstairs wrapping gifts. He'll be down in a minute.”

 

“Shit, we should get ours out of the-” 

 

Cas disappeared and returned just a few seconds later. “It's done,” he informed them, adding things to the plate he'd left on the table. “This all looks delicious, Bobby. Oh!” He was gone again, this time returning with round foil-covered dish in each hand. “I made some pies.” He caught Dean's fond look and gave him lopsided smile and kiss on the cheek.

 

Bobby scoffed at Dean. “And you think Jody's out of _my_ league? Damn, son, you are one seriously lucky bastard.”

 

“Yeah,” Dean agreed, eyes shining as he watched Cas load his plate. “I sure as hell am.”

 

The moment was interrupted by John coming downstairs and into the kitchen. Things weren't awkward between them anymore, for all that Dean worried. John hugged both his son and the angel without a moment's hesitation.

 

“Good to see you, Cas. How've you been?” He looked and sounded to Dean like he meant it. He knew Cas had finally grown to feel fond of John, despite their rocky start. He didn't know why he always got so nervous. Then Cas brushed past him, one hand squeezing his hip, and pressed a kiss on his head. He remembered why he worried - and had to will himself not to freeze on the spot.

 

“Hey, no getting handsy at the dinner table,” John teased. “Save that for after the eggnog.” 

 

Sensing Dean's fear and subsequent relief, Cas squeezed his hand before placing Dean's cup of eggnog in it. Dean took a long swallow, just before he saw sunlight splash across the wall signaling a car's arrival. He rushed outside to greet his brother, Bobby, Cas and John trailing behind him. He didn't even let Sam get his door closed before he had him in a bear hug, patting his back so hard Sam suggested he was leaving bruises.

 

Dean smiled as he pulled away, telling his brother, “Don't be a bitch.”

 

“Shut up, jerk,” Sam said with a grin.

 

“Come here, Sarah!” He hugged her much more gently. Then everyone else was hugging and they were heading back inside.

 

After everyone had some snacks and eggnog, the brothers turned into children, whining about opening presents. Everyone was excited, so it didn't take a lot to convince anyone else that it was gift time. Bobby was voted Santa because he had a beard, “And coz you're so damned jolly,” Dean told him with a smirk. 

 

“Shuddup, idjit. You want your presents or not?” Dean held up his hands in surrender and attempted Sam's puppy dog face, but Bobby just rolled his eyes.

 

Everyone found a place in Bobby's living room. John sat in one big arm chair across from the window, while Sam sat the another, with Sarah draped across his lap. Dean and Bobby sat on the couch, with Cas choosing a spot on the floor between Dean's feet. Dean couldn't keep himself from ruffling the angel's hair occasionally as the night wore on. His hand froze when caught John watching him, but John just smiled and looked away.

 

Everyone got at least one thing for everyone else. Dean and Cas would be opening more personal presents in private later, but they got each other a small token to open in front of everyone, too. Cas got Dean a pocket knife with elephants engraved on it and Dean handed Cas a key-chain in the shape of angel wings with a key to the Impala on it. Cas' wide-eyed smile said he knew how significant a gift it was.

 

“Hey, I never got my own key!” Sam said mock-indignantly.

 

“What can I say? He kisses better than you.” Everyone laughed so easily Dean didn't even remember to be embarrassed.

 

Dean was surprised and touched by his Dad's gift. John got him a car stereo with a CD player and several CD's of bands he loved. He raised his eyes to John with speaking and his father hurriedly justified the gift, thinking Dean didn't like it.

 

“I know, you're old school and don't wanna mess with Baby too much, but Cas told me a few of your tapes have broken and...I thought I could put it in for you, if you want. I know you know how-” He was talking in a rush, but Dean interrupted.

 

“It's awesome, Dad. I love it. Thank you.” His smile was completely easy and genuine. When John's return smile was the same, Dean though he felt something that had been tight inside him loosen and release. “Let's put it in together tomorrow.”

 

Dean was biased, but he felt like his gifts to people were clear winners. He got Sam and Sarah matching pistols and gave his Dad and Sam each a homemade emf detector much like his own. He also gave his dad a double flask holder made of leather. One side had the word whiskey tooled on it and the other side said holy water. Bobby got a couple of very old books, one of which was in Japanese, as well as a new flask.

 

Dean thought he was winning, until he opened one of his gifts from Sam. Inside the small box, lying on a bed of cotton, was the amulet necklace Sam had given him when they were kids. In an fit of anger, Dean had thrown it away – an action he had regretted ever since.

 

Tears shone bright in his eyes when he lifted them to Sammy's. “You picked it up and kept it? Aw, man, that is...” He looked back and forth between his brother and the necklace. “I was so mad at myself afterward. I have missed this thing so much, man. That is awesome. Thank you.” He gave his brother a long hug, tears streaming down his face. “I love you, man.”

 

“Love you, too, Dean,” Sam said sincerely. “Now can you let me go? I'd like to breathe again before I pass out,” he joked.

 

“Bitch.”

 

“Jerk.”

 

Sam's gift from Cas was a book of Tibetan spells, while Sam had had his likeness turned into a bobble-head that he suggested Cas stick to the dash of the Impala. Dean suggested a darker, more enclosed location, out of sight of the sun.

 

The last gift was from Bobby to Cas and Dean had to admit, it was a pretty good one, too. Cas looked bemused and then touched when he pulled the old books from the box in front of him. They were cookbooks and Cas ran his fingers reverently over the inscriptions in the front of the pages.

 

“These were your wife's.” It wasn't a question. “Thank you, Bobby. This is wonderful.”

 

As if not wanting to get too sentimental, Bobby told him, “Now you've just gotta convince assbutt over there to start renting rooms with kitchenettes.”

 

Cas, unwilling to let such a gift be joked away, countered with, “Or maybe we should just come visit here more often. I can learn your favorite recipes of hers.” Dean would have sworn there were tears in Bobby's eyes when he gruffly excused himself to get more eggnog.

 

Dinner was a fun, noisy affair. Bobby had gone a little holiday crazy with the food, but no one seemed to mind. As usual at these kind of things, everyone over indulged in the food and drink, but everyone got silly and sweet instead of stupid and angry, so no one really cared. Dean was so happy, it was a physical feeling. He thought his chest might explode from joy. He was no longer scared of what might happen tomorrow. He still had no idea, but he just sucked every drop of joy out of every today he was given.

 

Later that night, as he lay against Cas' chest, wrapped up in the angel's arms, he was more nervous than he'd been about this trip. This was a much bigger nervousness, once born of his fear of intimacy, which he still struggled with sometimes. His heart pounding, he pulled away slightly and reached into the bedside table where he had hidden his last present to Cas. He pulled the small wooden box out of the drawer and leaned back, clutching it to his chest.

 

“Cas, I, uh, have another little present for you.” It was small in size, but not significance and Dean's hands shook as he held it out, waiting for Cas to take it from him. 

 

“I have one for you, too, Dean,” the angel said, moving behind Dean briefly. “I didn't think of the table, so I hid it under the pillow. I still have much to learn, don't I?” Dean tilted his head back to look up into the angel's eyes. They were squinted now with his rueful smile. 

 

Dean smiled back. “You're doing just fine, Cas. Just fine.” Since Cas still had not taken it, Dean held out the box once more. This time, the angel took it and swapped it for the larger box in his own hand.

 

“I wanna go first,” Cas said, obviously excited. Dean laughed and had no objections, though his pulse raced.

 

Cas removed the lid of the box and pulled the large silver ring from the nest of padding. He examined it closely, gasping when he saw the inscription on the inside. “ _To Cas_ ,” it read. “ _My angel, I'm yours. Be mine? Love, Dean_.” 

 

Dean had trouble breathing as he waited for a reaction. The inscription was cheesy, yeah, and they didn't really need something like a ring...except Dean found he did. He needed Cas to wear a thing that told the world where his heart belonged. Where Cas belonged. It was stupid and ridiculous and definitely something from a chick flick movie...but he needed something to hold him steady those times when Cas wasn't around. Knowing Cas wore his ring would be a tether. 

 

“Dean, I love it. Put it on me?” Dean complied, hands still shaking, though the pounding of his heart was subsiding. “And I am already yours. I have been since before we even made it out of hell together. Did you really need to ask?” Dean nodded and the look Cas gave him was impossibly soft around the edges. Cas kissed him. “I'm yours,” he assured him. “Now open my gift.”

 

Inside the box Dean held, he found a silver bracelet about half an inch wide. He held it up and inspected it, unable to make out any of the symbols etched in it, including those few engraved on the inside. He looked at Cas questioningly, as he held his arm up to have the angel put it on him.

 

“It's Enochian. Protection sigils. While it doesn't make you invincible, it does afford you some measure of extra protection. The...” He faltered then, until Dean gave his leg a reassuring squeeze. “The inside says ' _The righteous man holds my grace and controls my heart_.'” He finished fastening it to the hunter with meeting his eyes. “Love you,” he said.

 

“Love you more,” came Dean's reply.

 

“Not. Possible.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
